You won’t believe Takumi Minamino’s huge Liverpool ‘plans’…

Simple plans
So Liverpool have agreed a deal to sign Takumi Minamino from RB Salzburg in January. But one question remains: what are his ambitions?

Let’s ask the Metro website:

‘Takumi Minamino plans to win Champions League and Premier League after Liverpool transfer’

The kid – who has just joined the reigning European champions and current runaway Premier League leaders – sure is a dreamer.

Cheers, Son’s crying
Of course, Minamino is absolute SEO gold right now. Get his name in the headline and URL and watch the clicks roll in.

The problem is that everyone is reporting the same thing. The deal itself, the potential debut against Everton, his quotes, Jurgen Klopp’s quotes, his shirt number. There is no new, original information.

Which is an issue for those who opt not to do deep thinkpieces or analyses, like the Daily Express website. So…

‘Liverpool fans troll Tottenham as Reds announce Takumi Minamino signing’

Yes, it is a handful of Liverpool fans on Twitter claiming that Minamino is now the best Asian player in the Premier League.

Yes, that is an attempt to ‘troll’ Tottenham by referencing Heung-min Son.

Yes, it is just terrible and predictable.

Pierre into the future
On that note…

‘Furious Arsenal fans demand Aubameyang is stripped of the captaincy after brother blasts incoming manager Arteta’ – The Sun.

That would be *five* Arsenal fans, despite attempts to make it seem like considerably more by both embedding disgruntled tweets and then copying and pasting the exact same ones later on.

It doesn’t feel like enough to warrant a story.

Express delivery
But back to Minamino and the Daily Express website, who also have some insight on ‘How Liverpool could line up with new signing Takumi Minamino in January’.

Well, he ‘can play in any position across the halfway line’, because Liverpool have apparently spent £7.25m on a table football figure.

But where else could ‘the jet-heeled hassler’ feature? It turns out that Liverpool ‘could line up’ with a player who can play in midfield or attack in either midfield or attack.

Thanks. For. That.

Slip of the tongue
Props to the Daily Express website for this understated headline, mind.

‘Steven Gerrard plots transfer window overhaul as Rangers slip five points adrift of Celtic’

Demba Ba would be proud.

Too Kewell for school
Liverpool did actually play on Wednesday, and Harry Kewell was there to watch it for BBC Sport.

His hot take? That Virgil van Dijk is good.

“When I watch Liverpool play, I see Virgil constantly talking to everyone around him. He is always communicating with his full-backs, and the people in front of him.

“Yes people talk about him being a great defender because he can play out from the back and is comfortable on the ball, but a defender’s first job is to defend – and, in the case of Van Dijk, it is to organise the rest of his defence too.

“That is what Liverpool missed the most against Monterrey. No-one had his kind of defensive vision, or ability to spot danger.”

It feels like Liverpool probably missed Fabinho ‘the most’, really. Adam Lallana was worse in the midfield anchor role than actual midfielder Jordan Henderson was at centre-half.

Xherdan Shaqiri and Divock Origi were pretty bad, too. Perhaps Liverpool missed a versatile forward’ the most’. If only they could work out where to play Minamino.

“Despite their lack of composure at the back, they actually defended pretty well for the most part but one thing I would criticise was the goal they conceded.”

Oh. So they didn’t miss Van Dijk all that much, just in one situation?

“No-one saw Stefan Medina’s run to the far post, and once he had the leap on Naby Keita, there was no way Keita could defend it. After that, they did not really defend as a unit when the ball was in the box.

“I don’t see that happening if Van Dijk is on the pitch.”

You don’t see Naby Keita losing a header if Virgil van Dijk was playing? Fair enough.

Mediawatch will go ahead and assume Liverpool looked a little defensively suspect because two midfielders – Henderson and James Milner – comprised their entire right-hand side, with Joe Gomez still returning to full fitness. If they missed Van Dijk, they sure as hell missed Dejan Lovren, Joel Matip and Fabinho, too.

He’s a keeper
The star in Qatar, as identified by The Sun‘s Charlie Wyett, was Alisson:

‘For those old enough to remember, Liverpool versus Flamengo takes us back to December 1981 and the Intercontinental Cup, this tournament in another life before Fifa started weaving its magic.

‘On that day, it was Bruce Grobbelaar who had the goals stuck past him as the Reds lost 3-0.

‘Even though Liverpool were all over the place with Virgil van Dijk missing with illness, it is still difficult to see Alisson conceding three goals in a game, because it does feel as though Klopp has the best stopper on his planet.’

Well it happened as recently as May at the Nou Camp. And also in January against Crystal Palace at Anfield. And it might ‘feel as though Klopp has the best stopper on his planet’ (yes, his planet) because he was literally voted as such earlier this month.

Ruddy Times
In The Times, Alyson Rudd has managed to find three letters more laborious and infuriating than VAR:

‘In some respects, Arteta is the antidote to Emery and Ljungberg. While the latter has the DNA, during his short tenure he has lacked charisma and authority.’

It’s almost as if this notion of ‘DNA’ is, was and always has been a load of utter balls.

‘It was difficult to work out, at the start, how much the man from Sweden wanted the role permanently although by the time the team lost at home to Manchester City on Sunday it seemed pretty clear that he found the role more of a chore than an honour and he urged the club to find the right full-time coach as soon as possible.’

This despite having the DNA. Who’d have thunk it?

‘Arteta, then, has the DNA but it would be unwise for Josh Kroenke to repeat the importance of it given the disappointments under Ljungberg.’

So appoint him, in part because he ‘has the DNA’, but do not mention that he ‘has the DNA’. Because the last time you mentioned that someone had the DNA, they turned out to still not be very good in spite of having the DNA.

‘Untested DNA is a risk…’

That’s about enough.

Taking the Mik
How much is too much to pay for ‘untested DNA’? The Sun are handily here to answer a question that sounds far more nauseating than was intended.

‘City sources say they have not had any formal contact from Arsenal over their assistant manager.

‘They want a whopping £2million in compensation for Arteta – and are angry at the conduct of their Premier League rivals.’

Arsenal spent twice as much as that on Sebastien Squillaci. What makes £2m for a head coach ‘whopping’ when players routinely cost considerably more?

Recommended reading of the day
Andy Brassell on Dortmund.

Graham Hunter on El Clasico.

Melissa Reddy on Liverpool.