I can’t explain
‘Roma won, scoring twice in the final four minutes through Radja Nainggolan, but it was not quite enough to force extra-time.
‘Instead Liverpool have added another game to their season, on the way to contest the Champions League final in Kiev on May 26.
‘It will take some explaining. Real Madrid, kings of Europe, are the last team left for Liverpool to beat’ – Neil Ashton, The Sun.
Damn right it will take some explaining; what the f*** are you on about?
Don’t stop the bunk
Elsewhere in The Sun, who can basically write what they please about Liverpool as no bugger but us is reading it, Chief Sports Writer Dave Kidd tells us:
‘JURGEN KLOPP had strolled into the Eternal City this week and declared that history was bunk.
‘Don’t you believe him.
‘He claimed that Liverpool’s vast wealth of heritage on the Continent meant nothing.’
No he didn’t, Dave, and you absolutely know that. Here is what he said:
“From the first minute you come into the club you are confronted straight away by the history. The story of Liverpool in Rome is great but nobody here thinks it helps a lot that our grandfathers won here.”
And he was absolutely right. There’s only one set of ‘bunk’ around here.
The alternative view
— Mirror Football (@MirrorFootball) May 2, 2018
‘Viewers’ is excellent – implying that these are just average, neutral Joes who were watching on television, and absolutely not bitter rival fans.
2018: When typing ‘Liverpool cheat’ in the Twitter search bar is journalism.
The Daily Mirror sent experienced Merseyside journalist David Maddock, their Chief Football Writer John Cross and their Chief Sports Writer Andy Dunn to Rome, so of course the top story on the Mirror Football website the morning after the night before is ‘Five things we noticed from Liverpool’s changing room celebration photo after booking place in European final’.
Because of course the logical conclusion to sending three men to Italy to write thousands of words is to ask another man to look at a picture/’iconic shot’.
And what does he ‘notice’? Well, he basically ‘notices’ that…
1) Mo Salah is wearing a towel. This prompts a whole load of nonsense about ‘having a shower, singing the ‘Mo Salah running down the wing’ song and lathering your hair with shampoo’. It seems that the one thing he didn’t ‘notice’ is that Salah is not in the slightest bit wet.
2) Sadio Mane is also wearing a towel and, well, basically, you can almost see his penis. But you can’t. So there you go.
3) Jordan Henderson’s face is obscured by the arm of Nathaniel Clyne. Apparently he will be ‘furious’. Yes, we imagine he really will be raging; talk about spoiling the whole ‘reaching the final of the Champions League’ thing.
4) Loris Karius is not in the picture. Now that is a good spot. Well done.
5) Two players are taking selfies. At this point we have basically lost the will to live.
You know what we have ‘noticed’? It’s basically all a load of old sh*te.
The Mane man (or not)
Jamie Redknapp, Daily Mail: ‘Sadio Mane was sensational in Rome, always deadly on the ball with his lightning pace.’
Rating from Dominic King, Daily Mail: 7/10.
The Daily Mail’s Manchester man Ian Ladyman wrote in October that ‘Jurgen Klopp must learn from Jose Mourinho’. This is absolutely not a piece that stands the test of time.
He wrote that ‘Klopp’s mission to restore Liverpool to a position at the top of the English game may not be running exactly on trajectory’ and that ‘in terms of the title, they will be coming from a terribly long way back’ if they lost to United that weekend. Hmmm.
While Liverpool were ‘wrestling with their modern identity’, Jose Mourinho’s United ‘have the look of a classic modern English team. Athletic, tall, powerful, pragmatic and mean.’
He continued: ‘Liverpool are quick, nimble and clever but continue to lack some basic ingredients. They lack some ‘street smarts’ and that is something that could never be said about a Mourinho team, no matter how pedestrian his football can sometimes appear.’
