Mediawatch: Van Gaal has a chilling warning

Date published: Thursday 3rd September 2015 11:01

Louis van Gaal has got a warning for Anthony Martial: ‘Where do you want to play?’, while the Daily Star get to grips with modern technology…


Shots Fired
‘Van Gaal’s warning for £36m Martial… You’ll play where I tell you’, reads the back page of Thursday’s Daily Mail.

Crikey, what’s Louis said now? The last we heard he was welcoming the Frenchman to Manchester United and pleading patience with him, now 24 hours later he’s getting the warnings out?

Well, no.

Actual quotes (from Antony Martial): “He (Van Gaal) asked me my preferred position. I prefer to play in the centre but he told me I could play in a number of positions – it is the coach who decides but whatever position I play, I will do the best I can.”

Actual quotes from Van Gaal: None.

‘Warnings’ issued: Categorically, none.

Changed Your Tune

‘So this is the process, as Louis van Gaal likes to call it? This is the result of months of meticulous preparation? Manchester United at the centre of another chaotic deadline-day drama. Whoever is to blame for the David de Gea shambles, and heaven knows there was enough finger-pointing on Tuesday, the unseemly end to it all does not reflect well on two of the world’s biggest clubs.

‘Confirmation of the collapse of De Gea’s move came hours before United confirmed the signing of little-known French teenager Anthony Martial from Monaco in a staggering deal that could be worth up to £58m, despite assertions from Van Gaal that they would not panic buy. Both issues have left United and their chief executive Ed Woodward facing serious questions – and not for the first time in the two years since he took over the role vacated by David Gill’ – Chris Wheeler, Daily Mail, September 1.

‘By all accounts, Louis van Gaal toasted the close of the transfer window with a large glass of red wine at his holiday home in the Algarve. All in all, Van Gaal had every reason to be pleased with himself as he enjoyed his view over the Atlantic’ – Chris Wheeler, Daily Mail, September 2.

Harry Up And Wait

In his desperate bid to try and stay in the public eye, Harry Redknapp has attacked Liverpool for their signings, performances, style and the smell of the urinal cakes in Anfield. The last one is made up, but you get the picture: ‘Arry ‘asn’t ‘eld back.

“I don’t fancy Liverpool at all,” Redknapp, speaking at a Telegraph Total Football Live event. “I think it’s the worst Liverpool team I have seen in years. They look bang average. They are lucky to have any points.

“Bournemouth should have beaten them, they got a wonder goal at Stoke. OK, they played alright first-half at Arsenal.

“I think they will do well to finish in the top five. I am not with Liverpool at all this year.”

Mediawatch takes Redknapp’s words with the pinchiest of salt pinches at the best of times, but this takes the biscuit. For here is that same ‘Arry speaking after Liverpool’s 0-0 draw with Arsenal:

“Liverpool played much better last night against Arsenal than they did against Bournemouth. I thought they were average against Bournemouth. They’ll be pushing for the top four.”

Never change.

Everybody Get App

“We have a WhatsApp group set up on our phones, so it’s a pretty efficient way of keeping everyone together” – James Ward-Prowse.

Push that through the tabloid filter, and what do you get?

‘James Ward-Prowse is England Under-21’s new smartphone skipper after turning to technology to build a band of brothers’ – Daily Star.

And that’s how you make a loaf out of mere crumbs.

Metr-Oh FFS #1

The following headline is top of the ‘WHAT’S TRENDING NOW’ top five on the Metro football homepage at 8.10am on Thursday:

– ’12 reasons why Dimitar Berbatov will be an incredible signing for Aston Villa’.

Reason No. 1 is presumably that he would have to cancel the contract he signed yesterday with PAOK Salonika.

Metr-Oh FFS #2

The following headline is top of the ‘WHAT’S TRENDING NOW’ top five on the Metro football homepage at 8.30am on Thursday:

– ‘Nostradamus actually predicted Man United’s summer transfer activity 460 years ago’.

We’ll save you a click: He didn’t.

Where Is The Love?

“I can understand why people don’t like me. I’m a bit like Marmite – you either like me or hate me” – Jonjo Shelvey.

At least some people love Marmite, Jonjo. Don’t put yourself down.

It’s Like Ten Thousand Spoons…

‘It is ironic that United are trying to keep up with their neighbours City’ – Martin Keown, Daily Mail.

It’s factual.

Slight Difference Of Opinion

‘Spending capped at £260m – Manchester United have warned Louis van Gaal there isn’t a bottomless pit of cash to spend’ – Jeremy Cross, Daily Star.

‘Louis van Gaal will prioritise world-class stars over squad-building: Old Trafford transfer policy to shift from ensuring all bases are covered to luring the marquee signings that escaped club this window’ – Mark Ogden, Daily Telegraph.

Recruiting marquee signings without spending money. This could be Ed Woodward’s greatest trick yet.

Ask A Simple Question

‘Why have City got better?’ –

It’s because they wanted to win trophies this season and they have lots of money.

Sport or Sporf?

‘Caution: The summer transfer window in road signs’ – BBC Spor..?

It’s ‘BBC Sport‘. The answer is always ‘BBC Sport’.

Statement Of The Bleeding Obvious Of The Day

‘Sir Geoff Hurst insists it will take years for anyone to match Wayne Rooney’s England goals total’ – Daily Star.

The current England international with the most goals (who is younger than Rooney) is Danny Welbeck, with 14. Next comes Theo Walcott and Daniel Sturridge with five each. ‘Years’ is right.

Non-Football Story Of The Day

‘A hapless man sent a picture of his genitals to a human resources manager at a firm he was about to start working with after mistaking her number for a pal’s.

‘The cock-up happened when the 23-year-old man accepted a new job with a firm in St Charles, Illinois. Seemingly delighted with the news, the unnamed man decided to celebrate in a peculiar way by sending someone a picture of his penis.

‘Sadly for him, he got the wrong number and ended up sending the message to the HR manager at the firm which had only just offered him employment.

‘After receiving the startling image, the manager assumed it was a mistake and ignored the message – but the man sent another after he got no reply. When he still got no reply, the bungling man then called the number but was stunned at finding it was not the correct person he had been sending images of his nether regions to.

‘According to the Chicago Tribune, the manager then reported the man to the police but decided not to press charges when it became clear it was an honest mistake. Unsurprisingly, the job offer was withdrawn’ – Daily Mirror.

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