Tony Pulis: PFM Rating of ‘Intercontinental Ballistic Missile’

Sarah Winterburn

This week, Johnny’s positive look at our managers and how they perform on telly and radio drops down to the Championship, gets itself a parmo and arrives in the paradise of football, also known as Middlesbrough FC, to take a look at the most defensive coach in the history of humanity. That’ll be Tony Pulis, then.

 

Who are ya?
Anthony Richard Pulis is 61 years of age. A Welshman, he was born in Pillgwenlly, Newport. It will surprise no-one that Tony was a defender, starting at Bristol Rovers, also taking in Newport, Bournemouth and Gillingham. Even had a 13-game spell in the early 80, playing for Happy Valley in Hong Kong, one of their most successful teams.

When it came to management, his first gig was to take over from Harry Redknapp at Bournemouth in 1992. He was there two seasons, leading them to 17th twice. Did better at Gillingham, getting them promoted. He was in charge in 1999 for that classic play-off game against Manchester City, after which he was sacked for alleged gross misconduct. It was eventually settled out of court.

He next took charge of Bristol City, which was a controversial choice having played for Rovers. The fans quickly fell out of love with him and he was gone after six months. They didn’t get any better when he took over at Portsmouth, this time lasting just ten months before being replaced by Steve Claridge.

This bad run of appointments meant he was subsequently out of work for two whole years. Eventually got the Stoke City gig for two-and-a-half years before getting sacked for ‘failing to exploit the foreign transfer market’. Which is possibly unique.

So he was then offski to Plymouth for a season and a 28.95% win rate, ending up mid-table. Was approached to return to Stoke City when Peter Coates took over and it was here where he really cemented his reputation for brutally effective – if attritional – football. It was here where he an emblem of a certain type of football. So much so that ‘a wet Tuesday night in Stoke’ became the very definition of a specific sort of physically challenging unpleasantness that might upset the weedier boys, the sensitive, or anyone with functioning nerve endings. Loved a massive centre-half and often played four of them across the back and would surely have played 11 if possible. Rory Delap’s long throws managed to panic even the best defences.

Got them promoted to the Premier League, then consolidated for a few seasons and even got them into Europe after being runners-up in the Cup. Did well in the Europa League, reaching the knock-out stages. But their exit to Valencia after playing a weakened side in the second leg, despite only being 1 -0 down, did him no favours. After seven years everyone had had enough of Pulis-ball, including the actual balls – which claimed to be victims of a human rights crime.

After Stoke he went to Crystal Palace for ten months before heading to the door at speed, after which he was ordered by a high court judge to pay Crystal Palace £3.7 million for fraudulent misrepresentation in a dispute with chairman Steve Parish over a £2 million ‘survival’ bonus paid to him on his request over two weeks earlier than contractually necessary the day before he announced his departure. Ooops. The rest of us – as one – thought ‘how the hell has Tony got 3.7 million quid?’.

But by early 2015 he was back in work with West Brom for nearly three years and a 29% win rate before once again being let go for playing football not commensurate with staying awake.

Now at the glorious temple of football that is the Riverside where he is enjoying his best win % of his career and has the club in the play-offs. But to the surprise of no-one, there is widespread discontent at the entertainment value of the football, having scored fewer goals than 18 other clubs but having conceded the least. It is the very essence of Pulis-ing.

Throughout all of these jobs he has stood pitchside in full tracky with cap firmly atop head and the whitest of white trainers; so white they are almost a statement of moral purity. It’s been said that this insistence on donning sportswear into his 60s does give him the appearance of an overly competitive parent at a school game, bellowing at the nine-year-olds and making the more sensitive boys cry.

But this look has become his trademark and his insistence on sticking to it has made it inseparable from how we perceive him. How many favours it does him in terms of authority is open to debate but at least he is very distinctive. There is no mistaking Tony for any other manager.

When in suit and tie, somehow always looks dressed for a builder’s wedding, or possibly a court case.

 

Cunning linguist?
Splendid south Wales accent which makes the ‘a’ in any word long, harsh and so rough that you could grate a nutmeg on it. So ‘Mark’ becomes ‘Maarrgghk’ and ‘hard’ becomes ‘haaargghd.’ Has the driest cackle of a laugh which sounds like someone discharging a Bren gun.

Capable of delivering withering sarcasm. Indeed, his accent seems well suited to it. When at WBA he once ‘apologised’ for playing three more long balls in the game than Liverpool, after Klopp had criticised their style of play. It was a magnificent exercise in passive-aggressive indignation.

When talking about his own team, he will often play down their ability and chances of winning a game, and talk up the opposition to such an extent that you’d think they were Brazil in 1970. His whole raison d’etre seems to be to establish the teams he manages as the underdog bravely struggling against the odds all of the time. This is fine if true, but once he’s been successful for a season or two, it begins to sound odd. At Stoke City, he did too well to keep pulling off this trick.

