Unbreakable Premier League records feature Mourinho’s stingy Chelsea and Erling Haaland

Jason Soutar
Erling Haaland, Edwin van der Sar, Jose Mourinho and John Terry
Premier League record holders Erling Haaland, Edwin van der Sar, Jose Mourinho and John Terry

Featuring Erling Haaland, Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal, here are 15 ridiculous Premier League records that will never be broken.

We are ignoring Derby County’s unwanted record low for wins (1) and points (11) because Southampton are that bad.

 

Fewest goals conceded in a season (15)
Jose Mourinho joined Chelsea in 2004, declaring himself “a special one” in his first press conference, with ‘The Special One’ of course becoming his world-famous nickname. With that kind of billing he had to make things tick instantly, and he did just that.

After defying the odds to guide FC Porto to Champions League glory, Mourinho moved to Stamford Bridge looking to dethrone Arsenal, who had just become the first team in Premier League history to go the entire season without a defeat. More on that soon.

In the Portuguese manager’s first season he did in fact dethrone the Invincibles, and only lost one match in the process – away to Manchester City before they were good.

The most astonishing thing in Chelsea’s title success was their defensive record. They conceded 15 league goals in 38 games with Petr Cech in goal, John Terry and Ricardo Carvalho at centre-half and Paulo Ferreira and William Gallas as full-backs, keeping a record 25 clean sheets in the process.

No team will do this again. There is just no chance. We have seen some brilliant defensive partnerships and goalkeepers in the intervening years, and not one has come close to this record from 2004/05.

 

Fewest appearances to reach 50 Premier League goals (48)
It took Andrew Cole 65 games to reach the 50-goal mark in the Premier League and Erling Haaland casually reached that mark in a mere 48 games. And that 50th goal was the opener against Liverpool so shush with your flat-track bully claims.

If anyone does somehow break this record, it will probably be Haaland’s future child.

 

Most consecutive seasons as manager (22)
From 1996 until 2018, Arsene Wenger was manager of Arsenal, meaning he was in charge for a colossal 22 seasons before being hounded out of the club by a divided fanbase.

It is worth noting that Sir Alex Ferguson was Manchester United boss for nearly 27 years, but he took charge in 1986, six years before the maiden Premier League season.

Such is the nature of football these days, it is very hard to imagine a manager lasting as long in a job as Wenger. Claudio Ranieri did the impossible with Leicester City by guiding them to their first Premier League title, only to get sacked less than a year later. Jurgen Klopp was a possibility but he ran out of energy, while Pep Guardiola is close to having nothing left in him.

Arsenal sticking by Mikel Arteta in 2020 does indicate that he is unsackable, meaning fans might be forced to #TrustTheProcess in 2043 when he eclipses Wenger’s record.

 

Most consecutive games played (310)
Goalkeeper Brad Friedel played an astonishing 310 games in a row in the Premier League. The record for an outfield player is Frank Lampard with 164. While that is a very impressive return, Lamps never came close to toppling the American.

Friedel broke this record playing for Blackburn Rovers, Aston Villa and Tottenham. He joined Spurs in 2011 where he was able to continue his streak. Andre Villas-Boas ended the record in October 2012 when he gave Hugo Lloris his first league start. Friedel started the next game. How frustrating.

 

Fewest games for a player to score three hat-tricks (8)
Haaland’s treble in his first Manchester derby was his third in his debut season, in only his eighth Premier League appearance.

Before that match, the fastest player to reach three hat-tricks was Michael Owen, who took 48 games. Forty-eight. FFS.

 

Most points without finishing first (97)
Honestly, how unfortunate do you have to be to accumulate 97 points across a 38-game campaign, yet finish second? That is astounding. Non-Liverpool fans do find this bloody hilarious, though.

97 points would have won the league in every other season, bar the year prior when Manchester City finished with 100 points, which is obviously another record that probably won’t be broken.

These two clubs pushed each other to limits that we have never witnessed before (it’s still not the best rivalry in Premier League history) and in 2018/19 when Liverpool had 97 points, they only lost once and finished a single point behind City.

 

Longest unbeaten run at home (86)
Mourinho is back. He took charge of 60 matches in Chelsea’s remarkable 86-match unbeaten run at Stamford Bridge in the Premier League, with Felipe Scolari, Claudio Ranieri and Avram Grant overseeing the other 26.

“There are some records that you look at and feel that it is impossible for somebody to do it. Our record from Chelsea is still the record and it is very difficult for somebody to do better than that,” Mourinho said of the record.

