Manchester City stars reassigned upon expulsion: Everton get Haaland and old target joins Arsenal

Matt Stead
Manchester City players celebrate

In the event that Manchester City are expelled from the Premier League for their various financial misdeeds, their stars will likely need to find new homes.

Kind souls that we are here at Football365, it seems only right to save everyone the admin by reallocating the composite parts of that Manchester City squad now.


Zack Steffen – Leeds
Jesse Marsch might have gone but Leeds have leaned too far into the Team America thing to back out now.


Stefan Ortega – Southampton
From 1986 loanee Eric Nixon to Angus Gunn, then Willy Caballero (alright, he was at Chelsea in between) and now Gavin Bazunu, Southampton do have a thing for signing Manchester City keepers.


Ederson – Liverpool
Watching a Liverpool fanbase work itself into an impotent rage at the mere prospective injustice of their brilliance going largely unrewarded because of potential financial impropriety, before then having to retract their Alisson versus Ederson hot takes, would be great fun. Plus the bloke once said he would be “definitely up to the task” of playing in midfield for Manchester City and Jurgen Klopp is running out of cost-effective solutions for that position.


Scott Carson – Real Madrid


Kyle Walker – Tottenham
Tottenham have spent around £120m on right-backs or right wing-backs in the five-and-a-half years since Kyle Walker left and sure, Pedro Porro might be the exception to a rule of frustrating inadequacy in the role, but who better to replace Walker than Walker?


Ruben Dias – Wolves
A Jorge Mendes client, to clear up any confusion.


John Stones – Roma
Jose Mourinho tried to sign the centre-half for Chelsea and Man Utd but the hat-trick will be completed at Roma. Smalldini and Alessandro Nestones, anyone?


Nathan Ake – Nottingham Forest
That stale Nottingham Forest squad could do with freshening up and a few new faces.


Joao Cancelo – Paris Saint-Germain
Expulsion or not, he ain’t ever playing for Manchester City again, so there will be an imminent answer to this question. But a quick rebuild and league title at Bayern Munich should lead nicely into a permanent move to Paris Saint-Germain as Joao Cancelo continues his tour of western Europe.


Aymeric Laporte – Bayern Munich
The two greatest Erics in Premier League history should link up while the opportunity exists. Laporte and Choupo-Moting could do incredible things together.


Sergio Gomez – Girona
It’s that, New York City or Melbourne City, which is not a bad choice.


Manuel Akanji – Brentford
The data-driven, analytical approach at Brentford would serve Manuel Akanji’s most-renowned non-footballing talent well.


Rico Lewis – Bournemouth
That really is an almost parodically Bournemouth footballer name.


Kalvin Phillips – Man Utd
He could be a weirdly inverse Alan Smith: a Leeds hero signed by Man Utd as a result of economic-based crisis and transformed from battling midfielder into useful, hard-working striker.


Ilkay Gundogan – Newcastle
That name. That accent. Make it so.


Jack Grealish – Crystal Palace
Newcastle would be a humorous destination for Jack Grealish as understudy to Miguel Almiron but with Wilfried Zaha on one side and the former Aston Villa captain on the other, Crystal Palace games would never conclude due to the sheer volume of fouls suffered by tricky wide forwards.

Liverpool's Joe Gomez tackles Jack Grealish


Rodri – Aston Villa
As the scorer of what technically amounted to the goal which decided the 2020 League Cup final, Rodri needs to make it right to an Aston Villa side which any independent commission worth its salt would know was robbed.


Kevin De Bruyne – West Ham
David Moyes will already have the Leon Osman tapes ready
to show Kevin De Bruyne how to pass, cross, create and generally influence a game. Do not ask why. Just watch, learn and be grateful.


Bernardo Silva – Fulham
The chance for the Irish father and son to reunite at Craven Cottage is not something Fulham manager Marc O’Silva is about to pass up on.


Maximo Perrone – Brighton
A 20-year-old Argentinean midfielder signed for £8m from Velez Sarsfield in a January transfer window is as Brighton as it gets.


Phil Foden – Chelsea
That Chelsea squad really is looking a little light on precociously talented attacking options who could theoretically play as but categorically are not strikers.


Erling Haaland – Everton
Sean Dyche will show him what it is to be a proper striker like Sam Vokes, Ashley Barnes or Chris Wood. Plus the Everton boat could do with rocking and pitting divorcee Erling Haaland against Ben Godfrey in training every day would be entertaining.


Julian Alvarez – Leicester
“Julian scored three goals in the last game for River Plate and Man City made an incredible deal because he is a player who moves really well, the goals he scores are like Jamie Vardy’s,” said Guardiola last year. It would give Brendan Rodgers his latest excuse not to use Kelechi Iheanacho properly.


Riyad Mahrez – Arsenal
Might as well give it one last go for old times’ sake.