The Page That Is Not All

Doctor Love

Mediawatch has been pleasantly surprised by most of the coverage regarding Jose Mourinho’s public haranguing of Chelsea club doctor Eva Carneiro. Not for the fact that Carneiro has largely been defended for her actions (though we feel that stance is correct), but more for the lack of focus on her gender.

As Carneiro herself once said: “In every medical television programme I have ever watched in my life, the female doctor is hyper-sexualised. She goes off with Tom Cruise and it is all happy endings. Or she is not present.” The pertinent issue is not that Carneiro is female, but that she was doing her job correctly and erring on the side of caution.

As we say, we’ve been pleasantly surprised by *most* of the coverage.

Firstly comes an article on MailOnline. As you read each of the excerpts below, ask yourself whether this would have been mentioned should Carneiro have been male?

‘Dressing up as a sexy Cleopatra and getting soaked in the ice bucket challenge: How the alluring Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro became the most talked-about woman in football’

‘Football fans took to Twitter to deride the Blues boss with the hashtag #TeamEva, while others simply focused on Gibraltar-born Carneiro’s looks, with user Michael Hackney describing her as “one of the highlights of the Premier League”‘

‘Her pre-Raphaelite curls and toned figure have attracted the attention of many a fan but little is known about her love life’

‘While her presence online is low-key – her Twitter account has no posts and her Facebook profile is private’

‘Profile pictures posted on Twitter and Facebook reveal a less serious side to Carneiro; in one she is pictured tucking into an iced cupcake while another shows her love of horse-riding as she canters in what looks like a safari setting’

She’s a female medical professional, you see. So the important thing is whether she likes horse-riding and in what style she wears her hair.

Doctor No

The other slightly demoralising piece on Carneiro comes courtesy of Duncan Castles, journalist for the Sunday Times but writing for ONE World Sports. Castles has long been viewed by some as a mouthpiece for Jose Mourinho.

‘Chelsea doc demoted for more than mishap’, is the headline to Castles’ piece. Oooh, juicy. What else did Carneiro do to merit her treatment?

‘Mourinho is said to have held reservations about Carneiro’s role within the first-team squad since at least last year. While there is no question about her professional abilities, the Portuguese coach was concerned that the dressing room dynamic was affected by the presence of a female.’

Rough translation: Carneiro is being demoted for being a woman. Eesh.

‘According to a source, some players had expressed misgivings to the coaching staff about the set-up, arguing that it forced them to alter their usual behaviour in a team environment. Famous for his attention to detail, Mourinho has always sought to eliminate factors that might reduce his team’s likelihood to win matches.’

It’s hard not to laugh. Those precious players are less likely to win matches with a female around, because they can’t be as banterous as they would like. Dear goodness.

Bloody women; ruining everything with their periods, constant demand for pink ponies and appropriate medical knowledge.

Carneiro: The Final Word

However, when you want the final word on Eva Carneiro, the definitive answer, there is only one place to go. And that place is Derek McGovern’s column in the Daily Mirror.

‘Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro is the most attractive person in football according to a survey of me’, is McGovern’s take on football’s burning issue.

As ever, thanks for that. And people say misogyny still exists in football.

Outstanding Character

Said Joey Barton on his move to West Ham falling through after fans protested: “Obviously, with a character like myself there’s one or two who are not so kind or complimentary, that’s kind of par for the course with me these days.”

Being a “character” apparently constitutes stubbing a lit cigar into the eye of his young teammate Jamie Tandy, being involved in an altercation with a 15-year-old Everton fan at Manchester City’s team hotel in Bangkok, hospitalising teammate Ousmane Dabo after a training ground fight, being jailed for six months after admitting common assault and affray in Liverpool city centre and attacking three Manchester City players on the final day of the season, leading to a 12-match ban.

Oh what a cad.

Under Pressure

In Thursday’s Daily Mirror, Dave Kidd piles the pressure on Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal. The Dutchman is mocked up as a mad professor under the headline ‘LVG’s £250m experiment that dare not fail’.

‘As the imminent signing of Pedro brings Manchester United’s transfer spending under Louis Van Gaal to the brink of a quarter of a billion pounds, there can no longer be any excuses,’ Kidd begins. ‘When you spend £244million, you should be winning titles – and to win titles you must have a complete and well-balanced squad.’

Somebody’s changed their tune. Less than a year ago, Kidd wrote a piece about Manchester United after they had spent £150m in one summer.

‘It is impossible to entirely discount the idea of United breaking back into the top four this season’, Kidd said then. ‘But the odds are stacked against it and Van Gaal, who recently turned 63, will certainly be an OAP before they can seriously challenge for the title again. From the boardroom to the terraces, United is a club which needs to discover the virtue of patience.’

Now after a summer spend of £75m, with players sold for £55m, the title is a necessity. What about ‘needing to discover the virtue of patience’?

Key Aura

Sorry to Dave Kidd for sticking with his Daily Mirror column on Van Gaal, but something else stuck in Mediawatch’s throat.

‘Van Gaal’s arrogant eccentricity is engaging and strangely endearing but despite his A-grade CV, the Dutchman does not have the aura of Ferguson,’ Kidd writes.

