It’s all Manchester United in the media as everybody pretends that they’re signing a whole host of players (if the shirt fits).
I have a dream (Manchester United shirt number)
You know that Mediawatch likes nothing more/less than ‘dream Manchester United shirt number talk’. Presumably the only reason Benjamin Sesko is not yet a Manchester United player is that Nathan Bishop has not yet vacated the No. 30 shirt.
So we come now to Manchester United target Casemiro and find out via the Manchester Evening News that…
‘Erik ten Hag transfer decision has denied Casemiro his dream Manchester United shirt number’
Well, that’s that f***ed then.
It turns out that the ‘Erik ten Hag transfer decision’ that could scupper this otherwise nailed-on transfer is that he signed Christian Eriksen. The idiot.
Obviously all this ignores the fact that Casemiro has made it clear why he chose the No. 14 shirt at Real Madrid – “I chose the number 14 shirt because of Guti and Xabi Alonso, the two players who made history with Real Madrid” – and it is very specific to Real Madrid. He is highly unlikely to insist on the No. 14 shirt at Manchester United in honour of David May, Zoran Tosic or Jesse Lingard.
The MEN then run through which shirt numbers Casemiro could choose, should he decided to forego Champions League football and join the worst team in the Premier League.
‘United still have a handful of relatively famous shirt numbers up for grabs for any further signings, including No.13, No.15 and No.18.’
‘Relatively famous’? What you mean there is ‘relatively low’. Unless of course Casemiro is a massive fan of No. 13 alumni Ji-sung Park.
(And yes, we do know Paul Scholes wore the No. 18 and thus that might actually be Casemiro’s ‘dream Manchester United shirt number’. Sh*thouse article incoming?)
Heaven knows we’re miserable Joao
The excellent news for Manchester United is that Joao Felix’s ‘dream Manchester United shirt number’ would probably be No.79 (he wanted that shirt at Atletico but was given the No. 7 instead) and that is currently unoccupied. Phew. Now they just need to find €350m.
And the other excellent news, according to the Mirror website, is that he has already been in contact with Erik ten Hag. Or at least that’s the impression they want you to get from this click machine:
‘Joao Felix has told Erik ten Hag his best position and who Man Utd should sign after him’
Has he though? Well, has he f***.
‘If Erik ten Hag eventually gets his man, however, then Felix wants to operate behind the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo and Anthony Martial as a striker. “My best position is as the second forward,” the Portuguese prodigy told the Athletic earlier this year. “Playing like a No. 10, with a guy in front of me.”‘
Does Ten Hag work for the Athletic? Somehow it would not surprise us.
And of course the player that ‘Man Utd should sign after him’ is Matheus Cunha. Of course it is. On the grounds that Joao Felix likes playing for Atletico Madrid with an Atletico Madrid striker.
SPOILER: Neither of them will join Manchester United.
Never say Neves again
If you think that was low, try this one from the Express website, who accompany this headline with an image of Ruben Neves:
‘Man Utd can finally put Frenkie de Jong transfer saga to bed after £42m agreement struck’
Have Manchester United struck a £42m agreement for Neves? Have Manchester United struck a £42m agreement for anyone?
No and emphatically no.
What Manchester United have done is be advised by somebody who works for the Express that Wolves signing Matheus Nunes hands them ‘the perfect transfer incentive’ to sign Ruben Neves.
All of which is obviously reflected in that headline and a slug of ‘Man-Utd-transfer-news-Ruben-Neves-Matheus-Nunes-Wolves-Frenkie-de-Jong’.
Antony and the Joneses
When MailOnline throw a big old REVEALED into their headline, you are expecting a big REVEAL. And to be fair, they deliver with Thursday morning’s big old revelation that:
‘Manchester United will have to stump up £67.5million to secure the services of Ajax forward Antony this summer’
Now that’s a whole £500,000 more than Manchester United were being quoted a whole two days ago, when those chancers at the, erm, MailOnline told us that Ajax forward Antony is ‘no longer an option for Manchester United’ this summer.
But this is transfer expert Simon Jones so we believe his great REVEAL that Manchester United will now have to ‘stump up £67.5million’, which is described by Jones as ‘a large sum of money’.
It is indeed a large sum of money, but absolutely not as much as £84m.
Here’s a little something from MailOnline in July:
‘Ajax have dramatically upped their asking price for in-demand winger Antony in a bid to stave off interest from Manchester United.
‘New Red Devils manager Erik ten Hag is interested in bringing the Brazilian star to Old Trafford this summer.
‘But the Dutch side have raised their fee demand from £68m to £84m to underline he is not for sale.’
And who wrote that? Simon Jones, of course. Consider that REVEALED.
One for the ‘if the opposite is a bigger story’ files…
‘Chelsea star Marc Cucurella insists he WON’T get his curly hair cut despite having it pulled by Tottenham rival Romero’ – The Sun.
And there we were thinking that he would immediately change the hairstyle he has sported all his life after one incident.