Jose Mourinho’s Premier League options: Newcastle, Arteta replacement, ‘perfect’ club, Chelsea return
Jose Mourinho is back on the market after his Roma sacking and there is life in the old dog yet for another crack at the Premier League. But at which club?
Newcastle United
It has long been decreed by fate. Newcastle supporters have valiantly raged against the machine that is their outwardly sensible owners growing tired of waiting for the sportswashing cycle to finish, before just spraying the club with some Jose Mourinho air freshener and popping out. But the process is in motion and cannot be stopped.
The two have been intrinsically linked for decades through their devotion to Sir Bobby Robson; Mourinho went as far as saying that the managerial icon offered him the role of assistant when he took the St James’ Park reins in 2000, the ultimate plan being that the Portuguese would eventually take the wheel upon his departure.
That shared love has kept manager and club in the same orbit for years, with Mourinho intermittently buttering up the fans by praising the St James’ Park atmosphere despite it being “the only stadium in England where I haven’t ever managed to win a Premier League match,” the scamp. That’s how he hooks you before the gaslighting begins. Next thing you know he’s midway through his third season and everything is on fire.
Being sacked four consecutive times at progressively less illustrious clubs might ordinarily diminish a manager’s flame, but Mourinho can point to the sort of tangible success at each which a certain sect will lap up: a League Cup and Premier League Double with Chelsea, the most plastic of Trebles at Manchester United (Community Shield, League Cup, Europa League), half a trophy with Spurs and Europa Conference League glory at Roma. That’s heritage.
And that’s where Eddie Howe falls short. Nice 2014/15 Championship title, mate. Oh, lovely League Cup runners-up medal you’ve got there, bud. Really nice. Is that a real Football League Manager of the Decade award? Wow. Impressive. Can’t wait to hear about it on Jake Humphrey’s High Performance Podcast while Mourinho is winning the FA Cup, building everything around Matt Ritchie, showing he is a changed man and speaking well in his first press conference.
And look, there can be no more fun than watching Mourinho arrive at unthinkably rich Newcastle and being told they have to sell all their best players first before being able to afford Dan Burn’s new central midfield partner, Nemanja Matic.
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Nottingham Forest
The renewed prominence of Jorge Mendes as a figure of Premier League power has gone relatively unnoticed. Wolves did not quite sever ties with the agent in the summer but there was a deliberate attempt to move away from his sphere of influence, as underlined by the exit of client Julen Lopetegui and subsequent appointment of probably-not-a-Mendes-client Gary O’Neil.
Sensing an opportunity, Nottingham Forest quickly climbed into bed with Mendes, making much the polar opposite managerial move in replacing probably-not-a-Mendes client Steve Cooper with first-ever Mendes client, Nuno Espirito Santo.
The Athletic reported recently that Mendes and Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis are ‘working closer together than ever before, practically as business partners’; apropos of nothing, the Premier League club could be docked points after being charged with breaching the Premier League’s profit and sustainability rules.
Mendes has brokered most of Mourinho’s moves and a manager who has used Brian Clough as a career blueprint would relish the chance to follow those same footsteps.
Crystal Palace
“London is perfect. My family is happy living here,” Mourinho said in summer 2007. So although you can never predict what will happen in football, I would like to be in London by 2012. If it is not working at Chelsea, then Crystal Palace or somebody else.”
The Portuguese absolutely adores the Palace supporters, frequently hailing them as “fantastic” on his visits as an opposing manager to Selhurst Park. Even during the game which sealed the Premier League title for Chelsea in 2015, he praised the travelling Palace band as “top fans” with a thumbs up, before turning to the Blues supporters in the home end and mimicking sleeping.
Mourinho nodded and applauded upon subsequent chants of “Jose, he’s a Palace fan”. There is no altering the inevitable messiness of the divorce, but the chemistry calls for a passionate tryst.
Do it, it’ll be complete chaos and will ultimately end in tears but I just want to feel something again. https://t.co/aHLZiWaBVW
— HLTCO (@HLTCO) January 16, 2024
Arsenal
Let it be known that Mourinho was one of precious few outsiders who foresaw Mikel Arteta’s transformational qualities at Arsenal. With the Gunners officially languishing in 15th after a Special One-engineered 2-0 north London derby win, Mourinho pulled a full Guardiola by heaping praise on his pliable opponents:
“I can imagine tomorrow that the headlines will be about them not being in a good position on the table. But I believe with these players, with Mikel, Arsenal will be Arsenal again.”
Mourinho gets it. He understands Arsenal. Forget the Arsene Wenger “voyeur”, “specialist in failure” stuff and other regular snipes. That was a conflicted man trying to compute and come to terms with his feelings. Who among us can honestly say they haven’t shouted obscenities at someone they fancy while standing behind Didier Drogba? He’s only human.
Beyond the hard-to-get playground stuff, there is genuine foundation in Arsenal sodding Arteta off for Mourinho. Everyone knows that periods of sustained excellence are actually years of loser-mentality bottling until legitimised by a trophy and as established, the Portuguese guarantees such success by any means necessary. And the only way to make Spurs being the only club he has failed to win anything with since his Porto breakout years funnier is if he does it with Arsenal too.
READ MORE: Arteta sacked, Salah sold, Ten Hag stays at Man Utd and other football predictions for 2024
Chelsea
The Roman Abramovich obstacle is removed. Chelsea have long since wisely offloaded any player or coach who might have first-hand experience of how well it ended on both previous occasions, he and the fanbase have never quite found true happiness away from one another and Todd Boehly.