Mailbox: Spurs described as ‘bunch of useless sh*ts’

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Oh Tottenham…
Thought I’d tune into a good old game of Premier League footy only to find Brighton messing around with a football and then another group of individuals (clearly not some sort of ‘team’) with the sole objective of playing musical f*cking statues.

Honestly, I don’t mind losing. Even to Brighton. But at least move about a bit, you bunch of useless shits. Yes, Mourinho sucks the confidence out of you, picks the wrong players and formations and doesn’t do you any favours – you can still f*cking run about though.
Glen – not even ‘Stratford Spur’ anymore. Just very very angry Spur

About that
Remember when Pep referred to us as ‘the Harry Kane team?”

Yep.
Jon (not Spursy, just shit), Lincoln

Tottenham: An Advert
Low on confidence?

People questioning your credentials?

Playing well but are not able to convert it into victories?

Register for a game against Spurs and reinvigorate yourself.

Don’t believe us, just ask our recent customers, Brighton and Liverpool.

Book a game today and play yourself in form! Bambi killers already registered, why should you keep waiting?
The Vocal Minority (Respect, respect, respect man)

How good are Liverpool again?
Well, Liverpool made that look easy in the end. We tend to think of them as the poster child for a team being greater than the sum of its parts. That individual brilliance takes a back seat to the team dynamics – especially when it comes to scoring goals.

But watching all three goals against West Ham, it surely is a combination of the two. No?

Liverpool have scored or come close to scoring so many times when defending a corner. Clearly something they practice and think about in training. Yet the execution was brilliant.

On Salah. I’m sure there were thousands of West Ham fans screaming at their defence “don’t let Salah get on to his left foot..” oh.

There is something about looking at Moyes. He does the best stoic but pained look. He looks like he is in his sixties – as does Tim Sherwood in the game analysis – and then you realize they are in their fifties. Clearly the game takes it out of you.

The Spurs game has just started and just saw Bale doing something I hate from players. It’s that pretend I am doing something- takes the ball, runs aimlessly with it far too long so Brighton have time to cover all the Spurs attackers. Then sideways passes it to another player while waving his arms aggressively telling him to move the ball forward. It’s the “look at me doing something” when I am in fact doing f*ck all. He has become a character of a once great player. No wonder Real want rid.
Paul McDevitt

…Genuinely too afraid to wonder if Liverpool are back (again)…thought we were excellent today in the second half. The major difference seemed to be that Thiago moved about ten yards further forward and that meant he made risky passes that caused a lot more trouble when they work. His dirty work is also exceptional; I must admit I hadn’t seen a lot of him before he joined Liverpool but I can’t understand why anyone would think he doesn’t fit our system. He’s aggressive on and off the ball – what more could you want from a central midfielder?

I appreciate Salah is the top scorer in the league so it’s a bit silly to describe him as having looked a bit average for a while but he’s definitely starting to find his form again. I can’t remember the last time he cut in and just sunk one in the far corner but it was bloody glorious.

More remarkable still was that AOC came on and had a decent cameo. People forget that the season he joined he was a massive influence and played a lot of games. Injuries have turned him into a bit-part player but if he can keep improving and stay fit until the end of the season he will have a huge part to play.

Brighton is a massive game for so many reasons on Wednesday. Firstly we have been awful this season against all the relegation-threatened teams. I think against the current bottom six we have failed to beat everyone except for Sheffield United. Winning would give the team a huge confidence boost ahead of Man City next weekend.

Finally – we have signed a defender! All hail mighty Thor! I doubt he will play a lot in the next few weeks but at least it gives us an extra option. If that eventually pushes one of Henderson or Fabinho further forward then it will only benefit the team.
Minty, LFC

Zaki must be new here
I’m extremely jealous of Zaki from yesterday’s mailbox. He must be a prince from a fictional kingdom, to even suggest throwing £30-40 million(!) around as if it’s chump change literally turned me green with envy.

I mean, Jesus, man. What is YOUR life like?

How many scantily-clad hand maidens are currently fanning Zaki with a large fern, while his favorite feeds him grapes one-by-one? Does Zaki get bathed like Eddie Murphy in “Coming to America” ? (Google it if you don’t…). When Zaki’s Ferrari, made out of gold, breaks down, does he insist that the only tools which can repair it be made from platinum, diamond and silver? The Buddha was born a prince who, after seeing suffering and illness for the first time, subsequently chained himself to a tree for six years and survived on one single grain of rice, will Zaki someday found a religion whose founding myth will tell believers that he chained himself to a bigger tree and survived on half a grain of rice for 12 years? Does Zaki’s mansion have another mansion as a pool house? Does Zaki only eat dinosaur egg omelettes?

I need to know….

Look, we all know that the Pound Sterling has had it’s recent challenges, but the Venezuelan Bolivar it is not (just yet). Liverpool’s overall revenue was £533 million last year (per internet). A £35 million outlay would represent 6.5% of the club’s *gross revenue* for a player who would represent 9% of their starting XI.

