One per club: Premier League hot takes include Arsenal near-invincible, Man City relegated, Klopp return

We have put our necks on the line by making one sizzling hot take per Premier League club. If we are correct, Man City will be playing in League Two and Jurgen Klopp will be back on our screens.

For some slightly less scorching takes, you can check out the traditional annual humiliation ritual that is our full season predictions here.

Arsenal – Champions with one league defeat all season
In terms of league position, the only sizzling hot take would be anywhere outside of the top four for Arsenal. We can not convince ourselves that is possible, especially with everyone around them expected to be a little bit worse, except Manchester United (surely) and Newcastle.

Aston Villa have Champions League football to worry about and did the double over the Gunners in 2023/24, Fulham don’t have Joao Palhinha anymore, Newcastle will fail to beat Arsenal if they don’t host them under the bloody lights, and West Ham surely can’t win at the Emirates two seasons in a row, can they? Just like that, we have struck off every single Premier League defeat Arsenal suffered last season.

A loss will appear somewhere, not at the Etihad or Anfield, but somewhere a bit silly like St Mary’s or Goodison Park, but there will only be one of them all season as Arsenal win their first league title in two decades.

Aston Villa – Champions League quarter-finalists
Villa can easily progress out of the league phase, and when it becomes knockout football, they will be hard to beat with Unai Emery in charge. He loves knockout football. Except against Olympiacos. The guy has won four Europa Leagues!

Emery got Villarreal to the last four of the Champions League in 2022 and that is pretty much all we are basing this prediction on. Hell, Villa have spent enough to reach the quarters this season.

Brentford – Relegation
Thomas Frank has done an outstanding job at Brentford and while some might think the Bees’ style of play is a bit too direct to fit in with all the other woke nonsense in Our League, there is an argument that the Danish head coach is playing to his players’ strengths.

Brentford have probably done enough to be regarded as an Established Premier League Club but that is all about to end. With Ivan Toney either gone or grumpy, big-money striker signing Igor Thiago injured for a while, Wolves reportedly expressing an interest in Yoane Wissa, and sh*thousery God Neal Maupay back at Everton, the Bees will struggle to score goals.

We think it is going to be a rough campaign and if not for points deductions to Everton and Nottingham Forest, Frank’s side might have been caught up in a relegation battle. Thankfully for those three teams, the promoted trio were really rubbish. This year will be different and we fear for Brentford. We really do.

Brighton – Fabian Hurzeler sacked in October
Hurzeler – the youngest permanent manager in Premier League history – will not last when Brighton decide to throw their latest project in the bin having spent over £100m in the summer transfer window. Appointing a 31-year-old is a risk but still so Brighton, and it will take a lot of pride swallowing to sack him mere months into the job, but that is what we reckon they will do after winning none of their opening eight fixtures.

Bournemouth – Andoni Iraola to upgrade before January
Iraola was one of the best managers in the Premier League last season, keeping a Bournemouth team hotly tipped for relegation in the top flight with remarkable ease.

The Cherries started 23/24 very slowly and Iraola losing his job felt inevitable, however, the club’s hierarchy kept the faith and were duly repaid. That faith should see a Dominic Solanke-less Bournemouth start the season strongly. So strongly that Iraola will be on the radar of top clubs, and one of the first to sack their manager will appoint the Basque boss. We are not talking Barcelona or Real Madrid, but maybe a Borussia Dortmund or AC Milan.

Chelsea – Bottom-half finish
Where to start with this lot? Blimey. What a shambles the Clearlake era has been. Funny, mind. But not enjoyable whatsoever for their fans.

Mauricio Pochettino’s side ended last season in great form, earning European qualification against the odds, but the former Tottenham boss was dismissed and replaced by rookie head coach Enzo Maresca. Pre-season has been very testing for the Italian, who is taking charge of a ridiculously bloated squad as owners obsessed with signing players struggle to offload their unwanted employees, like Trevoh Chalobah and Romelu Lukaku, who is probably on around £300k a week at Stamford Bridge.

We can go on and on about Chelsea for hours. We think they are such a shambles right now and are not convinced by Maresca. They will struggle for 10th.

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Crystal Palace – On the beach by February
Dark horses for a European place? Nah, all of that hype is misplaced. Sure, they have some exciting players and Oliver Glasner looks like a top coach, but our hot take is that Crystal Palace will have the most Crystal Palace season ever. They will finish on 46 points and be out of the European picture all season before being on the proverbial beach by February.

