Ten Hag will not be sacked and Liverpool will finish above Arsenal – it’s predictions season!
The Premier League starts up again tonight! Hurrah! Your Mailbox is thus, inevitably, full of predictions and that pure unbridled optimism that can only exist before reality kicks it right up the arse.
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Here we go again
Great. Another Premier League season. Another City cake walk. Stewie moaning after Arsenal drop points against Villa… ‘and we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow’.
Can Sky just get rid of that infernal Adele song and replace it with Del Amitri’s Nothing Ever Happens?
And we don’t even have a World Cup or Euros to distract us come May.
I don’t care who else puts a challenge in… just please – let it be someone other than Manchester Bloody City.
Graham Simons, Bored Gooner, Norf London
16 Predictions
Here’s a highly insightful list of predictions for the season, in no particular order:
1: Arsenal win the league comfortably after City suffer a severe injury crisis and the fallout from….
2: City are found guilty of 10/115 of the charges leading to a points deduction which for reasons no one can fathom is reduced on appeal to a fine.
3: City win the Champions League fuelled by the perceived injustice of the Red Clubs apparent vendetta against them.
4: All English teams make the quarters of the Champions League. Arsenal and City play each other in the semi and Villa go out to PSG having beaten Liverpool in the Quarter Finals
5: United win Europa League but finish 7th in the league playing half the season with no fit defenders (again).
6: Freed of Thursday night duties by United winning the cup, Newcastle finish 4th, qualifying for the Champions League.
7: Chelsea win the Europa Conference, completing the English clean sweep.
8: Chelsea also finish 5th and qualify for the Champions League by virtue of the English clubs dominance. That’s six English clubs in the champions league for 25/26. Don’t mention the Super League…
9: Spurs finish 6th and win nothing.
10: Villa finish 8th but are high on glory from their march to the Champions League and the League Cup semis where they lost to…
11: Ipswich make the final of the League Cup losing to City.
12: Ipswich join Southampton and Brighton (!) in being relegated.
13: Brighton’s manager is first to be sacked after 10 games having gained just 3 points against Manchester United.
14: Ten Hag will not be sacked.
15: United will be knocked out of the FA Cup due to a dodgy VAR decision.
16: Arsenal will win the FA Cup having already won the title earlier in the season.
Ash (Bonus Prediction: someone will tell me that six teams in the Champions League is impossible) Metcalfe
Alternative predictions
Premier league predictions are never 100% correct, but they do tend to fall within narrow parameters.
Pick any 4 from 6 and you’ll probably get most of the Champions League spots, and 3 from six and you’ve likely nailed a few for the drop, top scorer is a no contest. Maybe you’ll do a worldie and pick some rando from Brentford as best signing but otherwise it all gets a bit samey.
So I’ve decided to do some big swing predictions for this season. Things that aren’t super likely but I think are on the table.
In order of most to least likely.
1. Erik Ten Hag to last the whole season
Seems to be at the top of everyone’s sack list, which seems pretty daft to me, so daft that it’s the only reason it’s on my list of big swings.
Utd talked to everyone this summer, and chose ten hag. Utd are reluctant to pay his compensation with psr concerns. Utd have triggered his extension which means his compensation is likely to be larger now than at the end of last season. Utd would have to really try to be any worse than they were last year. INEOS are briefing they want to give him a go with proper support, meaning a pre-December hooking would undermine them and their message.
I’m not convinced he’ll be there at the start of next season but before the end of this one? Just can’t see it happening.
2. Ipswich to stay up.
Okay, look, we’re still not far off the beaten path here I get it. But, Ipswich are currently second favourites for the drop and would probably be favourites if it weren’t for the points deductions were expecting for Leicester.
But I watched them a lot last year and they aren’t just some system team likely to go the way of Burnley. They aren’t man city but worse.
Squad quality may be an issue but there’s a huge variety in the way they play, a range of passing and progressive line breaking. They always have options, there’s always a backup plan. I think they might just catch a few (enough?) teams out.
3. Chelsea to have 3 managers.
Sorry Maresca mate, I think you’re a decent coach, but you’re clearly just the latest fall guy and the mad lads in charge are still on a bender.
He’ll be gone before Christmas, there’ll be an interim. Then we’ll get someone daft like John Terry to close it out. They’ll still finish 7th or something.
4. Brighton to go down.
They were rubbish for the vast majority of last season. They haven’t had a brilliant transfer window (so far), and they have a 31yr old in charge.
Now look, Hurzeler looks decent, may well be the next best manager ever etc. but experience can tell. It feels like Brighton are sailing close to the wind in a few areas, and reducing their margin for error.