Mediawatch will let you guess who wrote the following paragraphs last year:

‘This is what Van Gaal does when he takes a new job. He questions the established order. He wipes slates clean and tramples all over egos. Players are left in little doubt as to the identity of the alpha male.

‘Every other boss in United’s history will have taken the job in the knowledge that it represents the undoubted pinnacle of his career. Many, including David Moyes, have been overawed by this. Yet Van Gaal has won titles at Bayern Munich and Barcelona, he has conquered Europe with Ajax and twice managed his country.

‘But the only true solution is to start developing footballers again, which is precisely why Louis van Gaal – a coach capable of making good players better – has been employed’.

Sounds an awful lot like an ‘aura’ to us.

The Inside Track

The football may be back underway, but don’t think that that means the MailOnline‘s commitment to sporting soap opera has finished. Oh no.

‘Chelsea goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois accused of cheating on Spanish girlfriend with Miss Belgium hopeful’, reads their headline.

Weirdly, despite the story being about Chelsea’s goalkeeper, four of the first five images don’t include him at all. Instead they are provocative shots of the real subject of the story. Yet it’s labelled as sports news.

Don’t worry though, because there is a video too. Courtois’ best bits? No. The rise of the Belgian national team? No. ‘Get to know the stunning ‘Miss Earth Belgium’ Emily Vanhoutte’? Indeed.

The Big Sell

“We are hoping to conclude the Mason Holgate deal today yes – he is a great prospect coming into that golden generation we believe we have. I will never be upset about people asking about our players – I take it as a compliment and it shows what we are doing. But I have said he’s not for sale and that’s the end of it. From the outside it is a bit more volatile, and there is uncertainty, but we have always been clear, we have always known what we will do, and we are building towards success – we are not a selling club” – Everton manager Roberto Martinez.

1) Does having a ‘golden generation’ not depend on finishing in the top half?

2) Is Martinez expecting us to just forget about Marouane Fellaini, Mikel Arteta, Wayne Rooney and Joleon Lescott?

3) Guess who said this about Maroune Fellaini in August 2013: “There is no temptation [to sell]. In football you want to keep your best performers and that is where we are. Where we are is we want to keep out most influential players and build from that. We take it as a football compliment and move on.”

4) On Thursday, Everton signed Holgate, despite Barnsley manager Lee Johnson admitting he was desperate to keep the player. Presumably in that case the ambition was right to be realised, Bobby? And Barnsley right to be a selling club?

Spot The Difference

Martinez’s insistence that Everton are no longer a selling club rang a bell with Mediawatch, and after days of brain-racking, we’ve cracked it.

The following is a passage from Michael Calvin’s book The Nowhere Men, in which he speaks to Everton head of technical scouting James Smith. Smith is now employed by Manchester City in a similar role, after leaving Everton in 2013.

“Dortmund are the more realistic role model. They’ve built a team of young players, all with good re-sale values.

“You have to accept that every year you might have to sell one, and that will fund a period of evolution. So you sell a player for 15 and buy three for five million. The hope is that one of those will be sold for 15 in a year or two, and so it goes on. Everton can operate a bit like that.”

Or not, as the case may be.

How’s That For Thighs?

Congratulations for Tony Cascarino in The Times for providing us with our mental image of the day:

‘Mick Byrne would rub my legs leading up to matches and say: ‘these are thighs of thunder…’

Coincidentally, Mediawatch recalls seeing a show in Amsterdam with that exact name.

Unlikely Rumour Of The Day

‘Blackburn manager Gary Flitcroft wants AZ Alkmaar’s 6ft 4in Swedish forward Denni Avdic’ – The Sun.

Blackburn manager Gary Bowyer is going to be fuming when he finds out.

Tenuous Link Of The Day

‘Fresh faces include three Jordans recruited from France. Jordan Amavi, Jordan Ayew and Jordan Veretout – bought for a combined £30million – all started the opening-day win at Bournemouth.

‘There was a Jordan connection on the bench, too – Wilkins managed the country at the 2015 Asian Cup in January, beating Palestine but losing to Iraq and Japan’ – MailOnline.

Headline Of The Day

‘No Merci’ – The Sun on Roy Hodgson’s future. Superb.

Worst Headline Of The Day

‘He’s Thrill Clinton’ – The Sun. As in Bill.

Non-Football Story Of The Day

‘A man trying to impress a group of women on the dancefloor accidentally pooed himself.

‘In CCTV footage captured at a nightclub in Cardiff, the man – drink in hand – does a series of ‘slut drops’ in front of a trio of a women. But he overdoes it. And his bowels give way. When he gets up from the third ‘slut drop’ he grabs the back of his shorts and shuffles away awkwardly towards the toilets.

‘”He was trying so hard to impress the opposite sex that he ended up dancing the c*** out of himself,’ said a friend of the man. ‘He had a bad stomach the night before we left. He wasn’t going to go but I forced him to come, so partly my fault!”‘ – Metro

Thanks to Matt Porter, Graham Harris and all who sent in the poo dance thing. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.