Magical, soul-lifting, impressive Newcastle finish, er, bottom of their Champions League group
There’s gushing praise for Newcastle’s magical march to bottom spot in their Champions League group, while all sorts of nonsense is already turning up about Graham Potter and we get very cross about a Champions League draw that isn’t real.
Eurotrash
Newcastle lost at home to Milan in the Champions League last night, a third defeat in their last four group games ensuring they finished bottom of the table and crashed out of Europe altogether after managing just one win. Worth remembering those things when reading Craig Hope’s hagiography in the Daily Mail today.
Twenty-four hours after Old Trafford dozed towards its latest nightmare, here was an occasion to liven the soul. It was not the outcome they wanted, but St James’ Park threatened for so long to be the real Theatre of Dreams.
They lost 2-1 at home and finished bottom of the group.
Here was a red-hot night beneath the lights. Eddie Howe called on supporters to make it a ‘magical occasion’. And right from the off it was clear that those in the stands had swapped their pint glasses for wands. This was a scarf-waving, throat-stripping assault on the senses.
They lost 2-1 at home and finished bottom of the group.
While the crowd at Old Trafford had wearily accepted their fate before a ball had been kicked, the Toon Army would be going down kicking and screaming even if events did conspire against them. But, for 59 minutes, everything went their way. Joelinton blasted a picture-book goal and the performance was perfect. Tired? This was all energy, from players and supporters.
They lost 2-1 at home and finished bottom of the group.
We do enjoy how each of these paragraphs praising Newcastle’s brave, heroic bottom-of-the-table efforts has to bury the reality somewhere in the middle. ‘It was not the outcome they wanted’, ‘even if events did conspire against them’.
Eddie Howe’s side have impressed in Europe this season, but they will ultimately finish bottom of their group and will not qualify for the Europa League
What’s that old saying about ignoring everything before the ‘but’?
Newcastle were undeniably less bad than Manchester United and in a far tougher group. The comparison between their full-blooded, careening exit and United’s meek and lifeless one against Bayern Munich 24 hours earlier is both obvious and valid. But it’s also a very low bar; let’s not pretend this European campaign is anything other than a disaster. No other English team with Newcastle’s resources would get this kind of press for finishing bottom of their Champions League group. But Newcastle? So brave, so magical. The Saudis really did know exactly what they were doing with this one, didn’t they?
Pott the Red
Graham Potter is the latest name linked with the Manchester United manager’s job, should it become available. And that means The Sun have gone to work and put together the traditional ‘How Manchester United Could Line-up Under New Manager X’ feature. We’ll never not include these, and this is a particularly wild one.
It’s going to be a frantic January at Old Trafford apparently, because how United ‘could line up under Graham Potter’ is with Pervis Estupinan at left-back, Julio Enciso and Youssouf Fofana in midfield, Jean Clair Todibo at centre-back, Noni Madueke on the right wing and, most ludicrously of all, Rasmus Hojlund still clinging to his place up front.
Mediawatch must concede that this wildly unlikely football team is nevertheless, technically, how Manchester United could eventually line up under Graham Potter, but our already-raised eyebrow scaled Ancelotti heights at the following section.
A move to a Champions League side seems inevitable for the 25-year-old and perhaps reuniting with his old manager would be the way to do it.
You may want to sit down, guys; we have some very bad news about Tuesday night.
Keane Observer
On the subject of Potter, the Manchester Evening News bring us an alarmingly swift update on this fast-moving story from Roy Keane, seemingly giving his blessing to the current frontrunner.
Manchester United legend Roy Keane has already expressed his admiration for Graham Potter amid speculation surrounding the former Chelsea boss potentially replacing Erik ten Hag.
Fair enough, he’s a high-profile figure and a bona fide United legend. His feelings on Potter are definitely worthwhile. That ‘already’ makes us a bit wary, but the ‘amid’ is very reassuring, isn’t it? That means these definitely aren’t old quotes and are definitely about the current news. The dictionary definition of ‘amid’ is ‘surrounded by or in the middle of’ and there certainly weren’t Graham Potter Man United manager claims, say, back in October last year. Just plucking a month at random there.
Right then, MEN. What have you got for us.
Back in October last year, Keane was asked to name his top three coaches in the Premier League.
