The Page That Is Beginning A New Era

Date published: Monday 24th August 2015 12:11

The Page That Is Beginning A New Era

Today’s Fuss About F*ck All
‘GROW UP!’ screams the back page of The Sun comic as they declare that ‘Wenger and Jose act like brats again’. Apparently, ‘ARSENE WENGER and Jose Mourinho turned their war of words into a Wembley farce’.

If Wenger and Mourinho are ‘brats’ that produced a ‘Wembley farce’, what does that make the national newspaper that gets so caught up in the utter nonsense of two adult men not shaking hands that they fail to mention the scorer of the game’s only goal on their back page?

It’s only a ‘farce’ because you have made it more important than the actual, you know, football. GROW UP.

Tiresome Talk
At least the Daily Mirror remembered that there had actually been some football at Wembley, with Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain’s ‘stunning goal’ mentioned in the second paragraph and a picture of triumphant Arsenal – rather than Jose Mourinho – dominating the back page. They did, though, go for ‘ARSENE 2 JOSE 0’ as the headline and some nonsense about their ‘feud plunging to new depths’ in the opening paragraph.

We will leave it to the Daily Mirror’s chief sports writer Dave Kidd to describe this coverage in his column: ‘Amid the tiresome talk of snubbed handshakes – and dear God it’s going to be a long season…’

Indeed. Have a word.

Sterling Exchange Rate
Everybody ‘learned’ five things from Arsenal’s Community Shield win over Chelsea. Of course they did. Chief amongst the educated is the Daily Telegraph’s Ben Rumsby, who learned that ‘Oxlade-Chamberlain is England’s best winger’. From 77 minutes of a non-competitive game. He’s better than Raheem Sterling apparently.

‘Not only did he terrorise one of the country’s best full-backs with his pace and skill, he had an end product to go with it – something that cannot always be said of Sterling – and scored a brilliant goal to boot. Over to you Raheem,’ writes Rumsby.

Premier League goals scored by Sterling – who cannot finish – last season: 7
Premier League goals scored by Oxlade-Chamberlain – who is ‘England’s best winger’ – last season: 1

Oh and Sterling took less than three minutes to score his first City goal in a friendly. Over to you, Alex.

Lesson Learned
Also learned by Ben Rumsby after one non-competitive match: ‘Petr Cech really could be worth 12-15 points for Arsenal this season.’

Apparently, ‘his mere presence seemingly causing Ramires and Eden Hazard to miss sitters from six yards’. For f***’s sake.

Ratings Slatings
The Sun may regret sending Mike McGrath to Wembley to do their player ratings; they probably should have chosen somebody who has ever actually watched the Gunners play. Our favourites include…

* Santi Cazorla given a 8/10 for his performance on the left wing but the ‘Gunners might be better off with an out-and-out winger’. Like Alexis Sanchez perhaps? Ever heard of him, fella?

* Mesut Ozil ‘looks to be at home behind the striker’. Where he usually plays.

* Cesc Fabregas was ‘jeered by Arsenal fans but got into the game more when the boos faded’. Or alternatively he ‘got into the game more’ when he was moved back into his usual position.

Arsenal, meet Mike; Mike, meet Arsenal.

Go Ape
According to the Daily Mail’s Martin Keown, Gary Cahill ‘is starting to look like their main man at centre back’.

Starting to? After just three years.

Not A Fine Messi
Incredibly churlish stuff once again from the Daily Mail’s Martin Samuel as he asks: ‘Who scored the winning goal in the Women’s FA Cup final? Messi. Messi always scores the goal in women’s football. There’s the Korean Messi – Chelsea’s match-winner Ji So-yun – England’s own Mini Messi (Fran Kirby, as dubbed by national manager Mark Sampson), the Dutch Messi (Vivianne Miadema) and America have actually got two Messis – Megan Rapinhoe and Alex Morgan.

‘Drop a shoulder or do a trick in the women’s game and that’s it: instant Messi. Yet the standard of Saturday’s match at Wembley was, once again, quite poor. Women’s football needs time to develop without its champions advancing any spark of talent as equivalent to a player who is the absolute pinnacle of the men’s game.’

See, you might think Martin Samuel is simply being a middle-aged white man expressing, at best, patronising and, at worst, misogynistic views, but actually he is simply just looking out for the ladies/girls/birds. Of course, male footballers never, ever nickname each other ‘Messi’ unless they are exactly as good as the man himself.

Tony! Toni! Tone!
It’s only three days since Sky Sports severed links with Football365 but they have already reached a startling new low: Asking Tony Cascarino to analyse Karim Benzema using Football Manager statistics.

Apparently ‘Rino prefers Robert Lewandowski because the Frenchman only scores 11/20 for work rate. Oh and he is “seriously worried” by Benzema being outscored for five seasons by a “winger”. He They should be ashamed. But they’re not.

TV Times
From Sunderland fan Louise Taylor’s Newcastle preview in The Guardian:

‘Steve McClaren’s long-term challenge is to raise the tone to the point where his team are more Prisoners of War than Homeland. The brilliant, most definitely three-dimensional, Israeli series (also known as Hatufim) on which Homeland is based, is big on the sort of subtlety, emotional intelligence, wonderful understatement and breathtaking changes of pace sometimes lacking in its American successor. McClaren hopes to eventually introduce a broadly similar sort of sophistication to Newcastle’s play.’

“But what about the signings, Louise? Will the behind-the-scenes mess affect things again? Will McClaren be able to…”

“…Sorry to interrupt. Have you watched that programme yet?”

Headline Of The Day
‘Di end of an error’ – The Sun.

Worst Headline Of The Day
‘IT’S A BLUE ROOUNION’ – The Daily Star.

Non-Football Story Of The Day
‘A Florida man attempted to chew off his fingerprints while in a patrol car to avoid being identified by the police. On Thursday, Lee County Sheriff detectives noticed a 2015 Mercedes that had been reported stolen and after stopping the vehicle, they found the driver, Kenzo Roberts, was using a fake ID, had a concealed firearm and possessed three fraudulent credit cards. Surveillance video shows Roberts unsuccessfully trying to bite off his own fingerprints while in the backseat of the patrol car. Lee County Sheriff officials say Roberts has two felony warrants for his arrest for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon’ – USA Today.

Thanks to none of you. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.

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