Never mind the Real Madrid clusterf***, Liverpool are ‘monitoring’ Mbappe
Liverpool got spangled by Real Madrid but never fear, Reds fans; you are ‘monitoring’ the most valuable player in the world.
Making a Kylian
Liverpool got absolutely spangled by Real Madrid and that means the first place Mediawatch goes on the morning after the night before is the Liverpool Echo Reds’ page. The home of Liverpool propaganda has to find a way to make everything seem absolutely hunky-dory after such a humiliation so what is their top story?
‘Liverpool transfer news LIVE – Kylian Mbappe ‘monitored’, Piotr Zielinski stance, Real Madrid reaction’
Everything is awesome!
The team that has just lost 5-2 at home to Real Madrid and currently sits in eighth place in the Premier League behind Fulham and Brighton is ‘monitoring’ probably the most valuable footballer in the whole world.
Everything is awesome!
Their source is Football Insider, who also detail interest from Chelsea and Manchester United before adding:
‘However, all three Premier League giants are aware that a deal will be hard to complete – due to the finances involved in a potential swoop.
‘Mbappe reportedly earns more than £1.2million-a-week on his current PSG contract.’
Ah, he will wave all those wage demands as soon as he sees that the eighth best team in England are ‘monitoring’ his situation. And he absolutely definitely will not join Real Madrid instead. Oh no. What 5-2 defeat? Nothing to see here in la-la-Liverpool-land.
‘Erik ten Hag spotted in talks with Man Utd legend Sir Alex Ferguson at dinner ahead of Barcelona clash in Europa League’ – The Sun website.
Alternative headline: ‘Two men have dinner; somebody took a photo on their phone.’
REVEALED: Some footballers played more than others
Maybe Erik ten Hag and Sir Alex Ferguson were discussing The Sun’s big REVEAL:
‘Man Utd’s most used XI of the Premier League era revealed with huge surprise at centre-back and no Cristiano Ronaldo’
No Ronaldo! It’s almost like he spent less than eight years at Manchester United!
And who is the ‘huge surprise’ at centre-back? Is it a player who spent years and years at Manchester United because this is the most-used XI rather than the best? Can it really be a ‘huge surprise’ when it is literally a list of the players with the most appearances?
‘Be it as a midfielder, full back or even in goal, the natural centre back (John) O’Shea did it all at United.
‘The Irishman made 257 appearances for the club in the league and earns his spot in the side.
‘This means that he has beaten out competition from Nemanja Vidic, Wes Brown and Mikel Silvestre.’
He has ‘beaten out’ competition over a decade. What a massive bloody shock.
Ronaldo! Ronaldo! Ronaldo!
Presumably the first lesson of working for the Sun website as a football journalist is this: ‘No story cannot be improved by a reference to Ronaldo.’
‘Vinicius Jr upsets Anfield as he does Cristiano Ronaldo’s iconic celebration after Real Madrid goal against Liverpool’
Pretty sure Anfield was more upset with Liverpool being an absolute f***ing shambles.
Farewell to arms
But if you can’t crowbar in Ronaldo, simply pretend that everybody is talking about the size of Micah Richards’ arms, presumably because you are talking about the size of Micah Richards’ arms.
‘They’re bigger than my thighs FFS’ – Fans seriously impressed at the size of Micah Richards’ arms’
Fans of what? Arms?
‘FANS have been left stunned by the impressive size of Micah Richards’ biceps.’
Sorry, FANS of what? Arms?
‘The former Manchester City ace appeared as a pundit on CBS Sports’ coverage of the Champions League, having been on Match of the Day at the weekend.
‘As he gave his opinions on last week’s Prem action, many couldn’t help but notice his impressive guns.
‘Suave Richards, 34, wore a dark blazer and glasses last night on CBS, having donned a short sleeve black T-shirt on MOTD.
‘Commenting on the dapper pundit, one fan tweeted: “Micah Richards’ arms are bigger than my thighs ffs.”‘
And here’s that tweet:
Micah Richards arms are bigger than my thighs ffs
— Alex Hamer (@AlexHamer1) November 21, 2022
From November 2022.
So a football news story in February 2023 is based around somebody tweeting about Micah Richards’ arms three months ago. Is this yet another new low?
‘A second joked: “If Micah Richards flexes his biceps he’s gonna rip the arms on his shirt on live TV.”‘
If Micah Richards flexes his biceps he’s gonna rip the arms on his shirt on live TV
— J. McClane (@Duraginho) November 21, 2022
Also in November 2022.
‘A third explicitly added: “F***ing hell Micah Richards’ arms.”‘
A third ‘explicitly added’ that comment three months later. Which is a hell of a long time to wait before ‘adding’ something. Even Mediawatch doesn’t take that long to think of a joke.
Alternatively, Sun journalist spends an awful lot of time contemplating Micah Richards’ arms, searches ‘Micah Richards arms’ on Twitter, copies and pastes, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is football content in 2023. Doesn’t it make you glad to be alive?
Tearing a new one
Sometimes you have to doff your cap (if you own a cap dedicated to doffing in reverence at clickbait) to the Mirror Football team and they have hoovered up both the caps and the clicks with this doozy:
‘Jake Humphrey issues BT Sport apology to Liverpool fans after Gary Neville tore into them’
What execution. How incredibly clever/shameless to hint that Manchester United legend Gary Neville has ‘torn into’ Liverpool fans, when actually Gary Neville ‘tore into’ BT nine sodding months ago.
If the clickbait cap fits; doff it.