Quote Of The Year:
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about” – Peter Coates, chairman of Stoke City, mid-December 2017, responding to calls for Mark Hughes’ sack.
Manager Quote Of The Year:
“I’m the proudest man in Proudsville” – Sean Dyche.
Or, as adapted:
Jose Mourinho: “I’m the sourest man in Sourville.”
Sam Allardyce: “I’m the conceitedestest man in Conceitedestville.”
Neil Warnock: [redacted]
Save Of The Year Not By David de Gea:
Ben Foster from Dwight Gayle.
Diego Costa Award For Looking The Most Aggrieved When You Think You’ve Been Fouled, Which Is Most Of The Time:
Boaty McBoatface Award:
José Izquierdo, whose last name means “left” in Spanish. He plays for Brighton as a left winger.
Runner-up: André Carrillo, a winger for Watford. “Carrilero” means “winger” in Spanish.
Sven-Göran Eriksson Award:
Richarlison. First half good, second half not so good.
Grace Under Pressure Award:
Kevin Friend, who refereed 21 matches this season without giving a single red card, and who also led his fellows in 1) fewest fouls given per match, 2) fewest yellows given per match, and 3) most penalties awarded per match.
Best Almost-Assist Of The Year:
Aaron Ramsey Award For Being Told By Your Manager That You’re Significantly Better Than You Are:
British (and Irish, and Kiwi) Invasion Award:
Burnley, who regularly fielded 10 British/Irish/Kiwi starters, take on Europe next year.
Tactical Move Of The Year:
David Moyes, for playing Marko Arnautovic as a striker.
Joleon Lescott Award For Being Signed By David Moyes 50 Years Past Your Prime:
Own Goal Of The Year:
If the Champions League counted, James Milner. But these are Premier League awards, so Jack Butland
Do Your Job And Leave The Rest To Me Award:
Jan Vertonghen, the outfield player with the most minutes without a goal or assist.
Quiet Man Award:
Christian Eriksen, the outfield player with the most minutes without a yellow or red card.
Most Time Spent On The Floor Without Being Sufficiently Injured To Leave The Game:
Cheikhou Kouyaté. He can retire this award, actually.
West Bromwich Albion. In the summer they signed Egypt international centre-half Ahmed Hegazi from Al-Ahly, and he became first choice all season. So in January they signed Egypt international centre-half Ali Gabr on loan from Zamalek. He didn’t play a single minute.
Sir Isaac Newton Award For Calculating The Speed Of Moving Bodies: