Mediawatch: Divorce, straitjackets, character

The Daily Mail revel in a man’s divorce, Brendan Rodgers needs a straitjacket now, ‘characteritis’ is catching and Liverpool barely had a chance against Carlisle on Wednesday night. Oh wait, except for…

Oh, we’re doing this now are we? Lovely as ever, MailOnline.

Headline news
One suspects the Daily Express’ Richard Tanner might have a quiet word with the paper’s headline writers after they stitched him up a treat on Wednesday.

‘Wayne Rooney’s first domestic goal for nearly six months was over-shadowed by a touch of Brazilian magic from Andreas Pereira and another strike from Anthony Martial – his fourth goal in four games.’

There then follows three lengthy paragraphs about the excellent Pereira, describing him as the game’s best player ahead of ‘flat-track bully’ Rooney.

The headline for Tanner’s piece? ‘Wayne sends Ipswich home’, of course, alongside a picture of Rooney.

Sick as a parrot
‘In the first half Daryl Janmaat appeared to throw up on the touchline. It was not surprising given that a sickness has infected Newcastle’s play’ – Daily Mirror.

‘It was a performance which made even Newcastle’s stand-in skipper Daryl Janmaat ill – the Dutchman retching on the pitch’ – The Sun.

‘Even Newcastle’s players are sick of their current plight, quite literally, for skipper Daryl Janmaat vomited during what ranks as one of their worst and most gutless performances of the Premier League era’ – Daily Mail.

‘Newcastle full-back Daryl Janmaat was physically sick on the pitch at St James’ Park last night. But Steve McClaren’s entire squad required intensive care after being bundled out of the Capital One Cup by Championship side Sheffield Wednesday’ – Daily Star.

If Janmaat can’t be a good right-back, he’s at least got a good sideline career as the lead character in a metaphor.

One flew over
Thought we were a bit strong on Brendan Rodgers? Well think again, because The Sun’s Ken Lawrence goes several steps further.

‘His [Brendan Rodgers’] players are no longer showing anxiety, they are becoming basket cases and Anfield is turning into an asylum,’ writes Lawrence. So that’s what all the building is about.

‘And Rodgers, his job now hanging by a thread, might have to be led away in a straitjacket.’

He’ll probably just walk to his car and drive home.

Sports – definitely sports – headline of the day
‘Barcelona star Dani Alves’ girlfriend Joana Sanz wins L’Oreal Paris Best Model Award’ – MailOnline.

The story also contains a decent nomination for the most non-sequitur paragraphs Mediawatch has ever seen in one short news story.

‘Joana Sanz was crowned the best model at the L’Oreal Paris Awards on Monday ahead of the 2016 Spring/Summer edition.

‘Rules stipulate that in emergency cases such as injury, players can be replaced outside the normal transfer windows.’

Sports. Eventually.

Easier said (repeatedly) than done
Fear not Sunderland fans, for John O’Shea has the magic solution to the club’s improvement.

“We need to make sure we don’t make the mistakes if we want to help ourselves,” said O’Shea on Wednesday evening.

Mediawatch can’t help thinking we’ve heard this before. Ah yes:

“We made our own problems as a team against Norwich. There were too many errors” – Yann M’Vila, August 2015.

“We need to be better. When you look at the goals, you need to learn from that and make sure that it doesn’t happen again” – Younes Kaboul, August 2015.

‘Sunderland’s Dick Advocaat “worried” about defensive errors’ – Northern Echo, August 2015.

“We made a little mistake. we needed to go back to basics and do the right things at the back” – Gus Poyet, January 2015.

“We forgot to leave the mistakes in the dressing room. That’s what has put us in the situation where we are, really” – Poyet again, October 2014.

“We can talk all we want to about having to cut out the mistakes, but we have to. We’re not helping ourselves” – Wes Brown, April 2014.

If they all just believe hard enough, who knows…

Character building
The decline of Brendan Rodgers has brought a new game whereby Mediawatch tries to spot the most demeaning result to which Liverpool’s manager can attribute “character” to his players.

It was therefore with great disappointment that we saw assistant manager Gary McAllister doing the post-match press conference following the penalties victory over League Two Carlisle United. We were wrong to be dismayed.

“Like everybody, we’re delighted to be through to the next round,” McAllister began. “We’ve shown a bit of character. Maybe this is just one of these things which can pull us together.”

Characteritis – the infection is catching.

Chance would be a fine thing
From the BBC Sport’s rolling sports news on Wednesday evening:

21:33: Not a sniff of a chance for Liverpool. Extraordinary.

Mediawatch was less than impressed by Liverpool against Carlisle, but they did have 47 shots. Many of them might have been wasteful efforts from long range, but we think they constitute more than a ‘sniff’. A full-blown sneeze, if you will.

Carlo can you go? Can you go down low?
‘Carlo Ancelotti: Liverpool has always been a club that excites me, nobody sings an anthem like them,’ reads the headline on MailOnline, which made Mediawatch double take a minute. Ancelotti praising the club at this time would make things even more uneasy for Brendan Rodgers.

“I’ve followed Liverpool since 1984 after facing them with Roma in the European Cup final, when we lost on penalties,” Ancelotti is quoted in the article. “It’s always been a club that excites me. The “You’ll Never Walk Alone” they sing is incredible. Nobody sings an anthem like Liverpool fans. Tomorrow, before the game, I’m going to go out onto the pitch early because I want to hear them sing it.”

Yes that’s right, tomorrow. The quotes are taken from October last year. As you were, everyone.

Emotional musical chairs
“More than being angry, I’m disappointed” – Juventus coach Max Allegri.

“I’ve been in football too long to be embarrassed. I’m angry and disappointed,” Steve McClaren.

“It is disappointing and frustrating” – Brendan Rodgers.

Can we please find someone who is angry, disappointed, frustrated and embarrassed?

Slightly misleading headline of the day
‘Angry McClaren wants fight’ – Skysports.com. Somebody think of the horses.

Headline of the day
‘Owls of fury’ – Daily Mirror. Bloody excellent.

Worst headline of the day
‘Flamin’ brilliant’ and ‘Spurs shot down in Flams’ – The Sun and Daily Mirror fail the ‘fine until you have to read it out’ test.

Non-football story of the day
‘Police in Cambridge say a cow on Midsummer Common “appeared to moo in disgust” after a man urinated in front of officers in the city park.

‘Officers in the city were describing on Twitter how a man was arrested on suspicion of drunk and disorderly conduct on the common last night. Police were “checking on the welfare” of the man when the bizarre incident unfolded.

‘Officers tweeted: “Male was arrested this evening on Midsummer Common for bring D&D (drunk and disorderly) after urinating in front of Officers checking on his welfare.”

‘A second tweet added: “His behaviour didn’t go down well with a resident cow of the Common who appeared to ‘moo’ in disgust as he was taken away.”

‘A 38-year-old man from Cambridge was arrested on suspicion of being drunk and disorderly in Midsummer Common on September 22. He was taken to Parkside police station and remains in custody’ – Cambridge-News.co.uk

Thanks to today’s Mediawatch spotters Robert Hallums and Pelumi Akinyeye. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at theeditor@football365.com, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.