Mails: Is Kane the biggest fraud of all?

Date published: Thursday 28th July 2016 2:32

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Enjoying the Liverpool clear-out
I am a changed man. At last a transfer window that has me excited. Not because I anticipate a huge statement of a signing. No £100m Pogba for me. No siree. I wake up wanting to know who we have sold. The pleasure at making £13m from Allen. I liked him, especially at the Euros. But £13m is good business. £21m for Ibe and Smith combined. Well thank you very much. £5m and £4m for Skrtl and Sinclair. Long may it continue.

Still hoping to have a bumper summer with the removal of Benteke, Llori, Wisdom, Alberto, Markovic (not really had a chance) and Balotelli (will take 50p for him). Hopefully they don’t go on a loan – it always seems such a disappointment. Hell, I would be quite happy to see the back of Sturridge were we to receive £40m plus. Or even Coutinho (lovely player he is but does seem to go missing when it counts and we have several others).

Don’t get me wrong. I want success as much as the next guy. I’m just glad we seem to have owners who are running a club sensibly and a manager who doesn’t just want all the toys in the shop. That way we may eventually be able to afford the Pogbas. At the moment we have around 35 players who have played for the first team and that’s just too many.
Garth Litmus (could do with a couple of full-backs though)


We need an Arsenal clear-out
“We don’t have the financial resources of some of the other clubs” – Ivan Gazidis.

Well sell Wilshere and Walcott then – they contribute NOTHING to the team – one’s always injured and the other’s plain crap.

Surely someone is stupid enough to sign these two, which would hopefully bring in enough money to sign Lacazette. Job done.

Maybe I’m being paranoid but this lack of financial resources smacks of Gooners, who are sick and tired of the way the club operates, not renewing season tickets and memberships.

You’re not going to woo fans by simply not spending, Gazidis – people are not renewing until the club matches their ambitions and that problem will get even worse next season with more tourist fans opting for the Olympic stadium over the Emirates.

It isn’t angry fans you should be afraid of Gazidis – it’s the ones who have moved from anger to indifference. Indifferent fans don’t spend money on anything.
Graham Simons, Gooner, Norf London


Written in Arsenal’s stars
After Ivan Gazidis’ latest rallying cry toward profit maximisation, I think it’s easy to see what comes next.

1. Fan outrage escalates to the point that the club fears people just tuning out.

2. Club decides it has to buy a ‘name’ to turn the narrative.

3. Club spends next four weeks trying to sign Riyad Mahrez.

4. Coquelin starts at CB and Walcott/Akpom starts up front against Liverpool. Predictable loss.

4. Club signs just Mahrez on deadline day, resolves to rush Koscielny, Giroud and Sanchez back as soon as possible.

5. Initial results continue to be terrible, September is salvaged somewhat by return of aforementioned three.

6. One, if not more, of them gets injured again, and the gap to the top is in double digits by November.

7. Fourth place battle.

Rinse and repeat.
TG (Arsenal)


The true ‘Overrated 11’
. Cech – Alright most of the time but lets in way too many mid-range shots he should be able to save.

. David Alaba – Has talent but also hasn’t shown it for quite some time know. Wants to be a midfielder but doesn’t have the attributes.

. Kompany – Even when he’s fit, really not that great, slow, average build-up play. Dreams of being the player Boateng has become.

. Bonucci – Great in that Juventus defense who have dominated an average Serie A for some years now, would be horribly exposed for his weaknesses in the Premier League. Will stay at Juve, he knows why.

. Dani Alves – Not a defender.

. Xabi Alonso – Great passes but drops too deep and can be pressed too easily. Slower than slow.

. Pogba – Great physique but no understanding of the game, is everywhere and nowhere on the pitch. Confused.

. Götze – Tubby waster, more interested in getting Instagram likes than in actually getting fit.

. Schürrle – Has no real position on the pitch, awful tactically.

. Harry Kane – Works like a horse but actually very limited.

. Higuain – Fat and selfish, got lucky at Napoli but will be found out at Juve.
Harsh but all true.
Philipp (how are Walcott or Rooney overrated? Everybody knows they’re sh*te.), Munich


A Fraud XI for you

I’m sure you’ll get a few of these, my God can the football start again.

Quick disclaimer: this will be Premier League heavy.

GK: LLoris.
Very good goalie, but is he in the top level like some others? Truth be told, this was stretching it a little bit.

LB: Rose
Benefited from a very in-form Spurs side last season, Bale should have targeted him in the Euros.

CB: Smalling
Should be giving away fouls and penalties all over the shop. Truth be told, a very average defender.

CB: Williams
Again, a good player, but often linked with the likes of Arsenal. Swansea is very much his level.

RB: Darmian
Not actually a very good player in my opinion.

CM: Carrick
Underrated in his prime, but his legs have gone now. Still see some United fans who want him to start?

CM: McCarthy
Very good first season under Martinez, doesn’t offer enough going forward to be box to box, isn’t as good defensively as Barry.

