Don’t Know Much About Algebra
Strong work all round from Richard Tanner in the Daily Express on Wednesday.
‘£8m Otamendi is snip for City’ reads the headline on his piece. The claim is that City will not pay a high fee for Nicolas Otamendi because Valencia still owe money for Alvaro Negredo.
‘Manchester City are set to sign Valencia defender Nicolas Otamendi for as little as £8m,’ Tanner begins.
‘Valencia and City have agreed a £31m valuation for Otamendi but because the Spanish club still owe £24m for striker Alvaro Negredo, City are expected to pay only the difference.’
So if Otamendi is a ‘snip’ at £8m, that basically means that City have allowed Negredo to leave for absolutely nothing. We would say that is very much a ‘snip’ for Valencia.
Also, while Mediawatch is used to the Express writing sensationalist nonsense, we’re less used to such obvious fails in basic subtraction.
£31m – £24m = £7m, fella.
Have A Word With Him
Writes Ian Ladyman in the Daily Mail on Wednesday: ‘Over the weekend, when it became clear that Paris St-Germain would listen to offers for centre forward Zlatan Ibrahimovic, it was soon apparent Manchester United would not be getting involved. The Swede isn’t seen as the right fit for this team.’
If Ladyman knew this over the weekend, he might have given Daily Mail colleague Sami Mokbel the heads-up.
‘Zlatan Ibrahimovic told he can leave PSG this transfer window with Manchester United and Arsenal on look out for a striker,’ was the headline on that Mokbel piece.
On the look-out for a striker. Just not that striker.
In his Daily Mail column on Wednesday, Martin Samuel touts Alan Pardew for a role with the England Under-21s, allowing him to be a ‘mentor’ for Gareth Southgate.
‘Why did the FA abandon the idea of a young coach and mentor?’ Samuel writes. ‘How did Southgate, with just three full seasons in club management, the last one ending in relegation, get to shoulder this burden alone? Why not give Alan Pardew a call? Now – in time for the start of the next Under 21 qualifying campaign. Not to elbow Southgate aside, but to provide the experienced ear and eye a young coach may need.
‘What’s in it for Pardew? An early look at international football, if he is to then be considered for the top job. He has never been shy in stating managing England is his ambition and it is not as if he is stepping on Hodgson’s toes.’
Two things, Martin:
1) What is in it for Crystal Palace? Maybe they don’t want their manager to split his time between club and country.
2) Perhaps the Football Association feel that Pardew’s past behaviour doesn’t make him ‘mentor’ material.
After all, we all know who wrote the following things in March last year: ‘Pardew holds an influential executive position but thinks and acts with the hair-trigger emotion of the most immature player. He is all adrenaline, all in the moment, an opportunist behaving without thought or consequence.
‘The Football Association are expected to take firm action, imposing a huge fine and a lengthy touchline ban, yet they should take a share of the blame, too. This could have been addressed 18 months ago, but the governing body failed in their professional duty. Anything that is not stopped is encouraged – and the FA have been weak on Pardew’s antics for too long.’
Maybe this is just Pardew’s long-winded punishment: Failing to land a job that doesn’t currently exist, that the current U21 manager has expressed no appetite for, that Pardew has expressed no interest in and that his club would be keen to avoid.
“Have you ever wondered what Richard Keys is like in the comfort of his own home,” asked the presenter on beIN Sports, and Mediawatch almost broke its mouse we clicked so hard.
We will present you a few bits without comment below, but just watch the whole thing. It’s like Alan Partridge crossed with MTV Cribs crossed with The Office, and that’s three ticks from us.
– Having been jokingly labelled as “the king of beIN sports”, our man replies: “The prince, I’ll take that.”
– “My wife bought me that model of the Titanic. It’s another fixation I’ve always had. It’s a fascinating tale.”
– Female presenter: “I can’t imagine what me and Andy Kerr look like on a screen that big.”
Keys: “You look sensational. He looks terrible.”
– He wears a baseball cap with his surname on the front. HE WEARS A BASEBALL CAP WITH HIS SURNAME ON THE FRONT.
– “Standard Doha cat…that we saved. She was in a dustbin.”
– Female presenter: “Say there was a fire and you had to save one thing, what would it be?”
Keys (without missing a beat): “Myself”. That’s a man with a wife, children and pets.
