We have to talk about that Sun front page. But then we also have to talk about some ‘amazing’ and ‘brilliant’ stuff…
The Italian Jobby
There is no other place to start but that Sun front page, showing once again why football should be left to football journalists.
I mean, fucking hell… https://t.co/nPSRMWxz39
— Football365 (@F365) July 1, 2021
So many questions.
- Did nobody stop to consider that Harry Kane’s name is not spelled Caine?
- Did nobody stop to consider that Harry Kane’s name is not Michael?
- Have they even seen the Italian Job?
- If they have, did they fall asleep before the end?
- Did they fall asleep in 1969 and wake up thinking this was still a relevant cultural reference?
On the inside pages, the theme continues with a headline about ‘THE ITALIAN JOBSWORTHS’, who – the spoilsports – are trying to stop English fans ‘sneaking in’ to Italy in contravention with their quarantine laws because England have rapidly rising coronavirus cases. How petty.
In the army now
But those Italian officials cannot stop ‘recruits from a 30,000-strong band of lionhearts dubbed our “Salami Army”.
Skating over the fact that anybody English is automatically a ‘lionheart’, who the f*** has dubbed a group of English people in Italy the ‘Salami Army’. Well, The Sun, of course. Because stereotypes and war references. And. erm, absolutely nobody else, as Google and Twitter quickly tells us.
But nice effort from The Sun’s Nick Pisa to get things trending here…
Salami Army, surely ?
— nick pisa (@NickPisa) July 1, 2021
One like is so close to going viral.
Leave football to the football journalists, we said.
This is the football pull-out. The actual football pull-out. pic.twitter.com/QyxU0BowLv
— Football365 (@F365) July 1, 2021
We are fools.
Terry’s all gold
Oh and we did a little sick in our mouths at The Sun‘s ‘CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND’ back page.
No jokes. Just a little bit of sick.
The story is that ‘HARRY KANE came out swinging (he likes golf, you see) after criticism of his Euros form and insisted: I’m here because I’m good enough and I know it.’
He really doesn’t have to ‘insist’; he’s just won the Premier League Golden Boot in a season when he also notched the most assists.
The back page of the Daily Mail is dominated by tennis but they do find room for news that ‘GARETH SOUTHGATE faces an England selection headache for the Euro 2020 quarter-final against Ukraine on Saturday’, which is an incredibly alarmist way of saying that four players are a booking away from a suspension and ‘Kieran Trippier is carrying a slight muscular problem’.
Lost in space
On the inside pages of the Mail, we are treated to a guide to the Ukraine players.
‘AN ASTRONAUT, A CLASSICS READER & STEVIE G FAN: MEET THE UKRAINE TEAM.’
An astronaut, you say? The insurance must be through the roof. Great story though. Here is the Mail’s full low-down on Serhiy Kryvtsov:
‘Inconsistent performer at the heart of defence but a hugely popular figure in Ukraine who delivered online PE lessons for schoolchildren during lockdown.
‘A character, evidenced by his love of karaoke — he is apparently a talented vocalist — and his ambition is to fly into space as a tourist.’
Oh. For f**k’s sake.
It was pretty nice to see Jordan Henderson cheering on England from the sidelines; how would you describe his reaction?
— England (@England) June 30, 2021
If you answered with the word ‘BERSERK’ as in ‘Footage emerges of Jordan Henderson going BERSERK as he celebrates Harry Kane scoring England’s second goal against Germany while waiting to come on… before jubilant Three Lions star embraces Gareth Southgate on the touchline’ then congratulations, you could work for MailOnline.
Yes, cheering a goal definitely ranks as ‘out of control with anger or excitement; wild or frenzied’.
Over at The Sun website, they tell us ‘the amazing footage encapsulated just how much the victory meant to the nation and to the players looking to win a first major trophy since the 1966 World Cup’.
It’s a man celebrating a goal.
And if that footage is ‘amazing’, do you know what was ‘brilliant’? Let the Express website tell you…
‘England boss Gareth Southgate’s brilliant text message after Germany win comes to light’
We love text messages. And we particularly love brilliant text messages. What has he sent? Who has he sent it to? Everything is brilliant about Southgate at the moment.
Well, he has sent it to David Seaman. Let’s allow him to take up the story…
“I text him straight after the game and he was brilliant about it. He said to me ‘yeah, it’s been a long time coming!’”
Brilliant. Just brilliant.