Why are Tottenham determined to come across as colossal d*cks?

Date published: Wednesday 8th April 2020 9:24

Send your thoughts on Tottenham and any other d*cks to theeditor@football365.com

To dare is to dick move
Dear 365 Towers,

Thanks for nothing for your Tottenham season review for making my PTSD about the whole thing resurface. The one thing good of the season being cancelled is I could pretend it never happened and I never went to the Bayern game (can I have my money back?).

Like Basil Fawlty, ‘oh what a terrible dream”.

But as my sister (curse my great grandfathers life choices, we’re all stuck with them) pointed out, without access to a pitch and a paying public, we have to find new an innovative ways to make tits of ourselves on a weekly basis.

First up Levy. Who’s middle name is presumably ‘Tony-Deaf’. “Furlough staff? indeed. That Mike Ashley knows a PR slam dunk when he sees one. That’s why I’m paid the big bucks. The really big, delicious bucks — with even a bonus for the late delivery of a start-of-the-art shrine to franchise restauranteering. Now mop that floor and then bugger off, I’m not paying you up til 5.30 today to glower at me”

But of course it’s mostly the decision to fire the most popular Tottenham manager of modern times, for ….the temerity of not refreshing or bolstering his squad from his own pocket?

But wait! That’s not enough, you must then go on to replace him with the Soccer Sauron, (or as Morrissey knows him “This Charmless Man”).

What to say about Jose? Well I guess we had three days of smiles and sunshine, and any more could be seen as greedy. But it was still depressing it all went back to type pretty quickly—

“But you said you were happy, had a great squad and would be a positive and invigorating force getting us to play exciting progressive football — and it seems you’re still a sniping, miserable arse who hates everyone, takes no responsibility and has us playing like Neanderthal Rovers”.

“Respect! I am like the scorpion on the frogs back, it is my nature….Now where’s my 13 million quid?”

So of course Jose did the one thing he could to take pressure off Levy. Look to his results? God no! Foster team spirit in lockdown? Yeah right! Set out his footballing vision? Oh behave! Do something incredible for char… OK I’ll stop now.

No, let’s break the law AND club policy, during the worst crisis the country has had since World War 2. Better still, in public. I don’t see why they didn’t go the whole hog, strip naked and write in marker pen on their chests, and have a mud wrestling competition of ‘Divs’ vs “Idiots”, while Mourino shouts “SCHNELL” through a megaphone. basically turn the whole history of Tottenham Hotspur into some kind of dirty protest, quite apt really.

I mean I guess Jose just needed to ask himself. “Hmmm. Wait a minute..would an a**hole do it?…Yes? Right lads, lace up! and fetch me my monocle!”

Anyhooo. Not to be despondent. I mean, we had a good run, for a few seasons, and a not totally begrudged one. Like in Life of Brian, I did get a lot of “Ooooh it’s the Spurs! Well, I’m glad you’re getting something, cos you’ve had a hell of a time.”

And there is one silver lining, at least we sold Kyle Walker.
Dom “Oh Well” Salmon


But the Levy was dry
Obviously, one of the main reasons Football365 gets so many ‘hits’ on its mailbox page, is due to people wanting to know my latest thoughts on my beloved Tottenham and its owners.

I have mainly held off in the last week, apart from putting the usual morally superior Liverpool supporter in his place only to find that is now well and truly f….d.

However, I can no longer hold my tongue or indeed keyboard any longer. The story of Lord Levy of the manor looking to employ the club ground staff on his estate to tend to his shrubberies and ex-Tottenham managers replica gnome collection had me choking on my Corn Flakes.

To recap, Joe Lewis worth approx. 4.5Bn large ones and Daniel Levy who has paid himself a 3m large ones bonus for delivering a late and overbudget Lady Ga Ga concert emporium have decided to furlough non-playing staff in the expectation the government, of whom Bermudian based Lewis pays no income tax, to pick up the bill.

My understanding is the delay in the Premier League players reaching a pay cut/deferral is they want the monies saved to go to the NHS and other applicable charities and not for a cost saving benefit for the owners.

I wonder which owners they have in mind?

I look forward to the next edition of Gardeners World being from the Levy estate.
David Harris, Sydney, Australia


Fan mail
After 4 weeks of not contributing or reading the mailbox due to the pointless null and void debates I wanted to chime in about the Lfc reversal debate.

Am sorry in advance if this has been brought up already.