When doing co-comms for 5live he is a really articulate man with the sort of gimlet eye for the game you’d expect. Also seems to have a much bigger sense of humour than might be imagined.

Very articulate when talking about wider, social issues.

“I got to know the lady running the Donna Louise Trust, the hospice for terminally ill children, near the ground. We’re living in a bubble here, we have so much money, and you walk a mile down the road and these kiddies have months to live. I take the players there.

“I’ve run a marathon and climbed Kilimanjaro for them. It’s a little bit of guilt over how lucky I’ve been. I know I’ve worked for this life but life can deal some people a bad hand.

“My biggest concern for the country is that many kids are now just looking at their parents who’ve lived on benefit and think that’s the norm. It’s so sad.

“My dad was a socialist. He was very determined, very hard-working in the steelworks. He encouraged us to play sport. I listened to games on Radio 2. Even today I’d rather listen to a commentary on the radio than on telly. They are much more productive with their sentences.”

Now those are the words of a man who has thought more deeply than some about his place in the world. And anyone who thinks the pictures are better on the radio gets my vote.

 

Media hit or miss?
I love how he, possibly uniquely amongst managers, stands up for press conferences in the same way a teacher might do in front of a class of unruly students. Maybe he feels it gives him more authority or perhaps he’s just got a bad back, but it does look quite odd. In fact, the more you look at him, it makes it appear as though he’s actually on trial, or being questioned by the authorities, hands in pockets, trying to look relaxed, casting glance from side to side, grooving to an internal rhythm all the while.

He also makes it easy to imagine him as a hard-knock games master, who also teaches Geography and Rural Science.

He likes to portray himself as blunt talker, a man of the people and no-nonsense sort of guy. That being said, he’s a wiley old fox and one does sometimes feel he plays up to that in order to get and keep journalists on side, and to better play the PR game. He’s been in the business a long time and he’s learned a few tricks over the years.

Probably the most likely manager in the league to say he’s a man’s man and give you a stiff right-hander in the car park if needed, and in that, there is something pleasingly unreconstructed about him. Although one might begin to question how well his methods work with young, well-paid footballers in 2019, there’s no doubt that many feel his old school attitudes are a breath of fresh air in what some feel is the era of the snowflake.

 

Proper Football Man Rating: Intercontinental Ballistic Missile
One of the last of the old school still in work, the boys admire Tony more than their swollen brandy-drenched hearts can ever express. They love the fact he was sacked for ‘failing to exploit the foreign transfer market’ and see that as the sort of act of upstanding patriotism that any Brit worth the bitterness in his bile duct should be proud to shout about. They love even more the fact that he signed his own son twice. That’s the sort of act of familial generosity that makes every PFM purr in nepotistic pleasure.

They’re also never happier than when in elasticated waist sportswear and thus appreciate Tony’s fashion stylings, feeling it makes them look modern and sporty too and not like a man who goes to the off licence at 9.15am for white cider.

Better yet, Tony’s record of never being relegated gives the boys lots of opportunities to trot out one of their absolutely most favourite phrases, whenever anyone has the temerity to suggest that maybe, just maybe, football should be fun and a British manager should be sacked for any reason whatsoever. And that phrase is this: “Be careful what you wish for.” Best delivered while rolling your eyes and looking from side to side, as though you and only you understand that staying up is literally everything and going down is literally death, Jeff. Literally. Death.

It must also be stated that the fact he’s alleged to have headbutted James Beattie whilst entirely naked apart from his cap, which we must assume was atop his skull, is almost too erotic for the boys, combining – as it does – male nudity, violence and sportswear, a trifecta that every PFM knows are the only things worth living for, even if all three were cited in his last divorce settlement.

Then there’s the court cases and getting off speeding fine as well. Oh Tony, Tony, Tony.

He’s simply everything they want in a man, if he’d only put on a pair of heels and wig and call himself Gloria, then the boys would marry him.

 

What the people say
There’s no doubt that he has been popular at some clubs, especially Stoke. On the whole, I think people appreciate someone who is relatively straightforward and doesn’t pretend to be something he’s not. All the usual negatives about his style of play naturally found expression too, but in a way, that’s part of the TP ‘Not Pretty But Effective’ brand too.

‘Most successful manager in my 30 years watching Stoke, not just the work he did with the team on the pitch but also his work in the community and charities off it, the night against Villa when he came back after his mum died that afternoon shows the measure of the man.’

‘At Euro 2016 he took co-commentary to new levels by not referring to a single player by their name.’

‘Also during the 2014 World Cup he did media work. There was a story a journalist’s case had gone missing so Pulis lent him some clothes – he’d taken a load of club-branded stuff out to Brazil as part of some charity work he was going to do.’

‘Relies on his magic hats.’

‘He’s a bit like a psychic, he can tell you what you want to hear and get some results but ultimately he’s selling a lie.’

