Mediawatch: Savage, Bullard, Owen and…

Date published: Thursday 1st October 2015 11:59

Robbie Savage reveals plenty (too much) about his personal life, Liverpool missed a trick not signing Neymar from Barcelona and Michael Owen is struggling to make his mind up on Anthony Martial…


‘Cool man in gilet and jacket’

We cannot thank Robbie Savage enough for this insight into how he spends his personal time. We won’t ask why you’re on private browsing, mind.


Load of absolute Bull
If you hadn’t noticed, Liverpool are struggling somewhat so far this season. In fact, they’ve been on a downward spiral since Luis Suarez left for Barcelona in 2014. Never fear though, as Jimmy Bullard has found the solution.

“They haven’t bought enough. They bought ok, but Roberto Firmino has not produced,” Bullard begins, speaking to the Daily Express. “They got rid of top quality and they haven’t got that back. With the likes of Suarez going and not getting world quality, for me as a fan I want to see a world-class striker join.”

Which ‘world-class striker’ would you have approached then, Jimmy?

“I wanted to see a Neymar or someone to replace Suarez. They took a risk with signing Danny Ings from Burnley.”

Where do we start with that?

a) How do you propose Liverpool would tempt one of the best players in the world to leave one of the best clubs in the world for one that has reached the Champions League once in six years?
b) Liverpool signed Danny Ings a full year after Suarez’s departure. He was in no way a replacement for the Uruguayan.

The Express dub this as an ‘EXCLUSIVE’ – probably to ascertain a tasty URL featuring ‘Exclusive-Liverpool-Neymar-Luis-Suarez-transfers’.


Even more Bull
Jimmy ‘Banter’ Bullard is not done there, however. In yet another ‘EXCLUSIVE’, the former midfielder and current lad banter merchant has some advice for the injured Luke Shaw via the Daily Express.

“He’ll be fine, it’s different with bone rather than ligament injuries. They won’t rush him back United as they will want to restore his confidence. The tackling part of training will come right at the end. He needs to get in the right frame, but he knows he will come back. My advice would be don’t rush it; take your time and come back properly and do your rehab. He will come back fitter than ever.”So, to conclude

  • Manchester United won’t rush back a man who has just fractured his leg in two places.
  • Shaw will need to get in the right frame (of mind, we presume) to return
  • The England international should ‘take his time and come back properly’

There’s a reason this is an ‘EXCLUSIVE’; no-one else wants it.


Five more headlines from far more successful websites
‘Liverpool target Jurgen Klopp shocks board by turning down top job’ – The Metro. It’s not ‘according to reports’ when the secretary general of the Mexican Football Federation has told everyone.

‘Hazard talks Chelsea exit’ – Daily Star. Thorgan. Shameless.

‘Done Deal: Chelsea confirm move for midfield star in bid to turn season around’ – Phenomenal from the Daily Star. Blues midfielder John Swift, 20, has joined Brentford on loan.

‘Brendan Rodgers fires direct warning at Roy Hodgson over England call-up’ – Daily Express. Actual quote from Brendan Rodgers: “I haven’t spoken with the FA. I wouldn’t have any concern about him being selected.”

‘Romelu Lukaku set for Everton exit after dropping huge Manchester United hint’ – Daily Express. Quotes from Lukaku when asked who his ideal team-mate is: “Wayne Rooney. He really is a good footballer. He’s good in the air and knows where the goal is.” He’s now ‘set for Everton exit’. We’re speechless.


Headline act
Headline on The Sun‘s backpage on Wednesday – ‘EUROTRASH’
Headline on The Sun‘s website on Thursday morning – ‘EUROSMASH’

We get it.


Taking the Michael
Michael Owen isn’t too impressed with Anthony Martial. The former England international is not getting carried away with this particular hype machine.

“He has done what he had to do, that was the question mark before he came because he didn’t have a goalscoring record,” Owen said of Martial, who had a non-existent goal record of 11 in 49 playing as a winger at Monaco.

“I am not watching him and he is doing things I haven’t seen before, he’s not taking my breath away but you can’t pick any holes in his game right now, he has scored four in four.”

So he’s ‘not taking Owen’s breath away’, but then “you can’t pick any holes in his game right now”. Fair enough.


From the MailOnline: ‘REVEALED: How Van Gaal decides which United stars go first for lunch at training’

Quotes from their source: ‘The manager likes to mix it up and choose the order of who goes up for their food. He does it on a table by table basis and the players are trying to figure out the logic of it. You might think it is done on who he thinks has performed the best in training but they just don’t know. It keeps them on their toes.’

Why are the players “trying to work out the logic of it” if it’s already been ‘REVEALED’?


Case for the defence
It’s a relief to Mediawatch that The Sun provides us with ‘5 things we learned’ from last night’s victory for Manchester United. We are simply incapable of learning things ourselves. The final learning point from a list accompanying Neil Custis’ match report is thus:

‘United right-back Matteo Darmian is uncomfortable filling in for injured Luke Shaw at left-back.’

Which is presumably why only Juan Mata (9) was given a higher DREAM TEAM RATING than the Italian (7). If Darmian is struggling, what of David De Gea, Ashley Young (both rated 5/10), Daley Blind and Memphis Depay (both rated 6/10)?


Reade all about it
It’s difficult not to feel sorry for Brian Reade after his staunch defence of Wayne Rooney in the Daily Mirror on Thursday. After Rooney’s poetic side was revealed, Reade lamented the likely break-out of ‘would-be satiricists’ mocking the Manchester United man:

Gary Lineker is letting it be known Monday’s documentary on Wayne Rooney is so touching it will radically change the nation’s perception of him.

That’s why the BBC released previews about how he’s a sensitive soul who writes poetry for his wife.

Cue would-be satirists’ rhyming couplets running over as they imagine the literary outpourings of someone it’s been assumed can barely write a cheque.

Let’s just hope Reade doesn’t flick to page 25 of the very same newspaper…

Mediawatch Daily Mirror


Derek McGovern of the day
‘Women have only themselves to blame for all the lying that men do – they ask too many questions.’ We’re delighted that the Daily Mirror persist with this.


Headline of the day
‘Bach in business’ – The Sun.

Runner-up: ‘Fleetwood sack’ – A decent day for The Sun.


Non-football story of the day
‘Police in California said they gave arrested the “Maxi Pad Bandit” accused of burglarizing an auto parts store with a feminine hygiene pad on his face.

Apple Valley Police said the man’s face was partially obscured by the pad when he broke into the Battery Mart after it closed Monday, but surveillance footage was clear enough for officers to identify him as Gary Victor, 51.

Victor, whom police said they have dealt with in the past, was arrested Tuesday. Police said they believe he may have been under the influence of intoxicating substances at the time of the break-in.

Mark Wedell, owner of the Battery Mart store, said the surveillance footage included a clear shot of the suspect’s face without the sanitary napkin.

“Right away everybody started saying we should call this guy the Maxi Pad bandit,” Wedell told KNBC-TV.

“We had a pretty good picture of his face cause he came to the store the first time and looked in the window without his Maxi Pad on,” Wedell said. “But when he came back and he had the maxi pad over his eyes I guess he thought it was going to take care of everything.”

Police confirmed the object on Victor’s face was a feminine pad.

“It wasn’t surprising, but yes, that is in fact that’s what he was trying to conceal his identity with, and he didn’t do a very good job,” police spokeswoman Trish Hill said.’ – UPI.


Thanks to Mark Wilson and Ben Tite. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.

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