The Mighty Quinn
When the Newcastle Chronicle needed the inside track on potential new Newcastle United signing Florian Thauvin, who did they turn to? Was it fellow Frenchman David Ginola? Fellow winger Laurent Robert? One of Newcastle’s merry band of French recruits? No silly, they turned to Mick Quinn.
‘Welcome to Florian Thauvin, who looks set to be the next summer signing for Newcastle United,’ Quinn begins.
‘I don’t know much about him but I’m told he’s an exciting player who has been compared to Franck Ribery in the past. If he’s anywhere near that level, he’ll be more than welcome at St James’ Park.’
Cheers for that.
Slight Difference Of Opinion #1
‘Chelsea are likely to make a last-ditch bid to hijack Manchester United’s deal with Barcelona for winger Pedro. It is understood Chelsea are ready to go toe-to-toe with their Barclays Premier League rivals as they look to boost their own attacking options before the close of the summer transfer window’ – Ian Ladyman and Sami Mokbel (they do talk sometimes), Daily Mail, August 19.
‘Tensions at Chelsea have risen a notch because of Pedro’s likely move to Manchester United. Roman Abramovich favoured trying to hijack the deal, but boss Jose Mourinho is adamant the Spain forward would not fit into his team. He appears to be winning the debate…’ – Dan King, The Sun, August 19.
We know who we agree with.
Slight Difference Of Opinion #2
‘Lacklustre Nottingham Forest showed why Michail Antonio will be so badly missed if he leaves the club this transfer window. Antonio had scored three goals in his first three games this season and his pace and trickery were badly missed by a Forest side who appear to be going nowhere fast this term’ – Daily Mirror.
‘Forest were bright against Charlton last night, full of intent and offering hope that they will have a more productive season than last’ – Daily Mail.
Keep Calm And…
“He is always trying to offend the opposition, but I keep calm and keep playing. I just didn’t want to fight or have any confrontation and just to play for my team” – Fernandinho on Diego Costa.
Number of elbows in Sunday’s game:
Fernandinho – 1
Diego Costa – 0
Worst Paragraph Of The Day
‘It’s not been a great start to the season for PFA Player of the Year Eden Hazard and it seems that his form with Chelsea extends to off the pitch, judging by a video of him playing table tennis against Blues youngster Charly Musonda’ – MailOnline.
No, no, no.
Generous Description Of The Day
‘Prem ace in ‘boozy hit and run’ – The Sun.
That’s Darron Gibson, the man with unreliable legs and three league starts in 28 months.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
‘It seems fitting that BT Sport opened their Champions League account while up in Edinburgh, the funnies are going on. Back in 1991, The Fringe stand up stalwart Arthur Smith (or for tax purposes, Daphne Fairfax of course) turned author for his hit play ‘An Evening With Gary Lineker’.
‘Twenty odd years later, you could do the same thing with the real thing. Physically, Lineker may have only made the short trip from BBC’s Match Of The Day studio in Salford to Old Trafford for Manchester United’s game against Club Bruges. But in principle, this was a journey of Hannibal across the Alps proportions in terms of football on the telly’ – Mark Webster, Daily Mail. ‘Laboured’ doesn’t mean we can’t like it.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
‘In a bizarre case, a parrot accused of “hurling obscenities” at an octogenarian woman was summoned to a police station at Rajura in Maharashtra’s Chandrapur district on Tuesday after a complaint against its owner that he had allegedly tutored his caged pet to do so.
‘The police was at its wits’ end after 85-year-old Janabai Sakharkar accused her stepson Suresh of teaching his parrot ‘Hariyal’, to shower abuses at her whenever she passed by his house. In order to verify the agitated woman’s complaint, the police called all the three involved, including Janabai, her stepson Suresh and Hariyal the parrot to the police station.
‘However, the parrot seemed to have become conscious of khaki clad policemen and kept quiet when his cage was brought near Janabai, to see if it would hurl any obscenities at her.
‘”There is a dispute over land and property between the woman and her stepson. We watched the parrot carefully but it did not utter a word at the police station after being confronted by the complainant,” Police Inspector P S Dongre told reporters.
‘Although Hariyal never showed any alleged penchant to abuse the woman, the police decided to hand it over to forest department officials, after taking into account the harassed mental condition of the aged woman’ – IBN Live.
Thanks to none of you. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.