Teetotal father Harry Kane gets up at 6.30am; knight him

Date published: Wednesday 23rd May 2018 11:15

Citizen Kane
The back pages of Wednesday’s newspapers are dominated by the news that the new England captain says they can win the World Cup. This is described as a ‘WORLD CUP STUNNER’ (The Sun) and a ‘WORLD CUP WAR CRY’ (Daily Mail). Now Mediawatch has seen Harry Kane speak many times and he has never ‘roared’ (The Sun) anything in his life.

As we have said many times before: If the exact opposite is more interesting, it is not a story, never mind a back-page story. What the hell did you expect him to say? That England have nary a chance because, well, have you seen their midfield options?

Kudos, though, to the Daily Express, who have almost the full house in English tabloid bingo: The Royal Wedding, patriotism and football. All they’re missing is a weather update, somebody blaming the immigrants and a doctor claiming that broccoli causes/prevents cancer.

 

Blessed
He truly is a prince though. And how do we know that? Because he was on holiday in the Bahamas and yet still watched the Royal Wedding.

Matt Lawton writes in the Daily Mail: ‘Bless him, he gets up with his fiancee at 6.30 in the morning (they were on a break in the Bahamas) to watch the Royal Wedding, declaring it ‘a special day’ and himself unashamedly ‘patriotic’.’

And Andy Dunn writes in the Daily Mirror: ‘The new skipper even got up at the crack of dawn to watch the Royal Wedding on Saturday.’

‘Bless him’? He ‘even got up’? It was 6.30am, not three in the bloody morning. This is a man who drinks no alcohol and has a 16-month-old child; it’s basically 11am.

 

Pretzel logic
While some journalists are falling over themselves to laud Captain Kane (‘Half an hour in the company of Harry Kane on Tuesday evening and one could see why Gareth Southgate chose to make him England’s youngest World Cup captain; younger even than Bobby Moore’ – Matt Lawton, Daily Mail), a bizarre dissenting voice comes from Dave Kidd in The Sun.

It’s over a year since Kidd wrote that the ‘old-fashioned’ and ‘middle-aged’ Kane was an England captain in waiting, predicting: ‘While no hard and fast decision has been made, there is every chance Kane will be captain of England for next summer’s World Cup finals in Russia.’

And now – with that prophecy realised – Kidd claims the decision ‘no longer looks the logical one’. And why? Because Jordan Henderson could win the Champions League as Liverpool captain.

‘IF Jordan Henderson ends up lifting the European Cup in Kiev on Saturday night, it is going to start looking like a strange decision from Gareth Southgate.’

Short answer: No it’s not.

Slightly longer answer: No it’s not, for the following reasons:

1) Jordan Henderson is not guaranteed a starting place for England; for example, he did not start their last game against Italy.

2) The result of one match in Kiev makes absolutely no difference to the England captaincy. If Liverpool lose, is it no longer a ‘strange decision’? Is it then a bullet dodged for England?

3) Steven Gerrard was not handed the England captaincy after his Liverpool side won the Champions League in 2005 and nobody thought that was odd.

4) Gareth Southgate probably knows more about the machinations of this England squad and its responses to both Kane and Henderson as captains than the Chief Sports Writer of The Sun.

 

Night time fool
The Guardian’s
Jamie Jackson is not a man for details. The Guardian’s Jamie Jackson is a man for blue Hawaiian shirts and bright yellow shorts. The Guardian’s Jamie Jackson is man with an alter-ego (Jamie Paradise) who has written a novel that will apparently result in you needing rehab. The Guardian’s Jamie Jackson is a man who claims that his as-yet-unpublished novel is the ‘debut novel of the year’.

So Mediawatch was not surprised to read this paragraph in a story from The Guardian’s Jamie Jackson about Manchester City’s pursuit of Riyad Mahrez…

‘The Algerian is in his nation’s World Cup squad so whether any transfer can be done before the tournament begins in Russia next month is in the balance.’

…but we were surprised that nobody else at The Guardian thought ‘wait a minute, they’re not even in the sodding World Cup’.

 

Emery and ivory
From Sun Online: ‘THOROUGH GUNNERS Unai Emery: Arsenal chief Ivan Gazidis reveals the club had ‘personal meetings’ with every candidate shortlisted to replace Arsene Wenger’

How very ‘thorough’ to interview all the candidates for the job; Mediawatch would have just put all the names into a hat and then announced Sol Campbell.

 

Unai Emery: The inside track
For all the in-depth latest on Unai Emery’s appointment we must of course go to the Daily Mirror website, where John Cross tells us that ‘it is believed that Emery was put in touch with Arsenal ten days ago as an experienced alternative to Manchester City’s Arteta’. So right about the time when Cross was telling us the Spaniard was ‘born to be Arsenal manager’.

Other headlines in their coverage include ‘The details of Emery’s contract revealed’ and – and this really is the biggie – ‘Arsenal fans joke they know why Emery was hired – and it’s because of Wenger’.

The story? That some Arsenal fans on Twitter have spotted that Emery sounds a bit like Emirates, just as Arsene sounds rather a lot like Arsenal.

And that really is literally that.

 

Contract talks
‘Unai Emery has signed a £6million-a-year deal to become the next Arsenal manager…Emery will pocket £24m if he stays put for the duration of his deal in north London’ – Daily Mirror.

‘Unai Emery said he is ‘thrilled to be joining one of the great clubs in the game’ after he was announced as the new Arsenal manager, replacing Arsene Wenger on a three-year deal worth £15million’ – Daily Mail.

 

Minute by minute
From The Sun online: ‘COLEEN Rooney almost flashed her boobs to a beach full of sunbathers as she struggled to limit her tan lines during her family holiday with Wayne and the kids.’

Tell us how…

‘Coleen looked determined to get as much of an all-over tan as she could, while maintaining her modesty.

‘She untied the straps of her bikini top to avoid awkward tan lines running up her chest.

‘And she quickly held on to the material as her bikini top threatened to roll down and expose her chest to all the other beach-goers.’

Phew.

Perverts.

 

Tweet of the day

 

Recommended reading of the day
Jonathan Wilson on Liverpool’s Champions League tactics
Richard Jolly on Unai Emery

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