Mediawatch: Wrighty’s hokey-cokey and…

Date published: Wednesday 16th September 2015 12:26

Ian Wright has changed his mind on Theo Walcott after one goal, eight terrible reasons Arsenal will top their group and the BBC man switches from ‘stupid questions’ to ‘hair silliness’ and more…


Hair Today
The BBC’s Ben Smith was accused by Jose Mourinho of “making stupid questions” during Chelsea’s press conference on Tuesday.

His revenge was this stinging barb:

“Jose Mourinho was sporting a new haircut at today’s press conference and, just like his mood, it was short and spiky.

“This was the Chelsea manager at his emotional best. Smiling and laughing at one stage and delivering that famous death stare at others. He was fiercely protective of his players, robust in his defence of his own record and proud to remind the rest of English football that ‘I am a champion’.

“Talk is cheap. Chelsea need results. This is their worst start to a top-flight season since 1986, their manager must hope his new haircut will bring a change in form.”

Ben Smith: Asks stupid questions and doesn’t know what a spiky haircut looks like…even when he’s taken the picture himself.

Crazy, Crazy Fools
Mediawatch has been amused this week at the way in which Saturday’s Manchester United result has switched the national media mood from ‘isn’t Van Gaal a bit mental, eh?’ to ‘isn’t Jose Mourinho a bit mental, eh?’.

But clever old Andrew Dillon of The Sun has come up with a way to combine the two:

‘JOSE MOURINHO stopped short of bursting into song. But he did take a leaf out of Louis van Gaal’s barmy book by turning to a terrace chant to bang the drum for troubled Chelsea.’

Singing in a press conference? Barmy. Quoting what other people sing in a press conference without actually singing yourself? Also barmy.

Aren’t Van Gaal and Mourinho a bit mental, eh?’


Confirmation Bias
One man’s ‘barmy’ is another man’s ‘defiant rallying cry’.

This is especially true when one man (Andrew Dillon) is a West Ham fan, and another is a Chelsea acolyte (The Daily Express‘ Tony Banks).


Teenage Kicks
Charlie Wyett, The Sun, September 14: ‘As Everton celebrated their second goal wildly at Goodison Park, defender Terry picked up the ball and – unusually – walked to the half-way line. Once he approached the centre circle, he threw the ball towards Diego Costa and marched back, ignoring John Obi Mikel. The ex-England defender was clearly disgusted at the team’s lack of protection for the defence.’

Ian Wright, The Sun, September 16: ‘When the second went in, John Terry marched upfield, chucked the ball down and gave Diego Costa absolute daggers. It hinted all is not well in the dressing room, which needs to change fast.’

He ‘gave daggers’ to one player and ‘ignored’ another? Is he 14?


Eight Mile
The Metro website
has come up with eight reasons why Arsenal will win their group ahead of Bundesliga champions Bayern Munich, who have reached at least the semi-finals of the Champions League over the last four seasons. This should be excellent. And it is.

1. ‘They’re a settled side.’
Yes, it’s A Good Thing they didn’t buy anybody while Bayern stupidly bought Arturo Vidal and Douglas Costa. Fools.

2. ‘They’ll blow Dinamo Zagreb away!’
Apparently ‘there’s no question’ that Arsenal will beat Dinamo Zagreb, who are unbeaten in almost ten months. But Bayern will struggle. Of course.

3. ‘They know what to expect from Olympiacos.’
Apparently, ‘Bayern have never faced the Greek side in their history and won’t know what to expect, whereas Arsenal have plenty of experience in facing them’. And plenty of experience of losing to them – three times in three visits.

4. ‘Theo Walcott and Alexis Sanchez can destroy Jerome Boateng!’
Indeed. It will be a veritable piece of p***.

5. ‘Gabriel Paulista is unbeaten.’
We simply cannot argue with that logic.

6. ‘Bayern have it too easy in their own league.’
‘The German giants often struggle to find their rhythm against Europe’s best sides due to the easier nature of their weekend fixtures.’  Which is why they have reached at least the semi-finals of the Champions League over the last four seasons. They ‘often struggle to find their rhythm’.

7. ‘They’ve already got a draw at the Allianz Arena!’
And a 2-0 defeat at home!

8. ‘Francis Coquelin will be ready for the Champions League.’
Last year he was ‘inexperienced’. This year he will be ‘ready’. In contrast, Bayern will not field a single player who is ‘ready’.


Tactical Analysis Of The Day (One)
Michael Owen during PSV v Manchester United on BT Sport: “Both teams look more threatening without the ball.”


