Liverpool handed definitely real Alonso and Neves boosts as players ‘break Jurgen Klopp rule’

Some absolutely sensational work from the Mirror today, whose commitment to absolute sh*thouse headlines soars to ever greater heights, while Liverpool’s Carabao winners can apparently now ‘break Jurgen Klopp Anfield rule’ by…following it to the letter. Mediawatch’s head hurts.

Chief reporter
As ever, grudging respect abounds for the Mirror and its ongoing quest to perfect the ‘technically not a lie, we just have no shame or any respect for our readers’ genre of headline.

Xabi Alonso has already turned down Bayern Munich chief ahead of huge summer decision

You simply cannot argue with the fact that three years ago when ‘Bayern Munich chief’ Max Eberl was at Borussia Monchengladbach, Xabi Alonso turned down the manager’s job and that is a thing that happened at a point in time that exists ‘ahead of’ this summer.

That alternative possible readings of that headline – ones that possess a single shred of relevance to the current situation, say – exist is obviously entirely accidental and coincidental.

Summer daze
This one might be even better, though.

Ruben Neves puts Liverpool on red alert by emphatically supporting summer transfer

Some serious unpicking required here.

First and most obviously – this is a Mirror headline in Mediawatch after all – the ‘summer transfer’ Ruben Neves is ’emphatically supporting’ is not any potential transfer of his own, to Liverpool or elsewhere.

Now we could all see that coming. Entry-level Mirror headline bait-and-switch stuff, that.

But it’s even better than that.

Former Wolves midfielder Ruben Neves has lauded Alan Varela amid transfer interest in the FC Porto star from Liverpool.

Now we’re starting to get there. Now we know this is about Alan Varela – a fine player, a genuine Premier League target, but significantly less click-worthy than Ruben Neves. Fine.

But that’s still not it. Because at this point you might naively still be inclined to think Neves is talking about and supporting – emphatically no less – a potential upcoming summer transfer of Varela to Liverpool.

Oh, my sweet summer child.

Here’s the key line from Neves himself.

‘He [Varela] is an excellent player. It was an excellent signing for Porto, perhaps the team’s most regular reinforcement in terms of time and quality of play,’ Neves told O Jogo via Sport Witness.

So the ‘summer transfer’ Neves is ‘emphatically supporting’ is… Varela’s move to Porto. Last summer. At this point, we’re damn near standing and applauding the sheer brass balls of it.

As for how many times Neves mentions Liverpool in his glowing appraisal of Varela, well, we suspect you already know the answer to that one.

Settled down
Another Mirror headline that’s tickled us concerns Jim Ratcliffe, Manchester United and the manager situation. Last one, we promise. This one’s different anyway.

All the tabloids have got a little bit excited about some Foot Mercato tish and fipsy about United wanting Zinedine Zidane as manager, because of course they have, but we do enjoy the Mirror’s take on Ratcliffe’s apparent fondness for a manager who has quite famously only ever accepted the manager’s role at one club and that one club was Real Actual Madrid.

Sir Jim Ratcliffe settles on Erik ten Hag’s Man Utd replacement as sack call looms

Settled, has he? On ZINEDINE ZIDANE? Mediawatch understands billionaires are generally used to getting exactly what they want when they want it, but we’re still pretty sure Zizou has some say in this, lads.

Still, at least the Mirror didn’t put ZINE LIVES in their headline like The Sun. ZINE LIVES? We must assume it’s a reference to ‘nine lives’, but what does that actually mean in this context? What’s the wordplay here beyond pretending the first bit of Zinedine Zidane’s name rhymes with nine?

It’s a pun both so weak and so tenuous it’s brought on a migraine. We could just about forgive the significant pronunciation issue if there was literally anything else going for it.

We don’t expect much from The Sun, but we do expect coherent and even occasionally genuinely impressive wordplay. ZINE LIVES. FFS.

Cryptic cross words
Mediawatch very much enjoyed the statement from Reading fans’ group Sell Before We Dai after the club’s latest points deduction, and the hidden message contained within the first letters of each line in paragraphs four, five and six.

Response to latest #EFL punishment against #ReadingFC.

Yes, we are being sarcastic. pic.twitter.com/Yywh2Q9Hib

— Sell Before We Dai (@SellBeforeWeDai) February 27, 2024

Genuinely good stuff, and a rare example of tabloids being able to reasonably legitimately use the word ‘cryptic’ in their headlines, rather than its usual meaning ‘someone’s said something that if you squint and twist and take everything out of context could just about be said to mean what we want it to mean’. Indeed, the standard headline use of the word cryptic is itself cryptic.

But not this time. And yet, the Daily Star still manage to spoil it.

The headline is fine

Reading supporters’ explosive cryptic message to EFL after they’re docked more points

Yep. ‘Fuck the EFL’ is definitely explosive, and while you could argue if the strict literal definition of ‘cryptic’ applies to this acrostic mischief, it feels fair enough.

But then comes this.

Reading fans have made their feelings clear to the EFL after the club was hit with another points deduction

Make your minds up, yeah? Did they send a cryptic message or did they make their feelings clear?

Breaking bad
It might be the lingering effects of that ZINE LIVES-induced migraine, but this one has made Mediawatch unfeasibly grumpy and enraged.

We’re about to get unnecessarily cross about something that doesn’t really matter – we know, wildly off-brand – but at our heart is the very firm belief that words have meanings and that on some level this is quite an important principle to defend and maintain.

Look at this Daily Express headline, okay?

Liverpool stars can now break Jurgen Klopp Anfield rule after Carabao Cup victory

NO, DAILY EXPRESS. NO THEY CANNOT ‘BREAK JURGEN KLOPP ANFIELD RULE’. Sorry to shout, but F*CK.

The rule is really simple. In 2016, Jurgen Klopp introduced the idea that no Liverpool player could touch the famous ‘THIS IS ANFIELD’ sign until they had won something with the club. We don’t know how seriously this rule is imposed, but he’s talked about it a few times. Whatever; simple rule, isn’t it? Easy to follow, easy to understand. No touching the sign… until you’ve won something. But that last bit is very, very important. It is really the entire essence of the rule.

On Sunday, a large number of Liverpool players – summer signings, Cody Gakpo, impossibly young odds-defying children – all won their first Liverpool silverware. So now they can touch the sign.

Fine.

EXCEPT THAT ISN’T BREAKING THE RULE IS IT? THAT IS LITERALLY CONFORMING PRECISELY AND ENTIRELY TO THE RULE.

Worse still, we suspect this actually had an even worse headline when it was first published, an echo of which still lives forever inside the URL, containing as it does the following…

liverpool-players-now-allowed-touch-anfield-sign-after-jurgen-klopp-u-turn

Love it when ‘u-turn’ means ‘adhering entirely and consistently to the rule introduced eight years ago’.