In the Prem, it doesn’t take a lot to go wrong before things go really wrong. I say this as a Swansea fan, former holders of the “that’s how you run a club” crown.
I’d kill for a playoff run this year.
5. Liverpool to finish above Arsenal.
Right. Look. Sorry Arsenal fans but I just don’t think you’re gonna keep this up for 3 seasons. I don’t think you’ve strengthened where you need to strengthen and this is the year that Arteta will have to prove he can win. He’s never stuck me as someone good at handling pressure.
These are big swing predictions, of course, but – Zubimendi fumbles aside – I just think there’s something quietly confident about Slot and Liverpool in the build up to this season. Who needs Klopp?
6. Pep Guardiola to leave before the end of the season
The hearing is coming, with a verdict expected in Jan/Feb. Guardiola has said in the past that if they’re guilty of cheating he’ll leave. He seems to be hedging his bets on a new contract already. He has nothing else to prove in this county/football anywhere.
If they’re found guilty, I can see him walking purely to protect his reputation/integrity.
A massive swing for sure, but there’s a non-zero chance.
7. Man Utd to win the league
Bear in mind I think this is less likely than Guardiola walking. But it would be funny wouldn’t it?
For all the doom and gloom about last season Utd were only a few games away from 4th last year. Given how sh*t they were at closing games out when they were ahead, you’re probably only looking at about 25 minutes’ worth of decent defending from being in the champions league this season.
And that’s despite how utterly awful they were.
They’ve rearranged the coaching staff, strengthened heavily in defence, brought in a forward who should get the best out of their wingers, and seem to be trying to get at least a few more in before the deadline closes.
There’s also something in the story. Big Jim the local boy done good, working class hero (for anyone who doesn’t actually work for him), die hard definitely-not-a-Chelsea fan, returning to sort his club out and taking them to the top in his first season.
It requires a right royal biffing-up from at least 3 teams that are definitely better than them, and about 4 teams that are probably about as good as them. But then, Leicester won it a few years back didn’t they?
G, Swansea
United and Ten Hag will be absolutely fine
Good day to you all, not written in for a while but I thought I would seeing as so much is being pontificated about our manager and new signings.
Firstly ETH, according to bookies he is the favourite for the sack which in my humble opinion is quite frankly pathetic, INEOS have decided to stick with him and give him the tools he needs to make United a competing team again, why would they then get rid at the first sign of trouble? The signings are excellent and all the bullsh*t regarding De Ligt is just that bullsh*t, half-baked bollocks spouted by so called pundits (I include Scholes in this) with no actual grasp of the truth.
The Bayern fans set up a petition regarding the sale of De Ligt asking why they were selling their best defender, the myopic view of Dier keeping him out of the side is ludicrous because of the 15 games Dier played for Bayern De Ligt was his partner in 14 of those games. After watching the Community Shield you could see Ten Hag’s plans start to come forth, United were the better side in the game and should have won before the actual penalty shoot-out, I realise it was a glorified friendly but let’s just see what happens against Fulham before throwing the guy under a bus.
I still think we need a top-class midfielder (Ugarte, Fofana) but I certainly think we are moving in the right direction under INEOS and ETH.
Lastly can I just say Scouse Twitter was glorious the other day, first we had Zubimendi trending with the Pool fans telling us all “When Liverpool knock you come running” and “Liverpool are just different” then a few hours later when he said he was staying “FSGOUT” was trending with the Scousers telling us all, “get them out they’re killing our club” Don’t worry lads you can have the Glazers with pleasure because as you keep telling United fans “They spend money”
Bring on the season, enjoy everyone.
Paul Murphy, Manchester
French Gunners
Is there a better non-British country XI from a single English club you can think of? I’m sure you will get a lot of this country/club but…
GK – Warmuz
RB – Sagna
CB – Gallas
CB – Koscielny
LB – Clichy
CM – Vieira
CM – Petit
LW – Pires
RW – Wiltord
ST – Anelka
ST – Henry
Subs: Debuchy, Silvestre, Diaby, Diarra, Giroud, Flamini, Nasri
Sure Guillaume Warmuz never played for Arsenal in his 6 months there, but I reckon you could play Serie A Goalkeeper of the month Olivier Giroud in goal for this team and they’d still win the league at a canter.
Jonathan
On Arsenal optimism
Arsenal would finish 2nd in a one horse race. This is not a jibe, it’s a fact. They should have won the last two Premier League titles. Arsenal are the “Almost had you” Fast and the Furious meme.
Dale (how will Gabriel defend this year now that wrestling is outlawed?) Denton