Oh, for fu…
Pep Guardiola and Thomas Frank were his first picks before adding Potter to the list after just a month at Stamford Bridge.
Yes, a month at Stamford Bridge in which he’d overseen a run of five wins in his first six games on the back of all his impressive work at Brighton. It’s possible that Keane still rates Potter as highly now as he did then, but it does feel like the subsequent total collapse of his Chelsea reign with 11 defeats in his last 22 games before being sacked six months after Keane’s praise might possibly have changed things. A bit.
Draw Comfort
Mediawatch has tried and tried but we will never, ever understand the tabloid fascination with simulated draws or rehearsals of draws or any other variation on the theme of breathlessly reporting what is quite literally fake news.
We fully understand the merits of stories with details of which teams are in which pots, or lists of potential opponents for an upcoming draw and all that kind of actual relevant detail. But simulating a draw and then treating the outcome like actual news – perhaps even complete with a graphic headlined ‘CHAMPIONS LEAGUE DRAW’ that lists the fixtures and only in the caption underneath gets round to mentioning the trivial fact that it is not in fact the actual Champions League draw because that hasn’t happened yet – strikes us as utterly crazed behaviour.
The Sun, for it is they, have got way too overexcited about their simulated Champions League last-16 draw.
Champions League last-16 draw simulated with Arsenal landing worst case scenario but it’s good news for Man City
No! it’s not a worst-case scenario for Arsenal! It’s not good news for Man City! Because it’s not real! It’s irrelevant news! It’s not even news!
After running the teams through a simulator, we can reveal who they have come up against.
No you can’t! You’re not revealing anything! This isn’t real! We feel like we’re taking crazy pills.
Arsenal – who are in the last-16 for the first time since the 2016/17 season – have drawn a horror tie against French giants PSG.
Meanwhile, reigning champions Man City have been handed a far easier tie against PSV, who finished second in Arsenal’s group.
Horror! Fictitious, irrelevant, meaningless horror! Also, PSV looked a far better team than PSG during this group stage. But even saying that makes us feel silly because it’s giving this utter nonsense more thought than it merits. CITY HAVE NOT BEEN HANDED ANYTHING, EASIER OR OTHERWISE, BECAUSE THE DRAW HASN’T HAPPENED, LADS.
There are some tasty ties elsewhere though…
BUT THEY’RE NOT REAL
…with Bayern Munich facing off against Napoli.
Jude Bellingham’s Real Madrid have been drawn against Lazio, while fellow Spanish side Real Sociedad are up against RB Leipzig.
BAYERN MUNICH AREN’T FACING OFF AGAINST ANYONE. REAL MADRID HAVEN’T BEEN DRAWN AGAINST ANYONE.
Another Spanish team who finished top of their group, Atletico Madrid, will face a tricky tie against Porto.
Two sides who helped dump Newcastle and Man Utd out of the Champions League will be facing off when Borussia Dortmund take on Copenhagen.
The fourth Spanish side to top their group, Barcelona, will take on Inter Milan.
The seeded teams will play away from home on the 13/14/20/21 February, while they will then host the second legs from 5/6/12/13 March.
YOU’VE STOPPED EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING THIS ISN’T REAL. ‘Will be facing off’? ‘Will take on’? NO THEY WON’T, YOU’VE MADE IT UP!
Sorry for shouting.
Emerge From Nothing
We do love modern headlines and the games you get to play before actually clicking on the bastards. Guess the actual story and how scampishly misleading the headline actually is.
This one from the Mirror isn’t the worst, but we’ve grown partial to ‘sack stance emerges’ in recent months. It always, of course, means ‘don’t sack him imo’ because if a player’s public ‘sack stance’ was in fact ‘sack the useless prick’ then you can be pretty sure it would be in the headline.
Jonny Evans tells Man Utd exactly what to do with Erik ten Hag as sack stance emerges
What we really like here is the ‘tells Man Utd exactly what to do with Erik ten Hag’. There’s a shove-it-up-your-arse aggression to it that is definitely deliberate and doesn’t really reflect either Evans as a person or his (predictably and understandably) boilerplate backing of his beleaguered boss.
‘He is a fantastic coach and I have no doubts about him.’
It’s not really a ‘sack stance’ is it? It’s a ‘fantastic coach stance’. And he’s not really telling anyone to do anything. Certainly not ‘exactly what to do’.