Tactical Analysis Of The Day (Two)
‘I do think he (Theo Walcott) could be clinical, I do think he can play up there and I do think Arsenal will get out of their Champions League group at the very least.’

And we do think that Ian Wright is an Arsenal fan.


Hokey Cokey
Ian Wright on Theo Walcott as a striker, August 29: “They needed to do this five years ago if they were going to take him out of the right-hand side and into the centre and try to teach him how to make those runs. Now all of a sudden that Giroud isn’t playing well, they’re trying to get Benzema. He scored a hat-trick against let’s face it West Brom at the end of last season and a very poor Aston Villa side in the FA Cup final and now they’re putting him up front and basically telling him to get on with it. He needed to be in this position four or five years ago learning because he’s not a bad finisher.”

Ian Wright on Theo Walcott as a striker, September 16: ‘I do think he (Theo Walcott) could be clinical, I do think he can play up there.’

Well he has scored a goal.


Writes Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail: ‘Newcastle were widely expected to buy Austin this summer but delayed and balked over his fee, and went abroad instead for Aleksandar Mitrovic — a Serbian with a similar goalscoring record, playing for Anderlecht in the Belgian Pro League. And there, encapsulated, is the problem with English football in the third decade of the Premier League era.’

No, Martin. There, encapsulated, is the problem with Newcastle United. They made a really, really bad decision.

Looking at Swansea this season, for example, we’re pretty sure they’re glad they ditched the English Luke Moore and brought in the brazenly foreign Bafetimbi Gomis.

It’s almost like you cannot make one sweeping statement on the back of one story. Oh no, wait a minute, you’re Martin Samuel – of course you bloody can. Off with their foreign heads.


An Old Mediawatch Favourite
Dave Kidd in the Daily Mirror: ‘Here they still feel like the long-suffering Blue Moonies from Moss Side.’

Yes. That’s right. He still thinks it’s funny.


Headline Of The Day
‘Defeat adds insult to injury for Van Gaal’s men’ – The Times.

‘Ouch’ Headline Of The Day
‘Jose set to chop his flops’ – The Daily Star. See below.


Non-Football Story Of The Day
‘A WOMAN who burnt her boyfriend’s penis with a hair straightener as agreed punishment for being unfaithful with his ex-girlfriend has received a suspended jail sentence. Bronwyn Joy Parker, 22, had pleaded guilty to recklessly causing serious harm over the incident which left her then boyfriend with third degree burns to his genitalia at her Mount Barker home in December 2013. In sentencing, District Court Judge Paul Muscat said Parker’s crime was one of the “most unusual” he had encountered during his time in court.

‘He said the victim suffered third-degree burns to each side of the shaft of his penis requiring treatment in the Burns Unit of the Royal Adelaide Hospital. The court has heard he now requires constant review by medical specialists who have indicated the healing and scarring process may take up to two years. “In short, his penis will be scarred for life and he will suffer from a number of issues, including the proper function of his penis, not to mention the cosmetic and psychological problems associated with the scarring to such a sensitive site,” Judge Muscat said.

‘He said Parker met her victim on Facebook and formed a relationship with him which, over time, became tempestuous. “You regularly abused him, including physically, if you suspected, or, if he admitted to being unfaithful to you. You were particularly jealous of his association with his ex-girlfriend.” He said the troubled relationship got to the point where the couple agreed that if the victim ever cheated on her he would let her burn his testicles with the straighteners.

‘“He was unfaithful to you and had spent two nights with his ex-girlfriend and had sex with her. “When you found out about that, you reminded him of his promise to you. He asked you ‘What about it?’ referring to the promise he had previously made. You told him to remove his penis from his shorts, which he did. He said that you could ‘tap it’ with the straighteners after he removed his penis, after you said that you were not going to burn his testicles.”

‘Judge Muscat said neither of the couple had realised the seriousness of what you were about to embark on. “You took his penis in your hand and then, with the other, you placed the straighteners on either side of the shaft of his penis before squeezing them momentarily. I need not here say anything of the pain and shock which he then experienced.”

‘The victim had described his penis as “swollen, blistering and pussy and black in colour” after the incident and did not immediately seek treatment because of his embarrassment. When Parker was interviewed by police she told she had only applied the straightener for a couple of seconds and thought it would only feel like sunburn. To start off with, it looked brown around the outside and it didn’t look too bad, it just looked as if you had cooked a piece of meat,” she told police. Judge Muscat sentenced Parker to nine months’ jail but suspended that sentence upon her entering an 18-month good behaviour bond’ – Adelaide Now.
Thanks to today’s Mediawatch spotters Ross Heaviside and Lee Beresford. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at

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