Stupid, sh*t things we really don’t miss about football

Will Ford
LONDON, ENGLAND - MARCH 14: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang of Arsenal celebrates his second goal by wearing a mask of the Marvel Comics character the Black Panther during the UEFA Europa League Round of 16 Second Leg match between Arsenal and Stade Rennais at Emirates Stadium on March 14, 2019 in London, England. (Photo by Visionhaus/Getty Images)

After one week without football, we put together a list of the things we already missed. It is now nearly a month since Wolves drew to Olympiacos in the Europa League (a game I will never forgive myself for not watching), and we would happily give up our daily exercise for another month for almost any live action. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

But we don’t miss everything about it. Here are some stupid, sh*t things we really don’t miss about the game we love…

 

The sheer abundance of it
“Constant, dizzying, twenty-four hour, yearlong, endless football! Every kick of it massively mattering to someone, presumably. Watch it all, all here, all the time, forever, it will never stop, the football is officially going on forever!” – David Mitchell’s satirical swipe in That Mitchell and Webb Look may be a little close to the bone right now given that it has stopped, but having no football really makes you appreciate just how much is normally on.

For those in relationships in which one person loves it, and the other does not, this can be particularly testy. The dawning realisation when laying out plans for the week on a Sunday evening that three hours of every night are blocked off by football in one guise or another: “I thought we could go out for dinner on Tuesday?” “And miss the FA Cup fourth round replay? You must be f***ing joking.”

Maybe, just maybe, we don’t need to see ‘every football team playing football several times in various combinations’…

 

The idiotic minority
“It’s important to point out that it was a very small minority,” is a phrase we are all too familiar with. It invariably comes following instances of prejudice – normally racism – clearly audible from the stands of a football ground. Whether it’s a positive stereotype like that ridiculous Romelu Lukaku chant, or the point blank racism that Antonio Rudiger experienced at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium that apparently proved to be “inconclusive”. Bulls**t – I was there, I heard it, it was despicable.

There was the Bulgarian FA’s bizarre denial of racism following the Euro qualifier, and remember Serie A’s campaign? Embarrassing; it’s all embarrassing. Here’s to hoping this forced period of introspection brings a renewed sense of unity when all this blows over. Wishful thinking.

 

Post-match interviews
Unless Jose Mourinho is publicly criticising one of his players, we’re basically not interested. Journalists ask the same questions and managers and players give the copybook answers, nine times out of ten. “A hat-trick on debut, how does that feel?” “Yeah it feels good, but at the end of the day the most important thing is the three points.” Oh f*** off, you scored a hat-trick, that’s far more important  – you’re allowed to say that. “You’re 25 points clear at the top of the league, surely you’ve now got two hands on that elusive Premier League trophy?” “We just take each game as it comes, we’ve got an important fixture against…” Arrrggghhhhh!!

 

‘Can I have your shirt’ signs
There are far too many of these Oliver Twists with their cardboard signs. They literally want the shirt off the footballers’ backs. What do they expect them just to get a new one every game? “Please sir, can I have some more?” No, piss off you little pr**k.

 

Match of the Day
To be clear, I love Match of the Day. I never feel as relaxed as when the famous theme tune pipes up – it’s my “deep bath”. But given the option of watching Alan Shearer and Ian Wright ‘analysing’ a game of football or discussing Premier League top tens, as we’ve seen recently, I would choose the latter every time. Shearer using his big red circles to indicate the space afforded to players on the ball, or Ian Wright saying “he should have done better” when a forward is through on goal adds precisely nothing to the viewing experience.

Listening to them talk about the greatest ever Premier League strikers, or which goalkeepers they found it toughest to beat, is genuinely fascinating. We all miss the highlights, like we miss the live football, but the inane punditry we can do without.

 

Pre-planned celebrations
A Roger Milla jig we can get on board with but a dance derived from Fortnite? Please. We want footballers to celebrate like we would, with pure, unbridled joy; not by putting a superhero mask on.

 

People recording live action on their phones
This pertains to live sport, music, it even happens in cinemas for f***’s sake. The first thought for far too many people is to document the fact they were at a live event rather than actually enjoying a live event; often with complete disregard for those sitting behind them who have no interest in what the game looks like through a five-inch screen. You’ve paid good money to watch Messi play live, why then waste that opportunity through disproportionate concern for the number of social media likes you’ll get from a grainy, shaky video you’ve taken while missing the genius on the pitch right in front of you?

 

A special mention to fan TV channels we really wish didn’t exist, but still have to put up with, even when there is no football on. Go away.

 

Will Ford is on Twitter