Yes, we are ranking every Premier League signing this season. Yes, we have already done 184-139. Yes, it’s not entirely serious.
138) Cedric Soares (Southampton to Arsenal, loan)
Like a tribute to Denis Suarez. And Kim Kallstrom.
137) Wai-Tsun Dai (Oxford to Wolves, undisclosed)
A little bit of a Dream Team plotline, this one. Bury to Oxford to Wolves, without playing a game at the Kassam Stadium but having spent a few months on loan at Utrecht’s youth team? Okay then.
136) Gedson Fernandes (Benfica to Tottenham, loan)
Not really anything at all, is he? Apart from yet another favour to Jorge Mendes.
135) Lukas Rupp (Hoffenheim to Norwich, £450,000)
Hard to get excited about those two Premier League starts. Remember when people wrote articles about Norwich’s recruitment?
134) Jota (Birmingham to Aston Villa, £4m)
Great hair. His finest contribution has still been the taking of a Danny Drinkwater headbutt. Which sounds more exciting than it probably was.
133) Danny Welbeck (Arsenal to Watford, free)
Now officially in the hard-to-watch category. Injuries haven’t been kind and, no, this was not a risk worth taking.
132) Fabian Delph (Manchester City to Everton, £8.5m)
His most effective moment all season was his hardman routine in an Everton fan’s DMs. He’s had better.
131) Darren Randolph (Middlesbrough to West Ham, £4m)
Definitely better than Roberto.
130) Joel Senior (Curzon Ashton to Burnley, undisclosed)
Right-back, currently playing U23 football. No idea what Joel Junior is up to.
129) Ryan Cooney (Bury to Burnley, free)
Loaned out to Morecambe in January. Remember the name.
128) Vontae Daley-Campbell (Arsenal to Leicester, free)
127) Ludwig Francillette (Quetigny to Newcastle, free)
Surely he’s made up?
126) Romaric Yapi (PSG to Brighton, undisclosed)
19-year-old right-back with 18 League Cup minutes to his name. Hard to care just yet.
125) Henri Ogunby (Manchester City to Burnley, free)
Signed on a six-month deal until the end of the season, so still really on trial.
124) Goncalo Cardoso (Boavista to West Ham, £2.7m)
19? West Ham? Sullivan’s kid probably found him on Football Manager.
123) Cyriaque Mayounga (Lyon to Wolves, free)
Supposedly – supposedly – a really good player, but yet to be seen properly in Old Gold.
122) Andy Lonergan (unattached to Liverpool, free)
The first trophy of his entire career was the Super Cup. The second was the Club World Cup. Deal with it.
121) Charlie Gilmour (Arsenal to Norwich, free)
Loaned out to Dutch second division side Telstar at the beginning of the season.
120) Jarrad Branthwaite (Carlisle to Everton, £750,000)
17, so we’ll give that one time. Especially as his Wikipedia page is really, really short.
119) Ali Reghba (Bohemians to Leicester, undisclosed)
Two goals in PL2. From 14 games. And he’s a forward.
118) Mason Barrett (West Ham to Watford, free)
Seen briefly in the FA Cup, but not since.
117) Phil Jagielka (Everton to Sheffield United, free)
Probably does the cones at training, helps out with the social media when he can. Nice story, though.
116) Ryan Sessegnon (Fulham to Tottenham, £25m)
So broken by his relegation experience that he’s now afraid of the ball.
115) Nicolas Pepe (Lille to Arsenal, £72m)
As Arsenal as Arsenal has ever been. Soft.
114) Kion Etete (Notts County to Tottenham, undisclosed)
Now playing in an academy which has lost its head, at a club with an aversion to youth. There are better situations.
113) Leonardo Campana (Barcelona SC to Wolves, free)
Not seen in the Premier League. Not even used in the Europa League, which is a concern.
112) Melvin Sitti (Sochaux to Norwich, undisclosed)
Blank face emoji.
111) Stephen Henderson (Nottingham Forest to Crystal Palace, free)
Back-up goalkeeper to Wayne Hennessey. How damning.
110) Ibrahim Amadou (Sevilla to Norwich, loan)
Loan cancelled halfway through the season. Now at Leganes.
109) Scott Carson (Derby to Manchester City, loan)
The universe paying him back for that terrible night against Croatia. Welcome to the best job in football.
108) Ravel Morrison (Ostersunds to Sheffield United, free)
Should have been fascinating, was actually pointless. Bounced out to Boro in January.
107) Joe Hardy (Brentford to Liverpool, undisclosed)
After 40 goals in 80 games for Brentford’s second team, three goals in as many games for Liverpool U23s. And eight FA Cup minutes. But is that enough at 21?
106) Callum Whelan (Manchester United to Watford, free)
The fella wearing the No. 42 shirt must think he has the answer to life, the universe and everything.
105) Nigel Lonwijk (PSV to Wolves, £200,000)
Who among us will ever forget his 67 minutes in the 5-0 U18 Premier League victory over Middlesbrough.
104) Ralf Fahrmann (Schalke to Norwich, loan)
Played 22 minutes, went off injured and hasn’t been heard in Premier League parlance from since.
103) Jack Rodwell (unattached to Sheffield United, free)
It’s over. Let’s all just accept that now, shall we?
102) Mitchell Clark (unattached to Leicester, free)
You simply cannot argue with four games undefeated on loan at Port Vale.
101) Louie Barry (Barcelona to Aston Villa, £880,000)
Washed out of Barca’s academy after ten years at West Brom. Nothing to know just yet.
100) Jonas Lossl (Huddersfield to Everton, free)
It doesn’t seem like Jordan Pickford is feeling the competition, does it?
99) Tom Dele-Bashiru (Manchester City to Watford, free)
Scored an FA Cup goal during Watford’s run, but is still awaiting a Premier League debut.
98) Michael Verrips (KV Mechelen to Sheffield United, free)
Young Dutch goalkeeper who has played internationally at U20 level. Might be needed if United lose Dean Henderson in the summer. One appearance so far.
97) Sepp van den Berg (PEC Zwolle to Liverpool, £1.3m)
Made a single FA Cup appearance. Looks… fine?
96) Taylor Richards (Manchester City to Brighton, £2.5m)
Checkatrade fodder for now, but supposedly a good player. See you back here in 2022.
95) Kaylen Hinds (unattached to Watford, free)
22 years old now and hasn’t played a league game of any sort since 2018. For Greuther Furth’s second team.
94) Sam McCallum (Coventry to Norwich, undisclosed)
Loaned back to Coventry, will join properly in the summer.
93) Ben Osborn (Nottingham Forest to Sheffield United, £3m)
And back to the Championship he will go…