Will all the famous men win the Women’s World Cup?

Date published: Friday 28th June 2019 12:01

The ‘oh just f*** off’ vaguely football headline of the year
‘David Beckham kisses daughter Harper, 7, on the lips AGAIN as they watch Women’s World Cup quarter final’ – The Sun.


REVEALED: It was the men that won it
It’s wonderful to see England’s triumphant women’s football team on the back pages of all Friday morning’s newspapers. It really is. Things have really changed.

But then you navigate to the football homepage of MailOnline and you are confronted with this:

‘REVEALED: The secrets of England’s stunning win – Beckham gave the team talk (but was late!), an Olympic legend sent a stirring video message and Ian Wright cracked jokes with players in the build-up’

All those years of hard work, dedication and sacrifice from all those women, but they clearly could not have beaten a team nine places below them in the FIFA rankings if it weren’t for David Beckham, Ian Wright and an unnamed female ‘Olympic legend’. Nobody Googles ‘Dame Katherine Grainger’, you see.

Sisters doing it for themselves? Shush, for behind every great (wo)man, there has to be several great men who will get people clicking…


Biggie Smalls
The Manchester Evening News were trying to keep calm at 08.06 on Friday morning with still no announcement about Aaron Wan-Bissaka:

‘8am has come and gone…And still no announcement. Though if you need a transfer announcement to make or let you get on with your day you may want to reassess matters. He’s signed. The contract length is known and so is the fee.’

Yep. They’re not sweating this. It’s no big deal. We can all talk about something else…

We presume somebody at the MEN is ‘reassessing matters’ as we speak.


When you wish upon a star…
When definitely not panicking about Aaron Wan-Bissaka not being officially announced, the MEN are busy extrapolating all sorts of nonsense from mundane events. Days after watching Daniel James train sent Samuel Luckhurst off on the most remarkable of Memphis Depay tangents, Joe Bray has joined the party…

‘Daniel James trains with Premier League players ahead of Manchester United pre-season’

…is the headline as Bray writes that ‘ahead of the first day of pre-season next week, James has travelled to a fitness camp in Dubai with three other Premier League stars’.

And who are these ‘three other Premier League stars’?

‘Crystal Palace’s Jeff Schlupp’ – Well he does play in the Premier League – 18 starts in all last season for Roy Hodgson’s men. Star? That’s debatable. Carry on.

‘Former United defender Danny Simpson who was recently released by 2016 champions Leicester’ – Well he has won the Premier League. Though he does not actually have a Premier League club right now.

‘Reading defender Liam Moore was also alongside James as the group prepared for the new season at the K3 Performance camp’ – Liam Moore (of the Championship) last played Premier League football in 2015. He is neither Premier League nor a star.

So let us fix that headline for you:

‘Daniel James trains with other footballers ahead of Manchester United pre-season.’

You’re welcome.


Money, money, money
It’s Friday so Neil Ashton has the ‘inside track on football’s big stories’ in The Sun. Bizarrely, that ‘inside track’ is quite often completely different to a previous ‘inside track’. He is basically overtaking himself on the inside.

So on May 4, Ashton wrote this:

‘MAURICIO POCHETTINO has been promised he can spend big at Tottenham this summer.

‘Chairman Daniel Levy will give frustrated Poch a massive transfer budget to take the club to the next level.’

And there’s more…

‘Poch’s ambitions were restricted by building a new stadium — but it is now a 62,000-seater money-making machine.

‘With profits last year of £140m, Spurs are in a powerful position to start competing for some of the best players.’

Fast-forward seven long weeks and, despite having a ‘money-making machine’, Tottenham are now desperate to ‘trim the fat from their squad’ to pay for these new signings. But we thought they were in a ‘powerful position’? The ‘inside track’ can be a confusing place.

‘With Spurs finally starting to make some signings – their first since January 31, 2018 – boss Mauricio Pochettino needs to shave a few quid off the wage bill.’

So let’s get this straight: Pochettino has a ‘massive transfer budget’ but he cannot spend it because he has still not found a taker for Vincent Janssen, just two months before the end of the European transfer window.


They think it’s all over…
Mediawatch is getting a tad bored of saying ‘it’s only June’ but ‘IT’S ONLY F***ING JUNE’.

The MailOnline are the latest to write as if the transfer window is basically closed – six weeks before it actually closes in England and over two months before it closes in the rest of Europe.

‘Mesut Ozil is set to stay at Arsenal next season as the club’s plan to offload their top earner stalls.’

It’s June 28.

‘The Gunners are yet to receive any formal approaches for their 30-year-old World Cup winner.’

It’s June 28.


Amid summer night’s dream
Now we’re not saying that the Daily Mirror website think they have hit upon a headline that works and are flogging it until it bleeds, but here are their last five on the subject of Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang:

‘Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang reaffirms commitment to Arsenal amid Man Utd transfer link’

‘Arsenal star Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang ‘says yes’ to shock Man Utd transfer’

And then…less than three hours later:

‘Arsenal fans react to claims Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang ‘wants transfer to Man Utd’

One hour after that…

‘Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang’s promise from 2016 sheds light on transfer plans amid Man Utd link’

And then…

‘Arsenal drop big hint over Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang’s future amid Man Utd link’

And what is that hint ‘amid Man Utd link’? Is it the kit launch? Please say it’s the kit launch. Of course it’s the f***ing kit launch.


Recommended reading of the day
Sean Ingle on a polite English invasion

Rory Smith on Caroline Graham Hansen

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