Paris Saint-Germain won’t be able to shift Kylian Mbappe to a Premier League club. Newcastle can’t afford him and Roy Hodgson already managed OG Ronaldo.
The payment structure and paperwork nonsense was excruciating enough when Arsenal were completing a signing everyone knew was happening, even if Paris Saint-Germain are slightly more amenable to a sale than West Ham were.
Feels like a few apologies might be needed from Emi Martinez before Unai Emery and Monchi continue building a Europa Conference-winning machine.
Little did Bournemouth know but the decision to part with Gary O’Neil, who once spoke fondly of Alain Perrin’s former Portsmouth assistant and sacked PSG boss Christophe Galtier’s “knowledge and intelligence”, would come back to bite them when it came to signing the eternally loyal Mbappe.
Simple enough: Mbappe has a 2-0-3 career record against Manchester City and Brentford are level with the Premier League champions at 2-0-2 in the Frenchman’s lifetime. He’s just not compatible with true winners.
They almost certainly signed about 10 better prospects in three different continents across the last two years without anyone realising. One of them is already starring in pre-season.
Never before has a player earned a France cap while employed by Burnley. They have had internationals from Bermuda, Guyana and Trinidad and Tobago, but the two-time world champions? Obviously not.
After legitimately choosing not to sign a 12-year-old Mbappe following a week-long trial in 2011 because, in the words of one of his entourage, his “hunger” and work off the ball was questioned, the 24-year-old might as well not bother rocking back up at Stamford Bridge unless he has learned how to track back.
Roy Hodgson has already managed Ronaldo for a bit – five games in which the Brazilian naturally scored five goals – so putting his regen through double training sessions is unlikely to appeal.
The bloke has been in enough relegation battles to rule out the chances of perennial escapees Everton.
This one is entirely on Fulham for signing his unlicensed PES equivalent instead. Kevin Mbabu will have to do.
For as long as Jurgen Klopp remains ‘the Frenchless manager’– be quiet, Ibrahima Konate – a long-touted Anfield move for Mbappe cannot possibly be countenanced.
That away entrance is a deal-breaker unfortunately.
Pep Guardiola knows full well every training session would just be reduced to Mbappe and Kyle Walker ripping their tops off and furiously challenging each other to a #footrace.
They have tried spending record sums on a prodigious forward honed as a teenager by Monaco before and are still paying for that decision eight years later. Never again.
Don’t be daft. They can’t bloody afford him. Unless of course they manage to navigate another difficult Saudi Arabia sale. Jason Tindall to Al-Nassr for £500m ought to do it. Bargain.
The whole European Cup thing would be tough for Mbappe to overcome when it’s shoved in his face every day. And U17 World Cup winners Steve Cooper and Morgan Gibbs-White couldn’t care less about some poxy Jules Rimet. Sounds like someone who played 128 minutes and left in January after signing last season.
“An amazing moment for me and he was the only player that I have ever asked for his shirt after the game,” said actual Greek man George Baldock after a fine man-marking job on Mbappe during a recent European Championship qualifier. “I got his shirt, but then he asked for mine and I joked with him and said ‘You’re definitely leaving that in the changing room’.” It would be awkward to have both and Paul Heckingbottom knows there is only one choice if picking between the two.
The attacking players Spurs have signed from Ligue Un this millennium: Lucas Moura, Georges-Kevin Nkoudou, Clinton Njie and Adel Taarabt. The streets won’t forget them but everyone else wants to and Mbappe would be doomed to follow that path.
Tim Steidten wants him but David Moyes prefers the idea of Scott McTominay as a makeshift striker and David Sullivan is still trying to get Zlatan Ibrahimovic on the phone.
Wolves? Signing someone?! Ha ha ha ha ha.