Man Utd transfer latest: £100m hint and £100m pipe dream as media lap up nonsense

Man Utd are not signing anybody but in this wretched January transfer window, we must all pretend that they might.

Manchester United and the great rebuild
The only way for the online football media (yes, that includes us) to get through this hellscape of a January transfer window blighted by FFP fears is to simply pretend that fantastic and exciting things are happening with Manchester United.

On Monday there was an Erik ten Hag clear-out of players who had started a grand total of one Premier League game this season, and on Tuesday we are told with great bombast by the never-subtle Mirror:

AMBITIOUS PLANS! Ratcliffe’s rebuild at Manchester United remains on track after Mendes – former agent of Ronaldo – drops £100m transfer hint in boost for new part-owner

So much to unpick here but first, that really is some phenomenal work to crowbar Ronaldo into that headline; Mediawatch would stand up and applaud but we’re not one of those pr*cks with a desk designed for ‘agile’ working.

So let’s hear this hint (sorry, £100m transfer hint) from Mendes that has apparently given a boost to Ratcliffe, who is an ever-present in every Manchester United headline this January because SEO.

Jorge Mendes has dropped a hint that Joao Neves, who is a transfer target for Manchester United, could leave Benfica this summer.

First, of course Joao Neves could leave Benfica this summer. He’s one of the most heralded young players in world football and heralded young players do not usually stay in minor leagues for long.

Second, Jorge Mendes wants a pay-day so of course he wants Neves to leave Benfica this summer.

Third, that’s not really a ‘boost’ to Manchester United. More a boost to Real Madrid and Manchester City, both of whom are interested in Neves and both of whom have a far greater chance of signing him than the eighth best team in England.

So what’s the ‘hint’ that has sent Ratcliffe into raptures?

Neves, who has a €120million (£103m) buyout clause in his contract, is represented by Mendes and the agent has confirmed Benfica will need to make a decision on whether to sell the midfielder and fellow youngster Antonio Silva, 20, at the end of the season.

“Their (Benfica’s) president Rui Costa will have to decide when he’s ready to consider a deal,” Mendes, who previously represented Cristiano Ronaldo, told Portuguese outlet Record. “It’s always the club’s decision. I can take the proposals and the conditions.”

So the ‘hint’ that Neves could leave – presumably for Manchester United – is that the club will decide whether to sell in the next transfer window. As every single club in Europe does for every single player in every single transfer window.

Hallelujah – for good times are coming for Manchester United and Ratcliffe.

Blind ambition
Kudos to Evening Standard man Nizaar Kinsella for presumably keeping a straight face over the last few weeks as he has been fed various ambitious lines by the Sir Jim Ratcliffe camp.

Wisely switching his attention from Chelsea towards a subject that garners clicks, Kinsella was the first to break the news that Manchester United want Michael Olise. So far, so good.

Then came this massive bucket of wishful thinking:

Manchester United have set out their transfer priorities under Sir Jim Ratcliffe and want to sign a top-class forward who is at a similar level to Harry Kane.

The slight flaw in the plan: there are no top-class forwards who are a similar level to Harry Kane who are not called Erling Haaland. It’s a pipe dream.

And now…

United want around £50m each for Sancho and Antony, who have both struggled since making big-money moves to Old Trafford.

Megalolz.

The headline calls it a ‘£100m transfer plan’. We humbly suggest they come up with a Plan B.

Dream….dream, dream, dream
The idea that Manchester United can somehow decide that a Saudi Pro League club will pay £50m for Antony is just wonderful. In the Mirror‘s chop-and-shop job they write ‘Man Utd plot Saudi transfer exit for Erik ten Hag flop as Sir Jim Ratcliffe makes feelings clear’.

Despite his meagre output, United will hope to recoup around £50m for Antony, with Saudi Arabia offering the silver bullet to their woes.

They can ‘hope’ all they want, but calling it a ‘plot’ is a tad misleading when a) a Saudi club would have to agree to massively overpay for Antony and b) Antony would have to agree to join a Saudi Arabian club.

But c) why don’t they just ask for £100m? And then they can buy that ‘top-class forward who is at a similar level to Harry Kane’.

If you want the job done right, hire a professional
‘Erik ten Hag finally has chance he’s been waiting for at Man Utd as target sends message’ farts the Express.

Apparently, the ‘chance he’s been waiting for’ has come with the revelation that Leon Goretzka said “not today, sorry” when asked to comment after Bayern Munich’s latest defeat.

So of course ‘a golden transfer opportunity Erik ten Hag has waited patiently for could be about to land in the Manchester United manager’s lap’. It really could.