Keane ‘disgust’ and MOTD plans praised while ‘haunted’ Mike Dean unwatchable – the football week in TV
The Match of the Day plans have angered the right people, while Roy Keane countered Peter Drury and Gary Neville to make the Manchester derby palatable.
Here is Johnny’s review of the week in football TV.
Match of the Day misogyny
There were pretty well-sourced rumours this week that the post-Lineker world for Match of the Day would replace the great crispy one with a rolling team of Kelly Cates, Gabby Logan and Mark Chapman which, unusually for the BBC, makes a lot of sense.
It utilises existing established and well-liked talents in a flagship role. At least they haven’t given it to Gregg Wallace; you never know with the BBC’s love of a widely alleged abuser.
This was to the delight of many, especially those of us who have long thoroughly enjoyed Kelly on the radio, except for the usual misogynists who don’t like to hear women talking about anything, especially the football and who take every opportunity to declare the fact, as though they’re proud to be that stupid. Like over 20 years of broadcasting experience is qualification enough for Mark but not Kelly and Gabby.
I reckon being a relaxing presence, chatty and natural, not outshining the guests is really hard to do and is a talent in itself. You can’t fake being nice on TV, you’re too exposed. You are an intimate, regular presence in people’s lives and don’t want to ruffle feathers but also can’t seem bland or obsequious.
Yeah, but it’s ‘box ticking’ innit, lads. Idiots.
Super Soccer Saturday
I caught it this week for the first time in a while. It was condemned (by me, probably) for keeping on going after Jeff Stelling left and Simon Thomas took over. The waterfall of facts that Jeff seemed to pluck out of the air were a talent all his own. But, no. Simon is every bit as good at it and he’s a sharp, charming host and shares Jeff’s position as being the best, most articulate in the room – and that after being charged with making sense of Paul Merson’s lists of random nouns, verbs and adjectives and dealing with every male ex-footballer’s aversion of adverbs.
I watched for six hours and didn’t fall asleep once, mostly because I find Tim Sherwood (unintentionally) hilarious to the point that I think he’s played by actor Paul Whitehouse.
The Dean and I
A major weakness of Soccer Saturday, however, is the inclusion of Mike Dean. Present to run the rule over VAR decisions, he’s on a hiding to nothing as the senseless VAR’s decisions are regularly disregarded as ludicrous and making football worse.
Most of the time he comes across like a dad asserting facts from the sofa, but with shallow confidence and a haunted look in his eyes. When you remember ITV’s Christina Unkel this summer, the contrast couldn’t be greater. She effectively explained the decision and the laws without resorting to nervous opinion that even placated Roy Keane, who knew he’d met his match.
I’m not sure Mike actually knows the laws anyway. His confirmation of an offence as not given because ‘I don’t think that’s enough in a game like this’ during the Manchester derby suggested a set of assumptions, judgements and beliefs separate from the laws of the game. Generally as authoritative and trustworthy as the former Archbishop of Canterbury.
Some People Are On The Pitch
One of football broadcasting’s strange choices is to place presenters and pundits on the pitch behind an obelisk/desk. Often despite a raging storm or powerful sprinklers. Quite why, I’m not sure. Perhaps it is to prove they’re actually there.
Last Thursday this meant Peter Crouch was with Alan Hutton and the redoubtable Geordie Lynsey Hipgrave, who did appear toy-sized in comparison, for the excellent Rangers/Spurs game. My missus is a Geordie and seems to think a Geordie on the telly is related to her in some way and spends an hour trying to identify where Lindsey is from in Newcastle. She thinks it might be Heaton or Fenham, for what it’s worth. Definitely north of the Tyne.
Two of the better pundits, a pal of mine ran into Crouchy at Glasgow airport and declared him to be a fine fella, really friendly and apparently taller even than you imagine.
Dreary Drury
Peter Drury was the commentator for the hypnotically tedious Manchester derby. Drury’s habit of bursts of hyperventilation and shouting names in full as they hit the ball along with pre-prepared pretentious metaphors divides opinion. Less is more when nothing is happening. I suppose it is at least distinctive but is never less appropriate in a mind-numbingly boring game and simply grates as the next allusion to the Greek Tragedies lands like a pig thrown out of a helicopter.
Also, is Gary Neville coin-operated? It looks like he’s got a slot for coins in between his eyes. It would explain much. Roy’s reaction to Kyle Walker’s pathetic drop to the ground was one of pure, soul-offending disgust and worth viewing the terrible match to see.
Carabaoing
The numbers watching the League Cup quarter final on Wednesday must be tiny given the competition’s status and the relatively small numbers that watch the Premier League.
Sky give it the big sell anyway and a very relaxed and typically engaged Chapman works for Sky on this alongside Izzy Christiansen and the metal-grey-hair-like-a-Brillo-pad Jobi McAnuff, who is their non-Premier League go-to man and seems more erudite than many; he probably had to be with a first name like that in the Reading locker room.
They’re sofa-situated thankfully because the whole standing up at a big screen thing is excruciating and looks sort of naked. Not quite as bad as seeing a footballer in normal society where they invariably seem peculiarly out of place, but not much less embarrassing. The comedy Spurs game brought out Jamie and Jamie to cast the runes as though coroner’s at a post-mortem. Lighten up lads, no one died.
