Mails: Some imaginary Wayne Rooney poems

Date published: Tuesday 29th September 2015 2:34

An afternoon Mailbox which imagines some Wayne Rooney poems, says that James Morrison is nice in an allegedly way, and takes on the Grealish situation. For the last time, please…

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Some Rooney poems
So apparently, in a new documentary called ‘Wayne Rooney – The Man Behind The Goals’ it’s revealed that our favourite footballing Shrek impersonator often writes poetry for his wife and proposed in a petrol station. Good lad Wayne. Keep the romance alive.

Luckily, me and Coleen are big pals and I asked if she’d show me some of his poetry. Here are my favourites:
You’re like a football,
I love you,
But I would never kick you,
So maybe you’re not like a football

Beautiful, Wayne really grasps similes in that one. Here’s another:
Shall I compare thee to that overhead kick I scored against City?
Because that was f*cking brilliant

Fair enough. It was a good goal Wayne. One last one, just to appreciate the scintillating brilliance of the man:
And Rooney scores!
Nine months later,
Kai is born,

A stab at humour there from Wayne, and doesn’t he pull it off well? He may not be appreciated in his time, but then neither were Van Gogh or Oscar Wilde. Hopefully one day his full works will be released and we can fully appreciate the intellect behind that hair transplant. Write on Wayne, write on.
Joe, Telford


I mean we literally got 56 of these
I’m sure you will get plenty of these, but the reason Arsene Wenger didn’t have any draws in the J-League is because there weren’t any draws. All games went to golden goal and then penalties at the time, so draws were not possible.

Arsene has had plenty of stick recently, some of it justified, but failing to achieve the impossible by changing the regulations of Japanese football is a bit harsh.
Adonis Stevenson, AFC



Sort the defence Brendan, and you can preach
I’ve just read the article whereby Brendan Rodgers has suggested that the unavailability of Daniel Sturridge for the most part of last season cost them a Champions League place as well as a trophy, and I mind immediately jumps to the defensive organization of Liverpool. I do believe in part that Sturridge does bring improved finishing, confidence and flair to a side that has been stagnant and mundane at times but I don’t believe that Rodgers can or should place the blame of failing to qualify for the champions league at the feet of the injured Sturridge.

In the previous campaign, they’ve let in 48 goals which is way too high for a team that intends on qualifying for the Champions League. In the campaign that they challenged for the title they let in 50 goals and I just don’t see how Brendan Rodgers has improved this aspect of Liverpool. Yes if they had Sturridge they’ve could have scored more goals but I don’t think even he would have changed many results like the 6-1 loss to stoke city.

There is an inherent defensive instability and incoherence that hasn’t been sorted out by Rodgers and I’d wager that would be the main reason for costing them a champions league place or even a trophy for that matter. So Rodgers can continue to moan for as much as he wants about the loss of Sturridge but he has to take the blame for bringing in poor quality strikers like Borini, Lambert and Balotelli to cover for the injured Sturridge. He knows that Sturridge is made of glass but yet isn’t able to sort out his attack.

So until he’s able to sort out his defensive headaches, I don’t think he has any right to blame anyone else for the failure of his team except himself.
Lee, MUFC, Singapore


England: Pinchers
Good mail
regarding Grealish this morning.

The English football team, don’t get much stick for this and they should – they just want to ‘secure’ Jack Grealish on the off chance he comes good.

They tried it with Victor Moses, he declined (Good for him), they succeeded with Wilfriend Zaha, who turned down an international career with the Ivory Coast, for a 2 cap dalliance with England – never to be seen on the international scene again.

Grealish is 20, being forced to make a decision that will impact his career for ten years.  If Villa go down, and Grealish’s career flops to championship/lower premier league level he could still play and impact International football for Ireland, as things stand England will cap him and then leave him on the shelf of a few months/years to see if he turns into something.

On the flip side, Grealish has to back his own ability and aim high I suppose.
Thom, Newport


It’s Keano’s Fault
I think Keith Reilly’s email on the subject of Jack Grealish declaring for England as opposed to Ireland has some valid points and is well-reasoned but points to a really depressing reality that we Irish football fans all have to face.

