Nketiah takes chance against dull Blades, Bournemouth up and running, Bellingham nonsense – it’s the F365 3pm Blackout

Only two Premier League games to consider this afternoon, but significant at both ends of the table. Biggest Blackout game of the weekend wasn’t even in England, though. Jude Bellingham is absurd.

Nketiah treble keeps Arsenal on Tottenham’s tail and lengthens Sheffield United’s record-breaking woes
Easy enough to dismiss it all as “Only Sheffield United” as the Blades extend what was already the second-worst start in Barclays history. But one win and eight defeats (now nine) never quite told the whole story of United’s start to the season. It’s been crap, obviously and undeniably, but also quirky.

There was the mortifying embarrassment of the Newcastle game, clearly, but also might encouraging efforts in narrow defeats to Manchester City, Spurs and Manchester United. When it’s bad it’s clearly very bad indeed for Sheffield United but this is not a team that everyone simply thrashes out of sight before moving on to the next, more meaningful challenge. Of course Arsenal were always likely to win this, but it was far from certain to go as smoothly as this.

And Eddie Nketiah in particular will have no interest in any talk of the opposition. His first Premier League hat-trick comes against a backdrop of ever-growing noise about not just whether Arsenal will sign a Proper Striker in January, but which specific one it might be. Gabriel Jesus did his bit to suggest it might not be quite as necessary as all that in midweek, and now Nketiah too with a hat-trick completed with a spectacular strike from distance. More of this over the next couple of months and all really will be well.

The problem, of course, is whether there will be more of this. That’s five Premier League goals for Nketiah now this season, which is perfectly decent. But they’ve come against Palace, Forest and now three against Sheffield United. He’s been found wanting against Spurs, United, City and Chelsea. Turning a potential banana skin in to such a relaxing Saturday afternoon is not to be sniffed at – things got so easy for Arsenal here that not even the eagle-eyed Celebration Police will have spotted much to get animated about – but Arsenal do need more. This needs to be a launchpad now, and not something that can be dismissed as stat-padding when the dust settles.

As for Sheffield United, things really are looking bleak. They’re getting nothing when they play well and thrashed when they don’t. If they remain winless after next weekend’s home clash with Wolves then it’s going to be an uncomfortable international break for Paul Heckingbottom.

Report: Arsenal 5-0 Sheffield United: Nketiah scores first Premier League hat-trick in routine Gunners win

Andoni Iraola finally ends winless start to pile pressure on Vincent Kompany
Burnley were one of five things we’ve bravely admitted to getting wrong in the summer. We say brave, it’s not that brave. There were hundreds of others we’ve not put our hands up for.

But we really didn’t see Burnley being this poor. Ten games in they’ve beaten only Luton, a team they now sit behind in the table. This is also already the third game this season they’ve lost after taking an early lead, and the fact they lost this by only a single goal instead of three like against Spurs and Chelsea is little consolation.

So historically bad have the starts of the bottom four been that this was always a game that would have outsized significance. Bournemouth’s win is only the third the bottom four have managed between them all season. It doubles Bournemouth’s points tally for the season and lifts them outside the bottom three for now in what already looks like it might be a season-long four-team tallest dwarf contest for 17th place. It certainly eases the pressure on Iraola a bit ahead of next weekend’s trip to Manchester City…

Report: Bournemouth 2-1 Burnley: Billing beauty hands Iraola’s men first Premier League win of the season

Englishmen Abroad: Bellingham continues to write own scripts, Kane bags treble
Only two Premier League games behind the Blackout today, but a couple of games featuring England’s two best players. Jude Bellingham’s first Clasico being BANNED from English TV screens produced some stunningly outraged nonsense – how dare those dastardly Spaniards not consider England’s rules when scheduling their fixtures? – but it was, it turned out, a shame we couldn’t watch it.

You’ll see the highlights right enough, though, after a long-range thunderbolt midway through the half brought Real Madrid level before he netted an injury-time winner because of course he did. Increasingly hard to find anything new to say about an astonishing footballer on the crest of a ludicrous wave. Even harder to believe he’s English.

Harry Kane, meanwhile, helped himself to a Bundesliga hat-trick in the second half of a daft game against Darmstadt.

It was goalless but 10 men against nine at half-time. Forty-five minutes later, Bayern had edged it 8-0, the clear highlight being their fifth and Kane’s second, which he scored from well within the Bayern half and sent arrowing over a keeper who managed to be both haplessly, horribly stranded yet also never more than about 10 or 12 yards off his line. It might be the best one of those goals we’ve ever seen and meant that poor old Nketiah didn’t even score the best hat-trick of the day for an England striker that featured a stunning long-range strike.