Wales v England to bring Britain ‘to a standstill’ because Tuesdays are usually so very busy

Date published: Tuesday 29th November 2022 11:20 - Editor F365

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Wales v England is a do-or-maybe-not-do-just-don’t-get-absolutely-battered clash for England but that doesn’t mean there isn’t lots of front-page as well as back-page nonsense…


Video killed the radio star
It’s a bloody tabloid dream that Gareth Southgate did not dismiss the idea that the video of Wales celebrating England’s Euro 2016 exit to Iceland could be used as a motivational tool. Had he flat-batted that question then all Tuesday’s back pages would have been different. Instead…

‘When asked whether Southgate would use the Wales’ celebration in his team talk and print it on the dressing room wall, the England boss laughed: “I couldn’t say. We are aware of some of that but I couldn’t say if we would use it or not…”‘ – Daily Mirror.

That was enough for The Sun to claim that ‘GARETH SOUTHGATE will fire up England for tonight’s Battle of Britain by showing a video of Wales gloating over their humiliating Euro 2016 exit’.

He didn’t say that obviously, but who gives a f***? That’s a back page right there.

And here…

They are ‘red hot for revenge’ are they? And that’s literally come from these 21 words…

“I couldn’t say. We are aware of some of that but I couldn’t say if we would use it or not…”

…two of which are “couldn’t” and all of which were delivered with a laugh.

It’s a headline so good that Reach newspapers (who own both the Mirror and the Express) used it twice:

‘Wales players celebrating wildly at England’s defeat to Iceland looks set to be turned into a video nasty to fire up the Three Lions,’ apparently, raising the question as to how exactly you turn a normal video into a ‘video nasty’? With a filter?

But maybe it’s already a ‘video nasty’. The Daily Star – also part of the Reach group – tell us on their back page that ‘England are using a video nasty of Wales mocking them as motivation for tonight’s Battle of Britain’.

Oh Gareth, what have you done with your jovial ways?


Running to standstill
But this is the Battle of Britain – beloved of tabloids even if not so beloved of actual football fans – so the game also reaches the front pages. Which means some absolute nonsense.

‘HARRY Kane and Gareth Bale face off in the World Cup’s first all-British clash tonight with 16 million roaring them on at home.

‘Thousands have taken Tuesday and Wednesday off work for the historic game in Doha, which will see England top the group with a victory. Wales progress if they win by four goals but any margin will do if USA and Iran draw.’

That’s The Sun, merrily guessing the number of TV viewers for England v Wales. As ITV are claiming 18 million viewers for England v USA, we suspect 16 million is a tad conservative but at least they have had a stab, unlike the ludicrously vague ‘thousands have have taken Tuesday and Wednesday off work’. We imagine they have. They do every day.

But at least The Sun went for the relatively clever headline ‘DO OR DAI’ instead of this absolute sh*tshow:

Just ‘C’MON’? That’s it. The ‘Both teams can qualify…but it’s complicated!’ made us laugh, mind. It’s only complicated if you are a complete novice to the complex world of a four-team round-robin format. Or you’re a f***ing idiot. In which camp are the Daily Star putting their readers?

Oh and ‘can qualify’? England have to lose by four goals not to qualify.

But our favourite comes from the Daily Mirror, for whom Jeremy Armstrong (in Doha) writes that ‘Britain will come to a standstill tonight as millions of fans tune in to England’s historic clash with Wales’.

Because usually on a Tuesday night in late November at 7pm, Britain is an absolute maelstrom of activity.

‘Southgate said England will match Wales’ fiery spirit and intensity in the first Battle of Britain at a World Cup tonight.

‘And Jack Grealish insisted the Three Lions have the best frontline as they aim to reach the last 16 in the do-or-die clash at 7pm.’

It’s not ‘do-or-die’ for England though, is it? It’s more of a do-or-maybe-not-do-just-don’t-get-absolutely-battered clash.

‘The match is to give a £270million boost to the UK economy as four million fans watch the game in pubs.’

We know hospitality prices are on the rise, but are they all going to spend £67.50 each?

‘Southgate and vice-captain Jordan Henderson heard Wales’ Kiefer Moore “would love” to knock England out.’

You know what he would probably love more? His name spelt right.


Driving home for football…
From the Metro:

‘The World Cup’s first Battle of Britain showdown will pit neighbours against each other as millions tune in tonight to watch England’s clash with Wales.

‘A television audience of 16million is predicted for the Group B encounter in Qatar, with many commuters expected to leave work early to make sure of being home for the 7pm kick-off.’

It’s just so wonderfully vague. And where the f*** are these people commuting from? The moon?

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