Man Utd implode as ‘incandescent’ Onana becomes first keeper to ever shout at teammate

Editor F365
Man Utd goalkeeper Andre Onana
New Man Utd goalkeeper Andre Onana.

Andre Onana has already created history at Man Utd, becoming the first goalkeeper to ever shout at a teammate for forcing them to make a save.


Maguire or lower
Andre Onana ever so briefly shouted at Harry Maguire during a pre-season friendly defeat for Man Utd against Borussia Dortmund in the early hours of Monday morning. You might think that is not a particularly newsworthy development. You would apparently be wrong. Silly you.

‘MANCHESTER UNITED LOST their heads and another game on their US Tour in heated scenes in the desert,’ writes Neil Custis, who says Onana ‘turned on’ Maguire after a mistake.

Ooh, matron.

‘FIGHT CLUB!’ screams the Daily Mirror website, in a sensationalist headline to an actually perfectly reasonable David McDonnell piece.

Elsewhere in the same outlet, Thomas Bristow explains how Onana ‘lost his rag’ after the Maguire error and ‘was so incandescent with rage’ that ‘he sprinted a good seven yards to give him a piece of his mind’.

READ MORE‘It’s unforgivable’ – Angry Ten Hag blasts Man Utd display in 3-2 loss to Dortmund

Wow. He must have been furious. Mediawatch usually only sprints a good six yards when at its most rageful.

Over to the MailOnline now for this opening paragraph:

New Manchester United keeper Andre Onana FUMES at Harry Maguire for giving the ball away as Erik ten Hag’s side put in an error-strewn display in Las Vegas defeat by Borussia Dortmund

Wait, no. Sorry. That’s a headline. A headline to their leading story. That being: footballer is momentarily angry with teammate. More as we get it.

The tweet is no better:

‘Spotted’?! There were over 50,000 fans in attendance and the moment was broadcast globally to plenty more. It hardly needed a sharp, observant eye to notice did it?

The Daily Star website go for the old trick of dressing Twitter reaction up quotes from one of the individuals involved (‘Andre Onana is ‘already fed up’ of Harry Maguire as he scolds Man Utd team-mate), while the Daily Express website use online football content’s new favourite word in claiming Onana ‘brutally’ laid into the centre-half. Again, both are headlines.

But hey, it’s standard tabloid behaviour and no-one should expect any different.

Yet here come BBC Sport steaming in with a headline of ‘Andre Onana rants at Harry Maguire during Las Vegas defeat’ to Simon Stone’s match report.

And James Ducker of the Daily Telegraph gives first-paragraph prominence to the moment Onana ‘aggressively confronted’ Maguire as Man Utd ‘lost their heads in the searing Nevada heat’, with the keeper again in the headline.

‘Andre Onana loses temper with Harry Maguire in Man United defeat,’ is the offering from The Times.

And there you have it: something Mediawatch is willing to wager happens at least once in literally every game of football ever played – a goalkeeper shouting at a defender for failing to protect them – is headline news pretty much everywhere. Because Man Utd. Because new signing. Because Harry Maguire. Because there is no Premier League football that actually matters for another sodding fortnight.

Oh well, at least reporting on Everton is going to be easy this coming season. Sit back, wait for the ‘incandescent rage’ Jordan Pickford shows at any defender who forces him to make any save ever, get it in the headline and first paragraph and send it across. That’s how it works now, right? It surely isn’t just for Onana and Maguire…


I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo
In the world of absolutely dreadful headline styles, The Sun website has stumbled upon a brilliant new formula.

These are a few examples on their homepage as of Monday morning:

I’m Lionesses legend who scored at Women’s World Cup… now I’m a CBeebies host

I scored England’s first ever Women’s World Cup goal now I work in a warehouse

I’m 26 and cost £126m in fees, Arsenal wanted me but now I’m in Saudi Arabia

I lived in a monastery with monks earning just £17 a week before joining Prem

I’m a World Cup icon with £65m earnings but I’ve been axed from four clubs

I’m football club owner & Netflix star who set up newspaper… now I want promotion

I’m a Prem icon and earned 100 caps… now I’m a rice & noodle baron worth £20m

I married a Love Island star, now I’m balancing pro footy with my own TV series

It is clever in a way, presenting the most basic of Wikipedia rehash features as some sort of actual interview. It is also absolutely dreadful, bottom-of-the-barrel stuff. But two stand out above the rest:

I’m an England star who spent nine years at Arsenal and earned £13million… now I’m unemployed at 25

I’m Champions League winner who made £50m and is engaged to Little Mix pop superstar – but now I’m unemployed at 29

Mediawatch is willing to bet that both Ainsley Maitland-Niles and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain prefer being called free agents rather than ‘unemployed’.


Kyl switch
‘Jurgen Klopp’s phone call with Kylian Mbappe’s dad as fresh transfer pursuit launched’ is peak misleading nonsense from the Daily Mirror website and they absolutely know it.

Reading that headline, you’d reasonably assume that Jurgen Klopp has phoned Kylian Mbappe’s dad after a fresh transfer pursuit has been launched. Mainly because that’s precisely what it says. But nope. Silly mistake, that.

‘Jurgen Klopp called Kylian Mbappe’s dad in an effort to push through a move to Liverpool,’ is Daniel Orme’s first paragraph, but it is not until the fourth when he realises his error: this crucial ‘phone call’ actually came – according to reports in France at least – in April 2020.

Combine that with speculation that Liverpool have made a loan move for Mbappe in July 2023 and voila, you have two completely unconnected stories turned into one, some clicks and no shame whatsoever.


Trophy strife
‘Pochettino gets his first Blues trophy as Thiago Silva and red-hot Christopher Nkunku strike in USA’ – The Sun website.

‘Mauricio Pochettino claims his first piece of silverware as Blues boss with goals from Thiago Silva and Christopher Nkunku sealing Premier League Summer Series in the US’ – MailOnline.

‘Mauricio Pochettino lands first Chelsea honour with Premier League Summer Series title win’ – Football.London.

Nope. Absolutely not.