Tired of England and ‘awful’ Palmer with ITV yet to explain their ‘blatantly stupid choice’

England cannot possibly keep using the ‘tired’ excuse with a straight face to explain awful performances. ITV need to clarify one ‘stupid’ decision.

It was a friendly that felt a bit pointless for Scotland last Friday against Iceland. Eidur Gudjohnsen’s son scored. Feel old?

Scotland were hopeless throughout, repeatedly giving the ball away. Hampden was all but silent until Scotland equalised after 25 minutes. Booed off at half time 2-1 down and at full time after losing 3-1.

For some reason, they’ve asked the heavily-tattooed Lyndon Dykes to comment. I’m not convinced he knows anything about anything but seems amused at the voices in his head. He says the positive of being rubbish is that it was a friendly! Nowhere near good enough. Awful game. They were much better against a far worse side in Liechtenstein though, winning 4-0, with five new caps.

Roy and Karen were with Poogers for Andorra v England, probably one of the easiest games in international football. Fair play to Poogers for being enthusiastic. Gabriel Clarke interviews Jordan Henderson, who sounds like his batteries are running out. That just might be the Sunderland accent, though.

They’re sticking with Sam Matterface and Lee Dixon and the vague air of unconscious patronising contempt for Andorra, despite almost universal disapproval, I assume, not to admit to themselves they’ve got this wrong. Such shallow, arse-covering pettiness, I’m told, is very common amongst media execs. Indeed it governs much of the output. I suppose if you are a lavishly-paid executive, being shown to have made a blatantly stupid choice that is widely disparaged is embarrassing. So it can’t under any circumstances be admitted to.

England took 12 rubbish corners. You’d think they’d have learned how to do it by now, wouldn’t you? It is surely something you can practise through repetition. Shouldn’t this basic inability disqualify the taker from being called ‘world class’, or even a ‘footballer’?

Also booed off at half time, they were sh*te. Almost as bad as Scotland. Didn’t matter, though, at least until it’s seen as a ‘we should have known this was coming after they struggled to beat Andorra’ moment, post-tournament exit. They won but it didn’t lift the spirits. And that seems to have been seen as part of the ‘at this stage, only the result matters’ trend, being uttered despite never being able to say when that is not the case, forgetting that people pay actual money to watch such dreck. It’s not free. Customer beware.

And binning it off as ‘result the only thing that matters’ insults your audience. But that doesn’t matter to them, obviously. Matterface kept saying things like “Palmer to unlock the defence,” just as Palmer boots it straight into the defender. Or “Palmer charging through on goal,” just as he overruns it and loses possession. He was awful. At least he wasn’t interviewed.

Why say ‘we know he’s got that ability/in his locker/got the quality’ when a shot meant to find the corner doesn’t find the corner? You could say that of any second-tier striker, most of whom will have scored a long-range shot. The skill being claimed for the player isn’t special or significant yet by saying it, it invests greater belief in the talent than is justified. That’s how you subconsciously over-rate.

“Plodding,” says Poogers in the break. Eventually they scored but it was all unimpressive. They seemed scared to take anyone on, had no creativity and some were apparently just knackered. This was the old England, like they always were before Gareth.

“Surely the floodgates will open now,” said Dixon after they scored, forgetting this is the new post-Gareth England. The excuses offered were myriad, the truth inescapable. England were comically terrible against one of the very worst sides in the world. Maybe it doesn’t really matter much in the long run until we meet someone much better than Andorra, like Senegal.

Although Tuchel has won his first three games to nil, I think he’s shaken by how poor a team England are at even the basics, having fallen into the trap of believing they’re individually as good as they are at their clubs, where they play with the world’s talent and not appreciating how much Gareth got them to over-perform.

It’s a mistake he’s hopefully realised. Gareth would have been slaughtered for a performance like this against Andorra. “I didn’t like the attitude,” Tuchel said. He looked like he had a bad case of buyer’s remorse and was already counting the days until it was over. The problem with saying it doesn’t matter in the long run, as many have, as they always have after such results, is that you dismiss the match as not important and you end up endorsing an idea that you can take a ‘turn it on, turn it off’ mentality to form, like it’s that easy. Being crap becomes endemic.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re doomed, but if we are, we saw the next reasons why.

