The Page That Doesn’t Want To Miss A Thing

Date published: Thursday 1st January 1970 12:00 -

The Page That Doesn't Want To Miss A Thing

Headline on the Daily Star website: ‘Karim Benzema to be unveiled as Arsenal player before kick-off against Liverpool.’

Mediawatch will be truly astonished if this does not happen; indeed, we are very much looking forward to it.

Five More Ridiculous Headlines From Far More Successful Websites
* ‘Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger discusses sensational £124 double deal ahead of Liverpool clash’ – The Daily Star. Yes, it does say £124. And no, it’s not about Arsenal actually buying anybody. Don’t be so sodding naive.

* ‘Man Utd, Arsenal and Chelsea on alert for Real Madrid stars as Benitez feels the heat’ – Daily Express. Way to SEO the actual f*** out of a Real Madrid report.

* ‘Man United ‘hire gifted closer to seal transfer of talented technician’ – Metro. Nope. Nor us.

* ‘Man United transfer news: ‘World record bid, shock £95m offer, incredible speedster close’ – Metro. They’re taking the p*** now, right?

* ‘Sterling enjoys that winning feeling at Manchester City’ – Mailonline. It’s Raheem Sterling ‘out in Manchester’ and he’s smiling.

Howard’s Way
Steven Howard, The Sun, August 21: ‘Pedro is a decent enough player though hardly in the Messi-Neymar-Suarez class. Would he have been an improvement on Memphis Depay, Juan Mata, Ashley Young or Adnan Januzaj?’

Steven Howard, The Sun, August 24: ‘Within ten minutes the £21.25million man struck again on a debut that suggests he could be the buy of the season.’

Robbie Savage: A Reminder
On August 7, Robbie Savage tipped Manchester United to win the title and Manchester City to finish fifth.

But remember, folks: ‘This is how I expect the next nine months to unfold before a ball is kicked.’

It’s okay to change your mind once you realise you were talking sh*t.

Oh bugger. Sorry Manchester City but The Sun’s Merseyside man Phil Thomas has referred to the ‘Etihad title express’. Regular Mediawatch readers will note what happened to the last side Thomas described as ‘an express train of an outfit’ who ‘simply don’t slip up anymore’.

On The Wayne
Alan Shearer admits in The Sun that Wayne Rooney looks like a player ‘short of a yard of pace, short on fitness and very short on confidence’. It’s not his fault though. If only Manchester United had appointed Steve Bruce like Shearer suggested last summer; they must be kicking themselves now.

‘I feel a bit sorry for him,’ says Shearer. ‘The system United are playing simply does not suit any lone frontman.’

Question for you, Alan: Would it suit Rooney a little better if he wasn’t short of pace or fitness? Or is it really all Louis van Gaal’s fault?

‘Juan Mata does not go beyond him, neither does Adnan Januzaj,’ says Shearer, who clearly did not notice that both Januzaj and Memphis Depay had average touch positions beyond the striker, despite noting that ‘he was trying to play all the positions he has been asked to operate in over recent times’. So Rooney was not keeping his position, but you’re complaining that nobody was getting beyond him (even though they did)? Right.

‘There was not one proper opportunity carved out by the home side on Saturday,’ he continues, before detailing the chance from which Rooney scored an offside goal (though obviously it was onside, according to the spokesperson for the strikers’ union).

‘It was only when Hernandez came on to support Rooney that United looked like opening Newcastle up,’ says Shearer, who then says ‘only when Michael Carrick came on did we see a player willing to get the ball forward early and with pace’.

Hernandez came on in the 66th minute and Carrick entered the fray in the 58th minute. So it’s bizarre that United produced four on-target shots and one offside goal in the opening 15 minutes. And incredibly bizarre that Shearer’s own newspaper awarded man-of-the-match honours to Newcastle goalkeeper Tim Krul for eight saves he made against a side that created nothing.

Confirmation Bias
In the Daily Mirror’s match report from Chelsea’s win at West Brom, John Cross writes a throwaway line that Jose Mourinho ‘celebrated by screaming into a pitch-side microphone’.

On the back page (yes, the back page) of The Sun, this was proof that Mourinho is ‘MAD IN CHELSEA’ and that he has ‘lost the plot’. It was a ‘bizarre rant’, you see.

For f***’s sake.

Stars On 45
Would you like to be PA to Jermain Defoe and his family? Expect to be busy. There are 45 different jobs listed here as responsibilities if you wish to work for ‘a high profile individual within the sports industry’.

These include the vague (‘Working on certain projects and carrying out research’), the demeaning (‘Regularly checking the home when Jermain is away, making sure all is in place for his return i.e. fridge is stocked and plants watered and house is clean’), the impossible (‘To create a global brand for the Jermain Defoe name’) and the fanciful (‘Create his own clothing line/Fragrance for e-commerce on his website’).

So yeah. ‘Develop me a comprehensive online marketing strategy and FILL MY FRIDGE, b*tch.’

Scent From Above
Her: Wow. You smell amazing? What’s that you’re wearing?

Him: This? It’s Defoe – the unmistakeable scent of a penalty-box poacher.

Her: Thought so. You smell like a man who makes no contribution outside the area. Please have sex with me.

Worst Intro Of This Or Any Other Day
‘Wilfried Zaha has been warned to watch his back at Crystal Palace – or rather, his Bakary’ – Paul Jiggins, The Sun.

Worst Headline Of The Day
‘SPIRIT OF JT LIVES ON IN GUTSY BLUES’ – Really, Daily Mirror? Really?

Non-Football Story Of The Day
‘A BLUNDERING Scots council is welcoming visitors with a Gaelic sign that says ‘Penis Island’. The sign welcoming ferry passengers to Bute has been in place for at least six years but it has only just come to light that it is missing a vital Gaelic punctuation sign. The result is that instead of reading “Welcome to the beauty of the Isle of Bute”, the sign proclaims ‘Welcome to the Beauty of Penis Island’. A missing accent on just one word changed “Bhòid meaning ‘Bute’ to ‘Bod’ – which is Gaelic for the male member’ – The Scotsman.

Thanks to today’s Mediawatch spotter Tom Mitchell. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.

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