BREAKING: Man and son watch football match, Mbappe banned on eve of Arsenal clash, Amorim fired warning
A father and son watched a football match on Tuesday night, so everything else is a footnote. Even Kylian Mbappe being banned on the eve of Real Madrid’s clash with Arsenal.
Heir apparent
We’re sometimes careful to avoid pinning too much blame on the bylined writers of tish and fipsy because Mediawatch is all too aware how even in these days of pared-back newsdesks, the heavy hand of the sub can still on occasion be detected.
We suspect Neil Moxley in the Mirror is one such victim. His colour piece from Villa Park is fine, as these things go. Bit flowery for our tastes with paragraphs like this…
One of the country’s most famous sporting arenas was turned into a seething pit of excitement as one of the most improbable comebacks of all time approached reality.
…liable to make Mediawatch’s teeth itch, but that’s our problem, not Neil’s or anyone else’s.
What’s made Mediawatch’s Spidey senses tingle, though, is the headline.
Prince William’s reaction said it all during Aston Villa’s incredible PSG fightback
Did it? Did Prince William’s reaction say it all?
Not, it would seem, in Moxley’s view. Because he mentions Prince William precisely once. And we’re not remotely convinced he even did that; it’s a throwaway mention that absolutely reeks of a late addition to allow that specific headline to be grafted artlessly but no doubt clickily into place.
Villa Park has never seen a night like it. There was open-mouthed astonishment everywhere – including that on the face of his royal highness Prince William.
Surprised Moxley even bothered to write any more words after that. It had all been said.
Royal appointment
The Mirror aren’t the only ones gleefully turning a genuinely great Champions League game into Willswatch.
The Sun go with a toe-curling pun, because of course they do.
HEIROIC FAILURE: Heartbreak for Prince William & George as Villa lose nail-biting Champions League clash by a goal after valiant battle
The Mail Online come up with what is even by their standards an extraordinarily long headline, yet one that inexplicably also fails to include any ALL CAPS. How are we supposed to know which words are the most important here, guys? You can’t honestly be expecting us to read them all? We’re guessing ‘battle’ is the most important on the basis that it’s used twice, but that is no more than a guess.
Princes William and George are joined by the Duke and Duchess of Westminster to watch Aston Villa’s thrilling Champions League battle against PSG – but royal fans go home disappointed after tense battle
Credit of sorts, we guess, to the Daily Star who not only find no place on their football homepage for tiresome Royal boot-licking but no space to even acknowledge the fact a five-goal Champions League thriller took place at all.
In fairness, when you’ve got big exclusives like…
Glam footballer Madelene Wright called a ‘baddie’ as she embraces springtime ‘blossom’
…then something inevitably has to give.
Perfect 10
The Daily Star does find room on its football homepage for this story:
Mohamed Salah could miss 10 Liverpool fixtures after latest FIFA decision
It’s about AFCON. So straight away it’s worth noting that any decision that has been made here is about next season and affects other teams and other players as well. But yeah, fair enough, Salah is definitely the Premier League’s most high-profile AFCON star at this time. No great grumbles there.
Where’s this ’10 Liverpool fixtures’ business come from, though?
Because nowhere in the story does it say Salah could miss 10 Liverpool fixtures.
The closest it gets is this.
The 2025/26 Premier League season is scheduled to kick off on Saturday, August 16, with the last round of matches pencilled in for Sunday, May 24, 2026. It’s already been confirmed that there won’t be any Christmas Eve fixtures.
However, the rest of the fixture schedule remains under wraps, so it’s still unclear how many matches participating players will miss until the Premier League fixture release day on Wednesday, June 18.
But if we use this season’s schedule as a guide, AFCON would have clashed with eight Liverpool matches – six of which were Premier League games.
Just round that guess up a bit, yeah? Might as well.
Banning order
Flawless work from the Mirror’s insatiable click-hungry scamps, with the following mischief currently top of their ‘Most Read’ sidebar for very obvious reasons.
Headline:
Kylian Mbappe ban confirmed on eve of Arsenal clash after Real Madrid star’s sickening tackle
Standfirst:
Kylian Mbappe has been dealt a blow on the eve of Real Madrid’s Champions League second leg clash with Arsenal after being handed a suspension by La Liga chiefs
Intro:
Kylian Mbappe has been handed a one-match ban on the eve of Real Madrid’s huge clash with Arsenal. Los Blancos host the Gunners at the Bernabeu on Wednesday evening for the second leg of their Champions League quarter-final.
Fifth para:
Mbappe has now discovered his fate after the matter was refereed to the Spanish FA’s disciplinary committee. They have now delivered their ruling, in the build-up to Wednesday’s huge game.
And then, eventually, almost 200 words into a story when they can delay no longer having mentioned Arsenal a mere four times.
The Frenchman will be available for that fixture, but has been handed a one-match domestic ban. That will rule him out of the clash with Athletic Bilabo this coming weekend.
It’s genuine art. Notice how carefully they have constructed their artifice. Note how expertly nothing here is actually incorrect. They knew exactly what they were doing and how to do it. Well, right up to ‘Bilabo’ anyway.
Fired starter
This one’s more an observation than anything else, mainly because it’s tickled us and for what it tells us about how this daft industry works now.
This story has resurfaced on the Manchester Evening News football homepage, presumably through sheer weight of clicks.
Ruben Amorim fired ‘tinkerman’ warning after Man United’s latest disappointing defeat to Newcastle
The first thing to say is that obviously ‘Ruben Amorim fired’ is a jackpot headline opening even when it’s used here (although almost certainly knowingly) in an entirely different context.
The second thing to say is that this story is from December and what has now become Man United’s previous disappointing defeat to Newcastle.
Tough love
Still, at least that Amorim story is an actual four-month-old story that just happens to have been boosted by a serendipitously accurate headline for current events.
Unlike this absolute piece of sh*t from the Mirror.
Ange Postecoglou’s ‘tough’ decision to quit club and take up new challenge
That’s the headline on a brand spanking new story published this very morning in big 2025. So what’s this new challenge then?
Ange Postecoglou said that it was a ‘tough decision’ to leave Celtic to take the lead at Tottenham Hotspur, but the club’s current struggles appear harder to navigate.
You monsters.