Tuchel ‘tears apart’ Southgate before ‘brutal’ cull of England trio as no-one is safe
Thomas Tuchel has not even managed England yet despite leaving a wake of bodies behind in his ‘brutal’ critiques. Won’t someone think of Jarell Quansah?
The chosen Nwan
‘Model pupil Ethan Nwaneri handed in HOMEWORK on morning after Arsenal debut and scored 98 per cent on maths test’ – The Sun website.
He was about 15-and-a-half and midway through his GCSEs at the time; would you rather he sack off his HOMEWORK, ditch the concept of education entirely and place all his eggs in the basket of becoming an elite professional footballer with nothing to fall back on, just because he played a couple of stoppage-time minutes in a routine 3-0 win over Brentford? It feels thoroughly inadvisable.
A right Tuch
Beyond ’15-year-old did homework’, the story on Friday is England, England, England, and specifically those Thomas Tuchel quotes everyone has seen and nodded along to while shaking uncontrollably in the corner thinking about that Kyle Walker throw-in during the Euro 2024 final.
You know the clip – where Tuchel basically lays out a long list of things England were lacking throughout the tournament and says they were more fearful of losing than excited to win.
It is described in various different ways by the back pages: a ‘slam’ (Daily Mail), a ‘swipe’ (The Times) and a ‘broadside’ (The I) to name but a few. But it is a mystery how the German’s words can be interpreted in such wildly different ways as this:
‘Thomas Tuchel tears apart Gareth Southgate in brutal assessment of England failures’ – Daily Express website.
‘England boss Thomas Tuchel aims subtle Gareth Southgate dig and points out where he failed’ – Daily Mirror website.
Can you subtly tear someone apart? Is it possible for something to be both a ‘dig’ and a ‘brutal assessment’? Is the wait for some actual football nearly over?
Omission impossible
The brutality of the new England manager does not end there because…
‘RUTHLESS TUCH! Tuchel leaves three England players out of first squad as Forest star Gibbs-White misses the cut for first match of new Three Lions era’ – Daily Mirror website.
‘Thomas Tuchel brutally axes THREE England players on day of first World Cup qualifier including Cole Palmer replacement’ – The Sun website.
‘Thomas Tuchel leaves three England players out of squad to face Albania in brutal call’ – Daily Express website.
A couple of things:
1) Not sure it’s particularly ‘brutal’ to adhere to competition rules in naming a 23-man squad for a World Cup qualifier.
2) It’s definitely not ‘brutal’ in the slightest to omit a late call-up for an injured player in Morgan Gibbs-White, the entirely uncapped Jarell Quansah and fourth-choice keeper Aaron Ramsdale, who is currently propping up possibly the worst team in Premier League history.
Who will Tuchel take aim at next in this cold-blooded rampage? Albania must be bricking it.
The passion of the Chris
Perhaps Chris Sutton could be in the firing line as he offers a contrary view on that Southgate criticism for the Daily Mail:
‘I think it’s unnecessary and unfair,’ he says.
‘When Tuchel says that England team at Euro 2024 was missing an identity, I don’t think that’s fair on Gareth. He always had a balanced approach that maybe didn’t always thrill the masses but we know the way he wanted England to play and we know the issues he had in various positions even if it was often horses for courses against certain teams.’
Sounds a bit like they didn’t have an identity, especially during Euro 2024 which Tuchel was specifically asked about.
‘While the first half of what Tuchel said is a clear criticism of Gareth, to go on to say he watched a team that was more afraid to get knocked out of the tournament than have the hunger to go on and win it… that’s on the players. That’s questioning their character.’
He was doing both – pointing out that both the manager and the players were ultimately lacking.
‘If you’re going to say that, name names.’
He didn’t have to; the criticism was clearly of the team as a whole rather than just one or two individuals.
It was funny to see Harry Kane basically just agree with Tuchel during the pre-Albania press conference by saying “maybe we didn’t play as freely as we had done in the past and what we could have done,” adding: “I would say we were a little bit light on leadership in the summer.”
As one of those players Tuchel felt needed to play with “a hunger and a joy to win and not with the fear to lose”, that seems quite instructive.
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The passion of the Crist
This is diabolical headline work from the Daily Mirror website and fair play to them for scraping the bottom of the barrel before excavating further.
‘Ronaldo sends clear warning as Hojlund copies iconic celebration’
That leaves absolutely no doubt, no grey area as to what has happened: Cristiano Ronaldo has sent a clear warning to Rasmus Hojlund after he copied his iconic celebration.
Oli Gamp thankfully provides an explanation for the innocent souls who did not know that ‘the celebration usually sees Ronaldo spring to a corner of a stadium before leaping up and lifting his arms in the air before bringing them back down to his sides.’ That word count won’t pad itself.
But the crux of the story cannot be delayed forever. What was this ‘clear warning’ from Ronaldo?
‘But Ronaldo appeared unmoved by Hojlund’s antics on social media…’
Well that doesn’t bode well. And the continuing struggle the online football media is experiencing with the term ‘antics’ is delightful, especially considering Hojlund said it was a tribute to his “idol” after the game, if indeed there was any doubt beforehand.
‘…as he sent a post warning Denmark that Portugal were eager to make things right in the second leg. He said: “We have 90 minutes to turn around,” he said on Instagram in Portuguese. In a warning to Denmark’s players, he added: “Roll on Portugal!”‘
It sounds rather more like a rallying cry to Portugal than a ‘warning’ to Denmark, but that simply won’t do if you want to pretend Ronaldo has subtly torn apart Hojlund.
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