‘His press conferences are constantly see-sawing between “I can’t believe how honest he’s been there” to “That was just a bare faced lie”. Seems to genuinely not give a toss what fans think about his football style.’

‘Not a fan of his style of play, but showed a lot of class and dignity after the boro Leeds game when Jack Clarke collapsed.’

‘Like a greyhound stadium standing fast in a world of virtual casinos.’

‘Worst football I have ever seen #WBA’

‘He gives men of a certain age the freedom to think they’ve still got it, in their ice white trainers.’

‘Love the fact he stands for press conferences.’

‘I like Pulis. Complete resistance to any of that namby pamby tippy tappy continental rubbish! Does a good job with limited teams and players in spite of media sneers. Not pretty but incredibly pragmatic. You know what he brings if you employ him’

‘Headbutted James Beattie while naked apart from a baseball cap.’

‘Along with Allardyce, he’s the manager you’d back to go in at Christmas and keep your club up, in spite of the 10 point deficit.’

‘Worked wonders with us. Not only getting us up, but keeping us up with a side that was completely written off. His style has limitations, but you can’t knock the lifetime of memories he gave Stoke City. Properly married to football. Did a lot of community work in S-o-T as well.’

‘Once escaped a driving ban because his lawyer argued the city of Stoke-on-Trent would suffer exceptional hardship as a result. It gets better. He argued that if he needed a chauffeur it would impact his transfer dealings because they could leak information. He cited getting Crouch without anyone knowing. Fancies himself as the Lincoln Lawyer doing all his business in the car.’

‘Fans want to be entertained. Where is the fun in getting promoted while boring everyone to death, including your own fan base. He done an awesome job at Stoke, but no one wants him at their club & that says it all.’

‘Almost killed not just my love for my club,but for football altogether. Trying to play Victor Anichebe as a defensive midfielder being 1 of the more visible examples of his crimes.’

‘Big mention for his obsession with downplaying his own players/squad to the point where you’ll be grateful if your team ever gets another point. Did it constantly at the Albion, while talking up the opposition, and seems to be doing the same at Boro.’

‘I just see a cap and glasses. No facial features or anything from the neck down. Just a cap and glasses.’

‘I’m constantly battling with my opinion of him. To the media I think he knows just what to say and the language he uses is very clever. Fans go “a manager who says it like it is” but there’s still a fair bit of reading between the lines for me. He’s working under difficult circumstances having to cut the wage bill and such. Playoffs is what I expected and it’s where we are.’

‘The most successful Stoke City manager in my lifetime (so, since 85 if that counts for much). Keep us up in the Champ > promotion > kept us up > FA Cup final/UEFA Cup run.’

‘Always wondered why he chooses to stand for press conferences? Does he not like chairs, or is it a body language thing? Like, ‘I’m in a charge here’ etc?’

‘I feel like he often goes under appreciated given this reputation he has as a footballing ‘dinosaur’. Some of the hyperbole, like some Boro fans have spouted this season such as “he’s killing our club” etc, are borne out of prejudged ideas. Some just won’t accept him’

‘I bloody love football, and what I love most is how many types of football there are. And despite what we’re told, there isn’t a ‘right’ one. So, all the ‘awful football’ types can do one. 6 cbs on the pitch whilst ruining Tuncay? Why not? Shawcross got double figures one year. Pulis knows what he is, and it works for him. Brilliant, genuine laugh which could probably be described as ‘dirty’. Seems to love the game, and has the perfect accent for yelling as his team for taking a short throw-in. Manager most likely to injure his own player in training.’

‘At first glance, Pulis appears like a dinosaur PE teacher from days long gone by wearing his tracksuit and baseball cap, shaking his fist and yelling at officials. But at second glance, there is still a place in the game for the dinosaur, motivating and shrugging off criticism.’

‘Unapologetic in playing a style of football which it has become popular to deride, as though it violates some moral code. Well I’m all for the variety Tony brings.’

 

How long has he got?
Not long. Common consent on Teesside is that even if he manages to get the club promoted, another season of his variety of association football would put the fans into a catatonic state.

You know what you’re going to get with Tony and he always delivers it, so don’t go thinking he’s ever going to change, because the cap is not for turning, any more than the trainers will ever be not so white that they can be seen from Mars. So once you’re fed up with seeing 11 6’ 5” men playing in defence and would just like to see something a tad more entertaining, there is no way back.

However, once sacked by Boro in the summer, and following the inevitable legal stramash, there will always be a desperate club who has just failed with a manager who tried to play entertaining football. A club that suddenly looks upon not conceding goals as a holy virtue and once again Tony will get a call to come and do a job, and do a job he will. The goals will dry up at both ends and sooner or later everyone will lose the will to live, at which point the cycle will begin again.

It’s brilliant really and proof that a really strong USP in management will always mean you’ll get well-remunerated work. He remains one of the most distinctive men in the game and you have to say that is a hugely admirable achievement.

 

John Nicholson

Tony Pulis