We then “only” need assume the difference he makes wins the club the league for the transaction to work out……

Defense hasn’t really been the problem, we are just running out of bodies, Ben Davies for £3 million is absolutely the perfect deal. My only complaint would be that it should have happened earlier. Fabinho and Jordan Henderson both have lengthy injury records and we should have brought Davies (or whoever) early in the window to maximize the number of hugs he could have gotten from our Jürgen.

It’s a pandemic, man….
Ian, LFC Harford, CT USA

Chelsea: Much improved
I was looking forward to this weekend’s Chelsea game, not sure if anyone has ever said that about a match involving Burnley before but happy to be the first.

Well 90 minutes later I was certainly not left disappointed with what I saw, those training sessions since the match against Wolves certainly showed in the tempo of Chelsea’s play, better pressing, more intensity and just more passion from the side.

Callum Hudson-Odoi was a true phenomenon and we may have just found our successor to Victor Moses in that Right Wing Back role, if you want to know how good he was during the game just ask Robbie Brady, his exchange with Sean Dyche was classic.

Next up is Jose Mourinho’s Spurs and I yet again cannot wait, it’s a good feeling after the recent months we have endured.
Mikey, CFC

What next for Lampard?
The year is 2021, the month, October. The western world has come out of lockdown, and then gone back into lockdown, for what experts are calling the 4th wave. The world has stopped still once more; but football continues.

Frank Lampard is still looking for a job having been sacked by Chelsea in January of the same year. Covid 19 restrictions mean that Zoom is the preferred method of communication and Lampard is talking to a group in control of a middling Premier league team. They go through the usual pleasantries and then get down to business. Lampard is peppered with the usual opening questions about his style of play, how he expects the current squad will respond to his methods and what his expectations from his bosses are etc. Then he’s asked what he sees as his achievements from his time at Stamford Bridge.

Lampard sets out his achievements but is met with still faces. His internet has dropped and he’s now staring at a blank screen. The video comes back but now the audio is sketchy. Lampard, thinking on his feet, quickly scribbles onto a piece of paper in front of him and holds it to the camera for his interviewers. It reads:

James, Mount, Timori, Abraham etc.

And that’s it, right? He left Chelsea (and Derby) trophyless so his achievements amount to giving young players a debut, more importantly, young English players. What else can Lampard say and more importantly, what type of teams will hire him based on his answer?

If his playing career is anything to go by he’ll work harder than his peers, come through the adversity and turn out to be one of the best English coaches of recent times. He has his best years ahead of him as a coach, and just like Southgate, who had his own troubles at that start of his coaching career, he’ll manage England someday. But before that, where does he start?

Celtic will be looking for a manager soon, and seeing how Gerrard has turned Rangers into runaway leaders would surely make it an attractive partnership for both.

The Championship is another. He knows how to build a team to challenge for the play-offs and can call on contacts to bring in some talented young players on loan. Let’s not forget he beat Bielsa too! Maybe that can be added to his achievements. Whether he thinks he’s too good for that level is another question.

Going abroad doesn’t seem like an attractive option. The goodwill he has built up in England with the media won’t be found abroad and a run of awkward results could quickly leave him in trouble with many fans of the larger clubs in mainland Europe.

What is almost certain is he’ll soon be on our screens sitting comfortably in a well fitted suit on BT or MNF. Extolling his own virtues and using the platform as a quasi-interview, his pals will be there agreeing with him. Eventually, he will get another job, there is no doubt about that. Whether he deserves it on merit is doubtful.

Cheers,
Paul, UCD AFC

Lefties
Leeds Utd started their fixture against Leicester City with 8 (eight) EIGHT left footed players in the starting line up. Firstly, that’s a bit mental, and secondly, surely that’s a PL record?
Naz, Gooner

Racism thoughts and Man United tactics talk
In response to Ben, racism isn’t single-dimensional. It’s a thought process of an individual derived out of a feeling based on ones background, experiences and behavioural pattern and a comparison on the basis of it with another. We humans tend to compare ourselves situationally as that is what keeps us motivated, which is a good thing really. Problem is when we mix up the situation with people instead. The biggest learning in life is knowing that every single individual is built differently and lives their life differently, hence comparisons and a superiority complex building out of it, is both meaningless and pointless.

What Rashford is trying to achieve with his life is something that only he himself is answerable for. We, as fans, can and should only worry about how and why he isn’t able to take it to the next level in terms of performance and results. The real issue to me is the constant changing of his position on the pitch. Some players adapt seamlessly, some don’t. Ole needs to know which bracket he falls under. Of the players struggling at the moment, it seems to me that Fernandez, Pogba, Martial and Rashford don’t like switching positions frequently. It changes one’s ability to plan in the head as well as improve.

The other serious issue is not playing a fit Bailly. An infinitely superior defender to Lindelof, who has an aggressive, attack minded presence which works much better for the team in terms of pushing out from the back. It’s insanely easy to see, something which is somehow lost on Ole. I’ll bet that the next game Bailly plays, United wins.

