How will Manchester United play Lewandowski, Mount, De Jong and Nkunku?

The media is in full ‘let’s pretend Manchester United are going to buy a load of players’ territory – even though it is bollocks.

Let’s pretend
We are firmly in bloody daft territory now and if there is daftness to be found, it is likely to be on the Mirror website, who headline their LIVE transfer blog with this bombastic effort:

‘Transfer news LIVE: Lewandowski opens Man Utd door, Pogba deal close, plus Mane and Kounde latest’

Our eyes are immediately drawn to ‘Lewandowski opens Man Utd door’ because it sounds suspiciously like utter bollocks. We absolutely know that Lewandowski has done nothing of the sort, though we are happy to ‘control F the f***’ out of Lewandowski to see if the Mirror can tell us any different.

‘There are a lot of big names who could be on the move with some high-profile payers hitting free agency. Robert Lewandowski announced that his Bayern Munich career is over with the striker reportedly set to join Barcelona, but Manchester United are lurking.’

First, Lewandowski is not hitting free agency. Second, he cannot announce that his Bayern Munich career is over because he is still under contract. And third, ‘Manchester United are lurking’, are they? Says who?

Well, says the Mirror obviously, who posted this on Tuesday morning:

‘Bayern Munich’s Robert Lewandowski could be another option for Manchester United this summer after he announced his career at his current club is “over”.

‘The Poland international has reportedly told his club bosses that he won’t be signing a new contract at Bayern, with his current deal expiring in a year’s time. Manchester United have been linked with an ambitious move for Lewandowski, although Barcelona are believed to be the frontrunners.

‘United are long-term admirers of the striker, however, having first tried to sign him before Sir Alex Ferguson signed Robin van Persie in 2012. And his latest statement could open the door for United to give it another try with the striker.’

So Lewandowski has made a statement that ‘could open the door for United’ even though there is absolutely zero chance of the Pole leaving Bayern Munich for a club in the Europa League. Zero chance.

And a day later the Mirror are selling their live transfer blog as ‘Lewandowski opens Man Utd door’. Didn’t he also open the door to Brighton, Brentford and Nottingham Forest? It must be a hell of a big door.

Plot luck
The big clicks are in pretending Manchester United are about to sign new footballers so the Express transfer blog embraces the idea with some gusto:

”Transfer News LIVE: Man Utd ‘plot two medicals’, Salah favours Prem move, Tottenham latest’

To ‘plot’ is to ‘secretly make plans to carry out’ so we are intrigued by this. Here we go…

‘Manchester United are keen to book top targets Frenkie de Jong and Jurrien Timber in for medicals by the time their Netherlands international duties come to an end on June 14.

‘Agreements have not yet been reached with Barcelona or Ajax respectively, and De Jong even came out on Tuesday stating that he would prefer to stay in Catalonia.

‘But 90min claim that United are pressing on regardless, and are already eyeing up the latter stages of both deals.’

That’s a hell of a quick climbdown from ‘plot’ to ‘keen to book’. We don’t get the impression that there have been any secret plans.

So to 90min we go to find talk of this ‘plot’…

‘Both Timber and his international teammate De Jong are with the Dutch training camp ahead of their Nations League games in June, but United would ideally like to have both in for medicals by the time their time with the Oranje comes to an end.’

‘Ideally’? ‘Ideally’? Does that sound like a plot to anybody not desperate to dupe Manchester United fans into thinking two signings are anywhere near close?

Mount out of a molehill
The big Manchester United transfer claim of the week came from The Sun, who boldly ventured that ‘MANCHESTER UNITED boss Erik ten Hag is watching Mason Mount’s contract situation at Chelsea as he considers a shock move for the England star’. We all picked it up because, well, clicks, but it’s all a nonsense, isn’t it?

He can ‘watch’ all he likes but there’s no way that Mount is going to leave Chelsea to play Europa League football with Manchester United. No way.

There’s no legs in this story, surely? Unless you’re the Mirror website…

‘Five reasons Mason Mount will remain at Chelsea despite Erik ten Hag’s Man Utd interest’

Five? You only need one, fellas: It would be mental.

Getting shirty
Manchester United have also been linked with Christopher Nkunku. He has openly expressed his preference to join French champions and Champions League regulars PSG, but the Manchester Evening News have pin-pointed an advantage for Manchester United which will presumably go some way to counter-balance the small matter of United not offering elite European football:

‘Erik ten Hag could hand Christopher Nkunku ideal shirt number if Man United complete transfer’

It’s practically nailed on.

‘Even if Nkunku did force a move, United’s lack of Champions League football may well prove costly.

‘Yet, the club would be able to offer the 24-year-old several options for his shirt number if he did join the club. The most obvious is the No.18, which Nkunku has worn with great success during his three years in Leipzig. Though the number is currently worn by Bruno Fernandes at Old Trafford, the Portuguese will be eyeing up the No.8 if Mata does depart and would leave it free for a new signing to take.’

That ‘yet’ is doing an awful lot of work there.

So no Champions League football, Christopher, sorry about that, but we can offer you the number 18 shirt (if Bruno Fernandes agrees to vacate it). When are you available to sign? They could offer the No. 9 but presumably that is going to Lewandowski after he ‘opened the door’.