Liverpool gave it a good go in their quest to at least equal the record Chelsea set between March 2004 and October 2008, going 68 matches unbeaten at Anfield under Jurgen Klopp. They probably would have continued if they were not forced to play behind closed doors due to the Covid-19 pandemic. That run felt like it went on forever and Manchester City are third with 37, so we can all appreciate how impressive the Blues’ run was.

 

Longest run without conceding a goal (1,113 minutes)
In 2008/09, Manchester United goalkeeper Edwin van der Sar kept 14 clean sheets in a row between November 15 and February 18, totalling over 1,100 minutes.

United won the title with 90 points, conceding an impressive 24 goals in the process. It’s not quite 04/05 Chelsea, but impressive nonetheless.

The man to end Van der Sar’s run? Why Blackburn’s Roque Santa Cruz, of course. The Red Devils then didn’t keep a league clean sheet for over two months. Pathetic.

 

Most seasons scored in (21)
Sticking with Manchester United, Ryan Giggs scored in 21 consecutive seasons. Even playing in 21 seasons seems ludicrous now.

Giggs actually scored in 23 seasons in a row, but two came prior to the first Premier League campaign.

 

Most consecutive games scoring against the same team (9)
No, it is not Luis Suarez against Norwich City, but this record was set by another Liverpool player.

Norwich hated coming up against the tricky Uruguayan, but so did Crystal Palace when it came to Sadio Mane.

The Senegalese forward scored in all nine of his Reds appearances against the Eagles. He could have made it ten out of ten but he was busy winning the African Cup of Nations with his country. He probably didn’t mind too much about missing that game. Palace still lost 3-1 even without their nemesis lining up against them.

 

Most defeats in a row (20)
Derby were bad but at least they broke up their losing runs with a draw here and there.

The unfortunate club to hold this particular record is Sunderland, who lost 20 top-flight matches on the bounce.

To kick off the 2005/06 campaign, the Black Cats lost five in a row before a 1-1 draw against West Brom kicked off a three-game unbeaten run. Good going, guys!

It was in 2003 that the run began. Their final victory of 2002/03 came against Liverpool in December that campaign, losing 18 – including their last 15 – and drawing two of their last 20 matches to see them relegated with 19 points. If it wasn’t for Kevin Phillips, they could have finished on single-digit points and we wouldn’t always be ripping the p*ss out of Derby.

 

Fewest points as champions (75)
Liverpool fans will be furious reading this. They finished second in 2018/19 with 22 more points than title winners Manchester United in 1997.

When looking at champions with the fewest points, the top three all happened in the ’90s and it is safe to say the game has changed since then.

While many say it is the most competitive league in the world and in no way a ‘farmers league’, City have won six of the last seven titles, finishing on 100, 98, 86, 93, 89 and 90 points. And their tally of 86 probably would have been higher if Liverpool weren’t completely rubbish that season.

United lost their crown the following season to Arsenal, whose 78-point haul is the second-lowest in history, sandwiched between two Red Devils triumphs.

This team under Sir Alex Ferguson included some famous names such as Roy Keane, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs, David Beckham, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Eric Cantona, Peter Schmeichel and Andy Cole. Despite only winning the league with 75 points, what a side that was.

 

Lowest (non-Covid) attendance (3,039)
Even with rising ticket prices, this will obviously not be broken. On January 26, 1993, Everton faced Wimbledon at Selhurst Park in front of a little over 3,000 people.

It was a cold Tuesday night and Everton accounted for 1,500 of the supporters in the ground. In fairness to Wimbledon, they weren’t playing at their home stadium and folk were still waiting on the first payday after Christmas.

 

No losses in a season
The Invincibles went through an entire season unbeaten and Arsenal fans have been clinging onto this one for a while. Is yours gold? Didn’t think so.

What a side this was. It was full of technical brilliance, grit, fight, ruthlessness and had Thierry Henry. Enough said.

This particular record obviously cannot be broken but it can be equalled. It won’t be though.

 

Most goals in a half (5)
Jermain Defoe showed no remorse when Tottenham hosted Wigan in 2009, scoring five in a 9-1 shellacking. “I just felt unstoppable. I just had the feeling something special was going to happen,” the striker later recalled. Poor Chris Kirkland. And Peter Crouch, who couldn’t get a sniff after his goal put Spurs ahead.

Two players – Andy Cole and Alan Shearer – had scored five goals in a Premier League game before, and another pair – Dimitar Berbatov and Sergio Aguero – have done so since. That feat in itself is so rare that accomplishing it within 45 minutes does not bear thinking about.

There has been no double hat-tricks in the Premier League and Chelsea’s Cole Palmer recently came close to equalling Defoe’s feat with four in the first half of a win over Brighton, which was the first time a player has scored four goals in the first half of a Premier League match. It’ll take quite something to beat that one as well.

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