The owners had a stinker but the Lfc fans played a blinder in getting it reversed. It’s rare I see the entire fan base singing off the same hymn sheet (unless it’s virgil related) but they were out in force to Peter Moore once the original decision was disclosed and they made sure they did enough to get it changed.

Have a go at FSG, they deserve it, but if your own moral compass can’t at the same time credit Lfc fans, well then your own opinion on the subject is ironically null and void.


Liverpool have shown City how it’s done
What a pathetic analogy you make between drowning kittens and Liverpool’s u-turn over the furlough debacle! I agree that their should be no thanks or congratulations over their decision change but the people that decided to do it in the first place are not football people, they are businessmen. They didn’t foresee the backlash from their own fans but they listened, changed their decision and apologised for it. That puts them on a higher pedestal than Tottenham, Newcastle and the others that carry on regardless of public opinion.

Also, look at city, caught fiddling their books and given a suitable punishment. Do they hold their hands up and apologise? Do the b*llocks, they say that they will fight it every step and use whatever resources they need. Kinda like OJ & the glove incident (I’m using an extreme analogy now but hey… I didn’t start it lol), money talks and an expensive lawyer can get you out of a lot. City’s owners would gain far more respect by apologising and accepting it (we all know they’re guilty and have been manipulating ffp since it came in). BUT again, they are businessmen that will do what they believe is right for them, their club & more importantly their long term future and the finances that come with it & that is my analogy between them and the teammate using/abusing furlough.

Stay safe,
Marcel G LFC


Backtracking is tough
I totally agree with the sentiment expressed by Ryan (Whitehaven) in yesterday afternoon’s mailbox, about how backtracking on announced plans to drown kittens would not deserve praise, in a parallel to Liverpool’s backtracking on their staffing decision. My own reaction to the club’s decision was relief and mild satisfaction, rather than pride and admiration.

On the flip-side, which is usually the more difficult decision – admitting you were horribly wrong and thoroughly apologizing for it in public, or getting it right to begin with? FSG have proven time and time again that they will listen to fans and compromise. This is yet another reason why the rush to judgment about them in the 48 hours between the initial decision and the backtracking was not rational or well-reasoned: there was an assumption among the vast majority (notable exception: Mark, MCFC) that there wasn’t any likelihood or hope that it would be reversed.

On a related note, I wrote in yesterday morning about how people should be directing their anger and frustration at the UK Government’s lack of competent governance, oversight and crisis management, rather than getting apopleptic at one immoral business at a time. Andy (MUFC) took the time to write in about how I was apparently being patronising, althewhile neglecting to acknowledge that Sheffield United had also announced the intention to avail the Coronavirus Job Retention Scheme earlier that morning. Again, this is not Whatabouttery, this is pointing out that having emotionally irrational diatribes against singular clubs, one-by-one, is futile if you want to actually protect the taxpayers’ money rather than using it as an opportunity to criticize rival clubs.

(Also, Andy, I acknowledged in my first mail that Liverpool had made the wrong decision, implicitly because it was a terrible PR decision. One might describe your paragraph about companies voluntarily exhibiting social responsibility could be described as patronising… :))
Oliver Dziggel, Geneva Switzerland


‘Good old Liverpool’
So Liverpool FC has bowed to ‘fan pressure’ and decided to reverse its decision to use the government’s ‘furlough’ scheme to ensure that its low-paid workers receive their usual pay during this crisis.

‘A morally correct decision’ everybody cries. ‘Good old Liverpool, I knew they were better than that’. But will these same workers now receive all of their normal income during this crisis, or have Liverpool simply sacrificed them on the alter of public opinion?

We shall see. Possibly.
Mike, Canada expat.


Oh, I think that I found myself a cheerleader
Lineker, Rooney, Taylor et al have all missed the point entirely. People aren’t outraged at footballers because they earn a lot of money. They are outraged at footballers because:

1) their employers continue to pay them the same huge amount of money


2) furloughing staff on much lower salaries (probably minimum wage in a lot of cases).

3) NOT producing a product.

4) allowing the government to pay 80% of those employees salaries, whilst 1) and 3) apply

These are the crucial points. If you can’t see there is something wrong with that then you seriously are living in a totally other version of cloud cuckoo land.