Apparently there are ‘holes’ in Klopp’s plan – namely that they cannot win games 1-0 – and Ladyman suggested that ‘as they go in search of Klopp’s first ‘title’, (if) there is anything this Liverpool team can learn from the ones before them and, indeed, the United side that they face on Saturday, it is surely this.’
Because of course United showed ‘street smarts’ when they played Sevilla at home in the last 16 and somehow contrived to lose 2-1.
So this might explain why Ladyman went to Rome to see Liverpool, watched them reach the Champions League final and then praised Roma for ‘losing gloriously’, wrote that Liverpool are ‘full of frailty and capriciousness’, suggested Trent Alexander-Arnold should not play in the final after his ‘horror show’, said things ‘did go wrong’ for Liverpool and mused that ‘Klopp’s team have missed the steadying influence and young legs of Emre Can in the midfield’ despite the fact that the German missed both legs against Manchester City and the semi-final first leg against Roma.
Oh and ‘Roma had 23 attempts on goal during this game and that cannot happen again if Liverpool are to lift the trophy’. Well, Roma did win 4-2, Ian. That cannot happen again if Liverpool are to lift the trophy. But as Real Madrid will not be starting the game 5-2 behind, we suspect we may see a slightly different match.
Oh and Bayern Munich had 22 attempts on goal in the second leg against Real. That cannot happen again if Real Madrid are to lift the trophy, to be fair.
Danny Murphy, Sky Sports News, May 2018, incredulous at the idea of Zeljko Buvac – known as ‘The Brain’ by Jurgen Klopp – taking over at Arsenal.
“I would find it unbelievable to appoint someone who has never, ever managed as a number one at a club like Arsenal. I think that would be ridiculous for a club like Arsenal.
“It doesn’t matter how intelligent he is or what he’s done because doing it as a number two is nothing like doing it as a number one.”
So it must have been a different Danny Murphy who reacted to poor Manchester United form in November 2015 on talkSPORT:
“I would give it to Giggs. At least until the end of the season to see how it goes.
“He looks like he wants it, he is passionate and he knows how United fans want them to play.”
So to clarify, it’s only ‘ridiculous’ to appoint a man who has “never, ever managed as a number one at a club like Arsenal” if you don’t know him.
If I Fell…
‘Manchester United midfielder Marouane Fellaini was never good enough and is worth nowhere near £50m’ is the headline on Sun online and Neil Custis is angry at the cheek of Marouane Fellaini in suggesting that he holds all the cards in his Manchester United contract negotiations.
We are tempted to stop you there, Neil, because we are pretty sure that nobody has said that Fellaini is worth anywhere near £50m. But let’s hear you out…
‘Fellaini can leave the club as a free agent come the summer and seems smug at the thought that United will lose a transfer fee for not giving him a new deal when he wanted one last season.
‘Listen to this from him:
‘”It costs £50million minimum to buy a good new player. So the club knew they made a mistake with me.”
‘Yes a good player does cost at least that so I would half it and maybe half it again to get the 30-year-old Belgium midfielder’s value.’
Is Fellaini saying he is worth £50m? Is he balls. Is he saying that Manchester United missed out on £50m? Is he balls.
What he is saying is that United will have to spend considerable money to replace him, which is absolutely true. You told us to ‘listen’ but then heard something entirely different.
Custis eviscerates Fellaini at length and throws in a dig at Louis van Gaal’s ‘philosophy’; that ‘fat man’ jibe clearly still hurts. Who wants to tell him that Fellaini played his most minutes in a Manchester United shirt last season under Jose Mourinho?
‘Even when fully fit, would you pick him ahead of Paul Pogba, Nemanja Matic, Ander Herrera or the promising Scott McTominay who was given the Manager’s Player of The Year Trophy by Jose Mourinho on Wednesday night?’
Well, we wouldn’t, but your beloved Mourinho picked him ahead of Pogba, Herrera and McTominay for a must-win Champions League clash with Sevilla, Neil. It did not go well.