Roy was at his scathing best. Phone-in callers (who all sounded like Reform voters) were pulling the “I’m not racist but…” lever about Tuchel (probably because they don’t know what xenophobia means), as if we were sh*te because he’s German. Zombie fools walk among us.

The Nations League final on ITV featured the always genial Guillem Balague; he brings good vibes. The Premier League players didn’t seem tired despite it always being used as an excuse proffered for England. It set their performance into a proper context and showed how far adrift they are in every way. It was actually entertaining and really made England look dreadfully overrated and heinously over-remunerated too – and I think Tuchel has realised that quite profoundly.

These Portugal and Spanish players play actual football and are creative. They really exert effort and the skill level is at times breathtaking. Football would have to be at its ornery best for England to beat either.

Andros Townsend is the co-comm with Seb. He’s successfully cutting himself a regular co-comm career on TV and radio. Do you think he cuts in to the left to get into the commentary position?

Lamine Yamal was marked out of the game. Do you think Dan Burn could do that? Portugal’s penalties were faultless.

Oddly in the Wales game, the Belgian Premier League players didn’t seem tired at all. And Wales didn’t either. Maybe England players are weaker. Or it’s not a valid excuse. One of the two.

Does Trossard look like Robbie Williams or am I self-medicating too heavily? VAR was particularly fussy, took ages and searched for reasons to disallow every goal in an enjoyable game that Wales never quite seemed out of, even when three down. But after drawing level, Lukaku scored a fourth – not good enough for Manchester United, that lad – yet after what felt like half an hour, it was ruled it out.

De Bruyne’s strike then settled it.

Joe Ledley, once king of the beaver tail beard, was still as facially hirsute as you’d like to see. Nathan Jones looked like a professor of politics at a Welsh University. Great package about Wales v Belgium in the 2016 Euros, the sheer joy on faces was very moving and overall a great, enjoyable programme.

Then, urgh, another heinous, pathetic England game. ‘Just a friendly. It doesn’t mean anything.’ Yeah, if you’ve watched them since 1966, you’d have gotten over that particular delusion by 1973.

Channel 4 Sport was the unusual destination for a hit of football on Wednesday with the UEFA U21 Championship, some of which is also on Channel 4 and 4seven. I watched some of Italy v Romania while listening to a brilliant 5 live programme, Destination New Jersey. Hosted by Chappers it looks at all the issues around the upcoming World Cup with the always erudite and informed Tim Vickery and Rory Smith and other guests. This was degree-level stuff covering everything from Che Guevera to America’s suitability as hosts and events in Bolivia, Uzbekistan, DR Congo and Indonesia amongst others. A superb look at football’s interface with a country’s politics and culture. Did you know Ecuador is on the verge of becoming South America’s third force, just now? Particularly enjoyed the discussion about the problems around Bielsa’s Uruguay side.

On 4seven was Portugal v France U21’s with Oliver Wilson, a freelancer, as commentator and the surely uniquely-named Courtney Sweetman-Kirk as the co-comm. Interesting that these games are getting more attention – I seem to recall in the dim and distant past, they used to feature more prominently, or maybe that was the England Football League XI games which were deemed significant in the ’60s and earlier but fizzled out by the mid-70s.

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Both sides looked better than England’s first team against Senegal, though that’s not saying much. Skill level good, but lacking a regular cutting edge on both sides until some efforts in injury time. Finished 0-0.

Then it was time for England on Channel 4. How would the U21’s get on against Czechia as Euro champions? Why does Lee Carsley’s expression always put me in mind of Deputy Dawg (ask yer grandad)?

As usual for a new broadcaster, they just copied, in this case TNT, with Jules Breach, Joe Cole and Jermain Defoe, who does talk very well, if in rapid fire bursts; he talks like he played.

Noticeable Channel 4 had unsold ad space. Joe Hart was a good co-comm choice paired with Steve Bower from MOTD.

Why Hart is a cut above is that he talks from his own experience knowledgeably and at length. He doesn’t try to be authoritative but he absolutely is. He talks with a natural calmness, thoughtfulness and enthusiasm. You just can tell he knows what he’s talking about. Obviously insightful about goalkeeping but so much more. Unlike many, he’s not annoying or over-performative. He also contributes a lot and is always talking. He shows how a co-comm can add colour and knowledge and should be a permanent fixture for someone.

England won 3-1 with a squad that had only been together for eight days. Was the first team better under Carsley than Tuchel? They played well and coherently. Such a contrast. No tiredness.