LAM: Payet
Great season for an average player. After the first two games had a poor Euros, yet still in many team of the tournaments.

CAM: Alli
Again, good season, but is he good enough at the top level. Some talk as if he already has the quality, when in reality, it is still potential.

RAM: Coutinho
Takes about 427 shots to score one, admittedly top quality, goal. Swerve.

ST: Kane
I just don’t get it. So poor for England. Often talked with 60mil+ fees. How?!

Bench: Luiz, Wilshere, El Mohammadi, Shaqiri, Costa, Schlupp, Martial (ever so slightly)
Liam EFC (850k net spend – watch out big boys!)


A fraudulent Tyne-Wear XI
I thought I’d try and make a fraudulent Newcastle/Sunderland 11, five from each and big Titus as captain for managing to con us both. Quite easy actually, we’ve not always spent well up here.

Gk- Craig Gordon
RB- Vergini
CB- Titus Shambles, Captain, Leader, Plonker.
CB- Boumsong
LB- Babayaro
RM- Geremi
CM- Jack Rodwell
CM- Ricky Alvarez
LM- Albert Luque
ST- Emanuel Rivière
ST- Jozy Altodore

Transfer fees and wages would make an accountant question life. I’ve not even mentioned Steven Fletcher and that really interesting upbeat fellow who commentates for BT Sport.
Paul (Mentioning anyone signed by Dennis Wise felt like cheating) NUFC


Reaction to this morning’s mails
Wow, where to start on my reaction to this morning’s mailbox?! Not sure if The Smoking Gunner has ever seen Benteke play but he is basically just a Giroud-lite and will solve exactly none of Arenal’s problems. They need an instinctive finisher not another targetman.

OK Shane from Ireland, I’ll bite. Do you even follow football? Napoli just finished 2nd in Serie A behind a dominant Juventus team, Spurs finished 3rd in the league with the youngest average age of any squad, Welbeck’s injury made England notably worse off in the Euros, and David Luiz plays centre-mid for a Champion’s League quarter-finalist. If we’re talking about an overrated XI, why no Coutinho? He is capable of winning any match but does it about twice a season whilst the rest of the team seem to carry him for most of the other games.

As for Eric, if you don’t like the articles, do what I do and don’t read them. No one’s forcing you buddy.
Alan Ewens


Defending F365
Just feeling the need to defend F365. It’s utterly perfect. It carries debates, discussions and alternative views. It doesn’t suck up to former footballers and even gives the chance to have a viewpoint heard. The mailbox is a prestigious place (i.e. someone thinks my email is worthy of being shared).

As a content writer myself, I get that content has to be produced that garners clicks while also remaining interesting.

The great thing about F365 is that you know you’re not getting spurious galleries of footballers gfs or dining habits to get those clicks.

What I don’t understand is why people click links to get annoyed. I click links to read articles, but also because sites need clicks to fund them. Therefore, if football related news (like Allardyce becoming England manager) comes to my attention on Twitter, I’ll typically wait for F365 for their insight. I try to avoid giving clicks to the DM, Sun, etc…. I cancelled my Sky Sports subscription because I object to 95% of programming to be irrelevant fluff, lacking in intelligence, or simply repeats. And they have ads on top (plus the Murdoch thing).

Personally, I’d rather more sites like F365 than fecking banter sites sharing no insight and just regurgitating crap.

Keep it up fellas and ladies, and ignore the twats who threaten to leave if you don’t change.
Rob, London


…Yes F365, I know I’m just taking the opportunity to lick your backsides and get in the mailbox, but why not? I feel as though I should leap to the defence of you, my favourite website, when faced with horrible criticism from Eric, who may be bored at work, but is also “enraging others at work” (aka: people who read F365).

I think I have read pretty much every feature F365 has produced for the past 9 or 10 years. (Pretty much) every mailbox, Mediawatch, predictions, “icon”, 16 Conclusions, F365 Says, and guest writers, and whatever else you produce, and I have enjoyed it immensely. I can tell you for a stone-cold fact, with the cold, dead eyes of a Terminator that I love the fact that F365 is free of charge, and that your content is on a par with anything I can read in a tabloid or broadsheet (and that’s not a back-handed compliment btw, Mediawatchers…).

Here’s to another nine years of reading the Mailbox during my lunch, and only getting published about 40% of the time when I write in.
Dale May, Swindon Wengerite


Five things we learned about Eric
As a tribute to the dire ‘5 things we learnt about’ pieces from the papers, here’s one for Eric regarding his mail on your free content. (including the obligatory question)

1. Eric is clearly aware there is very little football about, so there is unlikely to be much to write about.
2. During the close season, you usually get people like Eric who appear to be going a bit stir crazy about the lack of football.
3. Do you think Eric knows that when there is football back there will be more to write about?
4. Paul Pogba is not currently at work, but given the transfer nonsense going on about him he is unlikely to be bored, like Eric.
5. Brendan Rodgers would have classified Erics email as ‘Outstanding’.
Chris ITFC, Liverpool

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