Sandro Tonali is a ‘strutting alpha male’ as £100m Caicedo truth is obscured

Some absolute bumfluff about Harry Kane comes first but one man has fallen hard for Sandro Tonali while Moises Caicedo fee is inflated…

First the wurst
When football hits the front pages, it is generally one of three things: a) England are about to play a massive game at a major tournament, b) a footballer has done A Bad Thing or c) it’s absolute and total bollocks – usually with a large helping of xenophobia.

Now England are about to play a massive game at a major tournament, but it’s the women so f*** that, frankly. So it’s c) and what a right load of absolute and total bollocks this is.

The Sun: It’s our wurst nightmare! #TomorrowsPapersToday pic.twitter.com/ZHWoyCljeh

— George Mann (@sgfmann) August 13, 2023

Why the hell it would be anybody’s worst/wurst (hilarious) nightmare that Kane’s fourth child could play for Germany is one thing – and it really is quite a big thing – but more importantly, it’s simply not true.

ENGLAND captain Harry Kane’s new baby could be born in Munich — and­ ­eligible to play for Germany.

Nope. That’s not how Germany’s citizenship rules work. Here they are for anybody interested.

You might have reasonably expected a journalist to check that.

Sources said Kate scouted homes – and hospitals – in a secret visit to Munich at the end of July, and the baby could be born in the German city.

He or she would then be eligible to hold dual nationality — and could choose to play for England or their great footballing rivals.

First, that ‘secret’ visit was detailed by The Athletic on Saturday. And second, no, that’s not how ‘dual nationality’ works. Unless Kane’s wife Kate is secretly (and that would actually be a secret) German, their children would not automatically be German, regardless of where they were born.

Other than it being a) factually wrong and b) absolute nonsense, it’s a brilliant front-page exclusive that is in no way designed to make you forget that all the actual news is shit.

Tonality
Elsewhere, there was some actual Premier League football this weekend and the big winners were Newcastle, top of the nascent Premier League table.

Making a very good debut for Newcastle was new signing Sandro Tonali, who was excellent in midfield as he scored the opener and had a hand in several other goals in an emphatic 5-1 win.

So far, so good. But one swallow does not make a summer etc. Unless you are Craig Hope of the Daily Mail, who has fallen so, so hard.

Sandro Tonali was the strutting alpha male who mixed style with substance on Hollywood-style debut in Newcastle’s rout of Aston Villa

‘Strutting alpha male’? Has there ever been a more Mail headline? All that’s missing is some hate speech about boats and migrants.

His superb volley, after six minutes, was the fastest ever strike by a Newcastle player on debut in the Premier League. At the point of contact, it was the image from which murals are made. Never mind a magpie, here was an eagle, his wingspan at its maximum, his body totally airborne, his right leg hooked like a claw. His prey never stood a chance. It evoked memories of Bryan Robson’s flying volley against France at the 1982 World Cup in Spain.

It was a good goal but f***ing hell.

Tonali has been compared to countryman Andrea Pirlo, a likeness played down by the player and other observers. But here is where they are strikingly similar – they play like alpha males, a supreme confidence that borders on arrogance. They are stylish in everything they do, yet there is substance too.

As Twitter/X trolls would say: He’s not going to shag you, mate.

Spare a thought for poor Alexander Isak, who scored twice and finally got a mention in the tenth paragraph of Hope’s report.

Moises basket
Question for the BBC‘s Simon Stone: Does he still think that Liverpool ‘out-negotiated and out-manoeuvred‘ Chelsea for Moises Caicedo?

He is certainly keen in his latest story to emphasise that ‘Chelsea have agreed a deal to sign Brighton midfielder Moises Caicedo for a British record fee of £115m’ even though it’s not a British record fee until several add-ons are, well, added on.

The fee means Chelsea will break the British record twice in 2023, following the £107m purchase of Argentina midfielder Enzo Fernandez in January.

Nope. The fee means that Chelsea might eventually break the British record twice (but certainly not in 2023) but right now they have pledged to pay Brighton less than what Arsenal paid West Ham for Declan Rice.

It takes Stone six paragraphs to mention that Chelsea are initially paying £100m, which is actually less than Liverpool pledged to pay on Friday, when Liverpool apparently ‘taught Chelsea something about negotiation with this deal’.

Mind you, Stone is not alone in this regard.

‘Chelsea are set to break the British transfer record for the second time in seven months after agreeing an £115m deal to sign the Brighton midfielder Moisés Caicedo’ – The Guardian.

Nope.

‘Chelsea are set to smash the British transfer record for the second time this year after reaching an agreement with Brighton for the £115 million transfer of Moises Caicedo’ – Daily Telegraph.

Nope.

We could go on but it would bore you and us; everybody is claiming this is a British record transfer because that fits the Chelsea spending narrative. The reality is that they are paying Brighton the £100m they wanted all along.