To conclude, it’s pretty clear that with matches coming in thick and fast, Ole is probably trying his best to shuffle his players to keep them fit and go through matches by winning more often than not. I personally believe that he needs to stop doing this for the crucial positions. The less he tinkers, the more the cohesion and more the improvement in individual performances as well. No point saying all our players are fit at the end of the season with us winning nothing.
Saby MUFC

Trying to explain racism
Ben (One love. F*ck racism, f*ck hate crimes, f*ck these cowardly armchair bullies), asked for opinions on where this hatred came from.

For quite a long time now, it’s too easy to blame social media, but it has certainly poured fuel on the fire, society has become polarised in the extreme. Everything is either good or bad, there is no middle ground.

The early days of this were spotted, capitalised upon and exploited, by power hungry people. Think Cambridge Analytica, Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump. They have utilised this polarisation, fueling it, to rev society to bend to their will. Think Brexit/take back control, Trump/build the wall.

The issue is the affects of this do not stop after an election or referendum. Look at the storming of Capitol Hill. These are people who whether right or wrong (wrong), believe they have been marginalised (they haven’t), left behind by a changing society (if they have, they should look closer to home for the reason). Suddenly, someone in power gives them an outlet, credence, a cause to believe in and get behind.

Rile up society that immigration is what broke our NHS, and that immigrants are why there are hungry kids in the UK, you cannot switch that off after they’ve put an X beside leave the EU. They have been legitimised, and now they see a young black man in the media taking on the politicians, to feed the poor. Or a young black poet laureate, delivering a progressive poem about sharing the world at the inauguration of the most powerful office in the world. And you must remember, in these people’s heads, a black person is an immigrant. Regardless of how many generations have been native UK citizens, think Windrush for legitimising this view.
They can’t handle that. Where is their voice? Where is their Brexit? And how f*ucking dare he miss a half chance from 20 yards?!

Football can’t change this, social media can’t change it. And the sad reality is that if fans were in the stadiums, this would be happening every bit as routinely in the flesh.

We can’t re-educate that 49 year old. And the really sad thing is that he may have children who he has already brought to his way of thinking. The same goes for potentially thousands of others. Like those who protested against the black lives matter movement.

Any way, sorry. This is a football forum isn’t it?
FS FSG, sign a CB.
Adam. LFC, Belfast

VAR and offside – a perfect application of imperfect inputs
Firstly, anything that removes subjective error from an objective decision is a good thing in my book. I am from the camp that supports VAR, because the pain of losing out to a total howler has largely been removed.

However, I have to take issue with one part of the process. No. It’s not whether someone’s toenail or shirtsleeve was ahead, it’s the picture frame they choose to use – and the impact this has on the rest of the process

In every instance, the ball is a blur. To what extent are we certain that this is the point at which the ball left the foot of the player making the pass. It could be a split second before or after this frame, but this is ignored as everyone concentrates on the accuracy of the “lines”.

Compare this subjectivity with the objectivity of the lines and triangulation of the attacker and the last man, calculated to minute millimetre detail. And all of it built on the premise that THIS is the moment the ball was played. It’s a house of cards.

There are other sports where this level of subjectivity is handled better. In rugby, refs will typically ask “is there any reason I cannot award XXX”. In cricket, there is typically a soft signal from the umpire for questionable catches, and “umpire’s call” for lbw decisions. This recognises there will always be a margin for error in a decision where the choice is related directly to one event (would the ball hit the stumps or not). This margin for error is increased for offside decisions in football (when was the ball played? Was any ball playing part of the attacker ahead of the defender?), but this is not acknowledged in football’s decision making.

I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe they need to include super slo-mo cameras, the kinds they used for motor sport to see how well the front end suspension of GP bikes deal with bumps in the track, to better capture the moment at which the ball was played; but until this margin for error is accepted and accounted for within the decision making, then fans will continue to feel hard done by.

However, the logical consequences of removing the margin for human error would probably result in reducing / remove the human element of the decision making… machine learning generated probabilities based on input from multiple camera angles simultaneously.

Furthermore, to account for the imperfections in the technology, the output would need to be probabilistic… and that’s hard enough to swallow, even people who recognise how human irrationality affects our decision making, let alone the PFM “not for me” brigade. Can you imagine some of the pundit universe dealing with confidence levels and margins, “It means that there’s a chance it wasn’t a goal, Jeff; for me that means we should throw it all in the bin. The magic’s gone”. Monday mornings on Talksport would be more predictable than Salah cutting inside onto his left foot.
Gareth (LFC – I’m writing this before the West Ham game, and reserve the right to be totally hypocritical and one eyed in the immediate aftermath of any of the above going for/against [delete as appropriate] Liverpool this afternoon)

Let’s get ready to rumble
The 2021 Royal Rumble of Premier League Managers article is officially my favourite piece of journalism ever.

I trust you recognise the magnitude of this statement.
Jon (Daniel Bryan better win), Lincoln