Everton – Top-half finish
Should they avoid a points deduction, Everton will be completely fine, which is quite the statement these days.

Fulham – Third-season syndrome to dramatically kick in
No Joao Palhinha is a kick to the tits for Fulham. Sure, they have made a couple of promising signings, including Emile Smith Rowe from Arsenal, but to have no replacement for the Portuguese midfield demon is suicidal.

This will leave the Fulham defence a lot more exposed and without a natural goalscorer up front (Rodrigo Muniz has had his purple patch), they would be in trouble. Deep trouble. We are not saying relegation beckons but it is a possibility. We reckon 15th is their ceiling.

Ipswich Town – No relegation battle
It’s gonna be a wonderful season for Ipswich Town. They are going to skip through the season with a big smile on their face. Not because they are just happy to be here, but because it is going to be comfortable for them.

Leicester City – Horrendous home form
This was comfortably the most difficult club. We can’t convince ourselves they can finish top half, saying they can stay up is hardly a hot take, neither is predicting relegation. So, we have backed Leicester to be terrible at home, winning one game all season. They’ll obviously win their first home match now.

Liverpool – Jurgen Klopp returns
There is a fine line before fantasy and prediction and we are dangerously hovering over it.

Liverpool feel like the sort of club that will give Arne Slot time, but if things go Pete Tong this season, scrambling for European qualification of any kind and out of the Champions League, FSG might give a call to their retired legend Klopp, who has vowed his managerial days are over.

Manchester City – Expulsion from the Premier League
We finally know when the case against Man City and their 115 charges will begin and kind of when it will end. The outcome should come during the season and we couldn’t be more excited to see what happens, ignoring the devil on our shoulder telling us they will get a slap on the wrist and nothing more.

That cute little angel reckons they are gonna get crucified. Maybe there are two devils, actually.

Some reports and ‘experts’ have suggested that expulsion from the Premier League should not be ruled out. Let’s run with it, then…

Manchester United – Underperforming stars thrive
Marcus Rashford, Casemiro, Mason Mount, Andre Onana and Rasmus Hojlund are just a few Man Utd players who have several doubters. And that doesn’t even include any new arrivals. They are going to prove those doubters wrong in a productive season for them all. Is predicting over £200m worth of talent to be good at football really a hot take? It is when it’s Manchester United…

Newcastle United – Third-place finish
Without Europe in 22/23, Newcastle comfortably finished fourth. They will get top four again this season if they can defend how they did two years ago. They probably need two more signings, mind. A centre-back and right-winger and they should not be missing out on Champions League qualification given the changes going on elsewhere. And Man City’s expulsion, of course.

Nottingham Forest – Morgan Gibbs-White FC
It’s going to be a very productive year for Morgan Gibbs-White. The best of his career, by a long way. Forest might struggle but he is going to be amazing, scoring 10 goals and providing 15 assists, making his England debut and being in the Player of the Year conversation.

Southampton – Equalling Derby’s points record
Deemed an unbreakable record by most, known as an unwanted record by everyone, Derby County accumulated a whopping 11 points in the 07/08 campaign, which was not enough to keep them in the Premier League.

Nobody has recorded the same or less points since but that is all about to change. Meet Southampton. They try to play football ‘the right way’. That won’t fly in Our League, fellas. Look at what happened to Burnley last season. It worked in the Championship for them and they were doomed from the off after being promoted as champions. Southampton came up via the play-offs. They are screwed, people. Screwed!

Tottenham – Win a trophy
We understand how ridiculous this hitherto completely acceptable feature has become by claiming Tottenham Hotspur will win a trophy. An actual trophy. Not the Audi Cup.

They fell at the first hurdle in the Carabao Cup last season and were unfortunate to draw Man City in the fourth round of the FA Cup, and barring a similar draw in 24/25, we fancy the chances of Ange Postecoglou’s side.

They have a chance in the Europa League and both cup competitions. Tottenham fans will take finishing 10th if it wins them a Carabobbins. No trophy in 16 years is crap. Luckily, our crystal ball says they will get some long-awaited silverware.

West Ham – Rubbish with the occasional scalp
Europe this, amazing new signings that; West Ham are going to finish 12th, lads. Let’s face it. They will, at least, randomly beat two of the ‘Big Six’ away from home. It’s going to be a weird year, we promise.

Wolves – Gary O’Neil, England manager
Does exactly what it says on the tin, this. An impressive start to the season will see England come calling, in an appointment that will be as underwhelming as it sounds.

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