Newcastle triumph ‘not’ down to owners; Isak and Guimaraes would have moved to ‘party city’ under Mike Ashley
If you didn’t instantly whip your top off when Newcastle won the Carabao then you just don’t get it. And this was absolutely ‘not’ a triumph for the owners.
Howe low can you go?
Newcastle won the Carabao Cup on Sunday. You might have heard; they don’t do quiet. But they are also increasingly incapable of doing nuance, insisting that each and every situation is as black and white as their shirts.
Which is how we get professional Daily Telegraph lickspittle Luke Edwards fansplaining why everyone should be absolutely thrilled about their success at Wembley, and that those who aren’t thrilled ‘just don’t get it’.
‘Newcastle celebrations are not over the top – this is why it means so much’
Has…has anyone said that Newcastle’s celebrations were ‘over the top’? Has anyone accused them of celebrating like they’ve just won the FA Cup? And would it really matter if they did? It’s a bit chronically online to feel any need to defend being happy about winning something.
Maybe Edwards has been stitched up by the headline writers. Having come this far, it’s probably worth reading his thoughts on the latest outcome of this ‘toxic’ rivalry with Liverpool.
‘If you do not understand what winning the Carabao Cup final means to Newcastle United, if you cannot appreciate what this moment has unleashed in a football obsessed city, maybe this is not the game for you.’
Mediawatch reckons there might be a middle ground: that people ‘understand’ precisely what winning any trophy means to Newcastle supporters – and indeed any fanbase – and are happy for them, but they also ‘appreciate’ the sportswashing asterisk that comes with it and wish not to simply move straight past.
Maybe client journalism is not the game for you if that is a difficult concept to comprehend.
The problem is that at no stage does Edwards make any effort to explain this supposed lack of wider ‘understanding’ or ‘appreciation’, why there might not be completely unequivocal endorsement of Newcastle’s triumph. It’s like a couple of paragraphs have been removed from the start and the straw man has already been constructed when the article begins.
He mentions Saudi Arabia once and only briefly muddies himself by discussing ‘sportswashing’ – although this is a phenomenal paragraph:
‘You can talk about sports washing if you like, but there was not a single Newcastle United supporter giving it a second’s thought last night or this morning. This was about them and their city. This was their moment.’
Yes. That’s…that’s the point. That’s sportswashing. That is an excellent and succinct example of sportswashing. This is genuinely impressive growth from someone who has tried to ignore it for four years. But that is the idea behind sportswashing.
No-one is arguing that this wasn’t a ‘moment’ for Newcastle supporters but it is entirely and uncomfortably entwined with it being a ‘moment’ for a regime which abuses basic human rights too. It’s shit but that’s football in 2025 and if that is a problem, maybe this is not the game for you.
‘Newcastle United have always been a massive club, one of the biggest in England, but they never won anything,’ Edwards continues.
‘They always failed in the end. That has changed. Eddie Howe and his players have changed that.
‘Not Saudi Arabia, not the Kingdom’s Public Investment Fund that bought the club in 2021, not chairman Yasir Al-Rumayyan, who waved the Carabao Cup trophy around at Wembley, basking in its reflective glory.’
Sorry but that’s just not how it works. ‘You can’t say Eddie Howe and his players have changed that’ but ‘not Saudi Arabia, not the Kingdom’s Public Investment Fund that bought the club in 2021,’ appointed that manager and signed eight of the players who started the final, including both scorers. They can’t just be separated from any victory and ignored and that is the point.
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Mike Ashley’s Newcastle would never have been able to sign Bruno Guimaraes while occupying a place in the relegation zone in January 2022. They would never have broken their transfer record to bring in Alexander Isak that August. They would never have been able to afford these wages.
In no way can you pretend that ‘Howe and his players have changed’ how Newcastle ‘always failed’, but Saudi Arabia and the Kingdom’s Public Investment Fund have not. That, again, is the problem.
Perhaps Edwards reckons Guimaraes and Isak would always have been unable to resist the ‘party city’ which is ‘not quite like any other in Britain. It is an emotional city, a proud city and one that knows how to have a good time.’
That does sound a little bit like a great many other cities in Britain but go on.
‘To never take itself too seriously, that understands the ‘work hard, play hard’ mantra as well as anyone.’
And nothing says ‘we don’t take ourselves too seriously’ than someone writing almost 1,300 words trying to explain how people should be taking this all far more seriously.
Edwards, the sport’s apparent gatekeeper, suspects ‘proper football fans are happy for them’ because Newcastle supporters ‘have stuck with the club through the good times and the bad’ and ‘watched them play against a backdrop of social upheaval’, which again does seem remarkably similar to most fanbases but sure, this is different. You are the specialest and the bestest forever and ever.
‘They wrapped a dark humour around themselves like a comfort blanket, shielding them from the mocking jibes of rivals up and down the country. And still they came in their tens of thousands, a fortnightly pilgrimage to St James’ Park.’
They still came to watch Newcastle even when Sunderland fans were a bit nasty about them. Sorry Liverpool but this simply means more.
Most horrifying paragraph of the day
‘Cars driving past, honking their horns, people screaming out of windows. This is what it meant. Seventy years of waiting decompressing like a can of fizzy pop smashed on the floor, spraying its contents out like a joyous fountain of release’ – Luke Edwards, Daily Telegraph.
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