Man Utd: Erik ten Hag both ‘mischievous’ and ‘cryptic’ with eight words on Neymar

Editor F365
Man Utd target Neymar

Congratulations to Erik ten Hag, for we have never seen such depths of emotion conveyed in just eight words about Neymar.


Starter for Ten
This is the sum total of everything said by Erik ten Hag when asked about Neymar in Wednesday’s press conference: “When we have news, we will tell you.”

Eight words. Here’s the video in full:

Eight words. Eight non-committal, anodyne words that are pretty much a stock answer to any transfer question while the actual season is still in progress. So of course…

HAVE SAMBA THAT, indeed. He really did ‘fuel talk of Paris snatch’ with those eight words in which he said absolutely nothing.

And the Daily Star are not the only ones to make such a giant f***ing leap.

‘Erik ten Hag REFUSES to rule out a sensational move for Neymar this summer after reports in France linked Manchester United with a move for the PSG and Brazil star’ – Mail. REFUSES? You have seen the video; he didn’t come under an awful lot of pressure.

Chris Wheeler then tells us that Ten Hag ‘has mischievously refused to dismiss speculation linking Manchester United with a sensational move for Neymar’.

Mischievous? He doesn’t even sodding smile.

TalkSPORT opt for ‘Manchester United manager Erik Ten Hag answers question on Neymar transfer speculation’, which is technically true. But to then say that he ‘has shed light on his side’s rumoured pursuit of Paris Saint-Germain forward Neymar’ is absolutely not technically true. That’s not even cycle dynamo levels of light shed.

‘Erik ten Hag refuses to rule out Neymar deal despite being told transfer plan is a bad idea’ is the Mirror‘s take as they note that Ten Hag said those anodyne eight words despite the wise words of Louis Saha. What more guidance does he need? Fool.

The Express? Well they tell us that ‘Man Utd boss Erik ten Hag offers cryptic Neymar update as summer transfer not ruled out’. Because it is incredibly difficult to understand what Ten Hag might have possibly meant by “when we have news, we will tell you”. It’s like the seagulls and the trawler all over again.

But congratulations to Ten Hag, for we have never seen such depths of emotion conveyed in just eight words. Has a man ever been simultaneously mischievous and cryptic while saying basically nothing at all?


Slot machine
Hot on the heels of Erik ten Hag REFUSING to rule out a move for Neymar comes Arne Slot REJECTING Tottenham. So much negativity.

According to MailOnline, who never knowingly undersell a story: ‘Feyenoord boss Arne Slot REJECTS the Tottenham manager’s job and reveals he wants to stay in Holland despite talks with agent Rafaela Pimenta… leaving Daniel Levy short on options’.

Lovely bit of obfuscation there. Surely Slot REJECTED Tottenham because of talks with agent Rafaela Pimenta, which likely earned him a bumper new Feyenoord contract.


Operation Levy
Mediawatch is very much enjoying the Spurs PR machine being put in motion. Over at Sky Sports, Rob Dorsett has apparently said this with a straight face:

“When Nuno Espirito Santo was appointed, it took Spurs 76 days before he got the job. It’s been exactly 60 days since Antonio Conte was sacked as Spurs manager. This isn’t happening quickly for Spurs – but that’s deliberate, from my understanding.

“They want to be thorough and do their due diligence in their process of appointing a new manager. They will take their time.”

From the outside it looks like a farce, but this is deliberate. Everything is going exactly – and we mean exactly – to plan.


You and you both
Back to Manchester United and the Mirror have found a new angle, coincidentally the day after Harry Maguire was named in the latest England squad.

The headline? ‘Rio Ferdinand’s ominious Harry Maguire warning as Erik ten Hag plans ruthless clear-out’

‘Ominious’ is an excellent start but we’re not here to judge typos; we are here to judge sh*thousing.

The story? ‘Manchester United captain Harry Maguire appears to have been encouraged to leave Old Trafford in pursuit of more game time by both ex-Red Devil Rio Ferdinand ahead of a summer of upheaval.’


The quote? “I think he needs to. If he wants to resurrect his career he has to go in the summer. He cannot stay there and play second fiddle. If he genuinely wants to stay as an England player and get back on track.”

The date? May 16. Which is a perfect day for an ominious warning that becomes news nine days later on the day of a Manchester United game.


Raheem the dream tweet
Mediawatch was almost sent off galloping down an old familiar path by this tweet…

…but, having actually watched the clip, we can save our ire for the social media bod who must have absolutely known the trick they were pulling in a bid to court engagement.

Jordan has his faults but he has absolutely not said that Raheem Sterling has ‘allowed money to distract his evolution’. Somebody has thrown him under the bus for those 4.4million views that are going to look bloody brilliant on a social media spreadsheet at the end of May.