Show me another industry where the same applies and I will happily shout angrily about that injustice too. Formula 1 being a prime possibility – although I have no idea if the drivers are still being paid. If they are, then that’s just as bad. British Airways? True, they have virtually no product. Yes, their staff are being furloughed. But their highly paid executives (assuming they are still taking their full salary – although bonuses will be much lower anyway) working their asses off in the current climate to keep the company alive. I’m no fan of fat cat wages and the disparity with workers, but nobody’s on full pay doing nothing there. Similarly, anyone who is already lucky enough to be sitting on a pile of already earned billions or millions is entitled to do what they want with it. They are not meeting the criteria above either.

To also jump up and down saying ‘why is it footballers always get crapped on’ just compounds the issue. If anyone else in any other walk of life were to say the same, they would be labelled with a persecution complex. Despite these days of mental health enlightenment, that person would most likely be told to grow up, f*** off, get a grip and stop moaning.

Yes, footballers are getting the bulk of the attention. But only because the press choose to focus on them. Footballers (and ex footballers and anyone else who feels the need to join their cheerleader group) need to be very, very careful with the points they are making. Taking the p*** is one thing, but trying to pull the wool over the very people who pay your salaries by choosing to misrepresent the facts will be very, very hard to forgive.
Ally, London


30 years ago today
Dear Football365,

Today is the 30th anniversary of my earliest football memory: Crystal Palace beating Liverpool 4-3 in the 1990 FA Cup Semi-Final. Anyone with time on their hands wanting to read something long about that and the ensuing Final can read this.

Incidentally that game took place at Villa Park, while Manchester United v Oldham Athletic was played at Maine Road. Semi-finals at neutral grounds need to make a comeback.
Ed Quoththeraven


Bearded dragons
In response to Mikey, CFC’s Bearded XI, here is my team with current players (and manager) in a realistic formation that could take on most XIs.
Rules are simple: 1) I cannot picture them without a beard (sorry Rooney – I remember the early years), 2) they are picked on their current form (sorry Daniele De Rossi and Raul Meireles – 2 bearded heroes), and 3) we’re talking full beards (sorry Adil Rami’s glorious mustache)…

GK – Alisson Becker (Liverpool) – Best ‘keeper in the world, sporting a distinctly disheveled look.
LB – Marcelo (Real Madrid) – Solid afro/beard combo and the most solid LB of the past decade.
CB – Nicolas Otamendi (Manchester City) – I really wanted to pick Sergio Ramos but he changes his look too often, so the ginger-bearded store-brand Ramos it is.
CB – Samuel Umtiti (Barcelona) – Lots of injuries but has diligently maintained his beard throughout.
RB – Dani Carvajal (Real Madrid) – Good player, even better facial hair.
CM – Arturo Vidal (Barcelona) – Intimidating beard/shark fin mohawk combo. Perfect.
CM – Joao Moutinho (Wolves) – Stud. Bearded Icon. Wish he had moved to the Premier League earlier.
CAM – Isco (Real Madrid) – Not sure what’s in the water in Madrid, but it’s certainly helping some impressive beard growth. The player Grealish thinks he is.
LW – Bernardo Silva (Manchester City) – Wanted to pick Thomas Lemar, but kept picturing fresh-faced singer Lemar. Silva gets played here slightly out of position (he’ll be fine).
ST – Gabriel Barbosa aka Gabigol (Flamengo) – Ooooh exotic. Never seen a picture of him without a beard. Looks to be an exciting player and a Bearded XI needs a bit of mystery.*
RW – Mohamed Salad (Liverpool) – Egyptian King. Bearded Genius.

Manager – Nuno Espirito Santo (Wolves) – Biblical beard. Has done astonishing work with Wolves and could get this team playing some Old Testament football to devastating effect.

Elias (*Benzema up top if I’m limiting this to players in England and Spain [I’m not]), LFC, Johannesburg.

PS: Self-isolation is the perfect time to get started on a beard.


good morning,

With so much moral outrage in recent mailboxes often coupled with a total lack of self awareness, please allow me to contribute. How can you justify publishing Mikey, CFC’s bearded XI?

How is it possible that Mile Jedinak, who had the greatest beard in football history, is not in the team. Plus he comes across as a nice chap. Then there is Socrates, the greatest smoking footballer of all time, who would light up in the centre circle at penalty shootouts. Rio Ferdinand? A must pick for every greatest XI in history, especially if there is a minimum height restriction.

I assume Mikey is in self isolation, so he has no excuse for these omissions, given the time he has had to give this important subject his full, undivided attention.

On more pressing matters, how about a convicts XI? And anyone leaving Mickey Thomas out of the team need not respond.

Stay safe all.
Ged Biglin


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