Ronaldo has only 65 days to seal ‘last-gasp Man Utd exit chance’ in, erm, £255m megadeal

Editor F365
Manchester United forward Ronaldo in happier days

Ronaldo had better get a wriggle on if he wants to go to Saudi Arabia (he doesn’t), while Tyrell Malacia is on an anodyne mission.


Rush hour
The dictionary definition of the term ‘last-gasp’ is ‘done at the last possible moment, typically in desperation’, so we will let you decide how appropriate you believe this particular headline to be…

‘Cristiano Ronaldo receives stunning £211m transfer offer in last gasp Man Utd exit chance’

So at ‘the last possible moment’ – just six weeks before the English transfer window closes – Ronaldo has been presented with a Manchester United exit chance. It’s really gone to the wire.

And what is this last-gasp (yes, it has a hyphen) exit chance?

‘Cristiano Ronaldo has reportedly been offered the chance to leave Manchester United and earn a whopping £211million in Saudi Arabia.’

Well, then he really does need to get a wriggle on because the Saudi Arabian transfer window shuts in just 65 days on September 17.


What’s in a NUMBER?
That £211m number is clearly not enough for the MailOnline, who would like BIGGER numbers, BIGGER capitals and BIGGER headlines, please.

‘Cristiano Ronaldo ‘is offered £250MILLION megadeal to sign for a Saudi Arabian club’ amid uncertainty over his Manchester United future with the unnamed team putting up £105m-a-year salary for two years, £25m transfer fee and a bonus for his agent!’

What’s worse? Adding up all the numbers to make a MASSIVE number even though Cristiano Ronaldo has been offered nothing of the sort? Or adding up all the numbers wrong so that £210m, £25m and £20m magically makes £250m (sorry MILLION)? You could have had an even bigger number, you big dafties.


Warning! Warning!
Manchester United’s first and so far only signing Tyrell Malacia is ‘on a mission’ and has been ‘warning’ Luke Shaw, according to The Sun.

That sounds like big talk from the Dutchman. Let’s take a look at that big talk in full.

“Of course it’s everybody’s aim. You always want to play, so you have to work hard for it.”

He really does mean business.

“There are some good left-backs here, Telles, Brandon, Luke, me, so you have to work hard and prove yourself in training and in the end the coach will make a decision.”

F***ing hell, he’s held absolutely nothing back there.

‘Asked if he is confident he can swing the opinion of new manager Erik ten Hag, he said: “Of course, always.”‘

Three words: Cocky little sh*t.

And according to The Sun website, who have added a lovely little graphic to this revelatory story – by Neil Custis – that Manchester United’s new signing wants to play for Manchester United…

‘Tyrell Malacia warns Luke Shaw that he is on a mission to take his Man Utd left-back spot – and stats back up Dutchman’

And the accompanying graphic tells us that yes, Malacia is absolutely right to think he can usurp Shaw because third-placed Feyenoord won more games and kept more clean sheets than sixth-placed Premier League side Manchester United last season. That’s settled then. No wonder they want to buy the whole sodding team.


Warn! What is it good for?
Obviously, we should not single out The Sun on this because every f***er was at it…

‘Tyrell Malacia sends warning to Luke Shaw over Manchester United first team place’ (Metro, where the hyphen key is presumably broken)

‘Tyrell Malacia sends Luke Shaw firm warning over place in Erik ten Hag’s Man Utd XI’ (Mirror, upgrading the going/warning to ‘firm’)

‘Tyrell Malacia sends veiled warning to Luke Shaw as Man Utd left-back race hots up’ (Teamtalk know that if it’s not actually a warning and is just an entirely anodyne quote, add an element of mystery. Proper pros.)


David McDonnell’s back-page story in the Daily Mirror is kind of old-fashioned and sweet as he writes that the imminent arrival of Lisandro Martinez ‘will lead to the departures of Phil Jones, Eric Bailly and Axel Tuanzebe’. Because of course what was keeping that trio at Manchester United to make five Premier League starts last season was a lack of competition.


Admission impossible
But what’s this in the Manchester Evening News?

‘Manchester United boss Erik ten Hag makes Eric Bailly admission after Liverpool FC performance’

This looks tasty. What did he admit? That Bailly was a bit sh*t really? That he will be sold along with Jones and Axel Tuanzebe now that Lisandro Martinez is on his way?

‘Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag has admitted that Eric Bailly’s impressive second-half performance against Liverpool in Bangkok on Tuesday has not given him a selection headache.’

Sorry, what? Can you admit that something has not happened. And specifically, can you admit something has not happened when it’s highly likely that you didn’t understand the question because English is not your first language?

Watch his full ‘admission’ here:

The ‘who?’ is lovely, by the way.


Doubting Thomas
Main headline on MailOnline football:

”We need new quality players… or there’s NO CHANCE’: Thomas Tuchel demands MORE Chelsea signings to follow £47.5m Raheem Sterling and £34m Kalidou Koulibaly, but forwards ‘aren’t a priority”

Sounds a bit greedy, right? What did he actually say?

“The signing of Raheem shows what we’re capable of doing, it shows the ambition of the club and the ownership and it’s good because we’re all here to win and compete.

“We love to compete and we love the challenge at the very top. For that we need signings of new quality players or otherwise there’s no chance.”

It’s almost like he was only talking about signing Sterling as he is Chelsea’s only official signing, and it’s not actually a story at all. Though we have to applaud the lovely use of CAPITALS.