Keith rightly points out that Grealish will face more competition for a spot in the England squad, because the quality of English players is a good bit higher across the board than Irish players, but is that a reason not to choose England? They’re the better team, when Grealish was told by Tim Sherwood that he was going to be in the team for the first time his response was ‘it’s about time’, the kid is clearly supremely confident in his ability and believes that he should have been in the Villa team sooner, and compared to the absolute drek that Lambert his then assistant manager  (and Ireland’s assistant manager) Roy Keane chose ahead of him he’s probably right.

So why would he choose Ireland? His parents are both born in England, do we really think his attitude should be ‘I don’t want to play for England because it might be a bit hard and I’d have to actually play well on a consistent basis.’ If he was that meek and lacking confidence in his ability as a footballer would we want him to play for us? I think not.
Daniel, Mother Base, CFC.


The last word on Grealish
Jack Grealish – Born in England, to English parents, with an ancestor who has played international football for England and wants to play for England because he feels English, chooses England.

If I was Irish, I would be furious.

P.S Didn’t Aston Villa’s English born, England U17, U18, U19 and U20’s centre half Ciaran Clark choose Ireland at the last minute? Not to mention Simon Cox, David McGoldrick, Jon Walters, Harry Arter, Anthony Pilkington, Paul Green, Cyrus Christie, Richard Keogh, Rob Elliott and Kieren Westwood from their last squad? Cant win ‘em all.
Tom H


Frozen out players
Enjoyed the frozen-out feature
, but all it made me think was that Valdes really, really screwed up (in terms of playing meaningful football) when he went to Utd rather than coming to us. I hope the rumours going around that we are going to bid for him in January are more than just people putting two and two together, because even though he looked nowhere near his best on the runouts he got last year I’m prepared to state with absolute certainty he is much better than Mignolet, and probably Bogdan.

Also, thanks for mentioning Joao Carlos Teixeira. He’s great, almost exactly the same player and talent as Coutinho (just slightly younger and thus slightly less developed), and I’ve given up on hoping he’ll get a go in our team because giving Lallana opportunities to prove his mediocrity is apparently more important than playing someone who actually might be (is) good. I hope someone in the Prem recognises his talent, buys him, makes him their main man – and then never lets Liverpool forget what they could have had if Rodgers wasn’t inexplicably attached to the disappointment machine from the South Coast.

Anyone else got any quality young players that are currently on the books but never get a chance at their club? Ones that you know will be good or great players but are inexplicably forbidden from proper football, and will cause immense regret amongst your club’s fans in the future? Obviously Chelsea will have about 200 (De Bruyne being the most recent example), but anyone else? I’m enjoying trying to spot upcoming stars in the youth systems, it’d be nice to have more names to monitor.
Matt, LFC


James Morrison: (Allegedly) nice
Every time I see, hear or read anything about James Morrison I remember this charming ale: On how he ‘met’ my friend once on holiday in Corfu about 12 years ago.

A very nice guy she reports. So much so that she went back to the bar she was working in (doing a season), to find a camera she lost in the drunken haze the previous night in the safe hands of her colleagues. Mr. Morrison, upon finding it under his pillow, had looked through enough photos to see where she worked, and then returned the camera with a nice note.

They never met again, and there’s no point to this mail at all, just surprisingly nice behaviour from someone who pops up on my TV occasionally.
James Gooner


Steady On
Matt Stead – when talking about things people got wrong:

“Mark Hughes added Moha El Ouriachi and Ibrahim Afellay to his collection of former Barcelona stars, joining Bojan and Marc Muniesa.”

OK, I’ll give you Bojan and I’ll let you off on Afellay despite his 2 goals in 35 appearances as we all thought he’d be a great player if it weren’t for his injury, but:

Muniesa – 2 appearances for Barça

Moha El Ouriachi – according to he joined from youth team ‘FC BARCELONA JUVENIL A’ along with such other ‘stars’ of the continent’s B teams and 2nd divisions.
Laurie Barton


Laboured references since forever
Ed; nice James Morrison (the singer) intro for James Morrison (WBA); hats off for ‘you give me something’ reference.
Kevin (F365, you make it real for me) MUFC

… Cancel Mediawatch’s headline of the day for tomorrow and just give it to ‘James Morrison – he gives you something’ absolute gold. I just hope other readers appreciate it as much as I did.
Brendan, Ireland


Can you work out why this Mail got in?
Hey English Champions League teams,

Try not to sh*t the bed this week. Remember the coefficient!
Brian (Daniel Storey has wonderful fashion sense) LFC

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