Or 'convicted criminal exposes young men for having legal fun...four months ago'.
Alisson was either Liverpool's worst player or "sensational". United v Arsenal was 'just like the old days'.
And by 'proof', we mean an utterly irrelevant and out of context example from 25 years ago. Viva Man United!
Four straight defeats and it's Eddie Howe's Englishness that is the problem? Behave.
Probably not. Plus, how could Sky Sports possibly know that David Moyes would take the Southampton job? Sources!
In the worlds of Paul Merson and Tim Sherwood, who is baffled by Arsenal being favourites this weekend...
It really is a close one. Oh, Tottenham won? Wait, what? Plus Jose Mourinho just needs a holiday.
It's one or the other, no in between. Man United winning in the last minute has sent everyone mad.
My word. He still expects Man Utd to finish third or fourth. Plus, he really does use his imagination....
Arsenal won. They really did. And yet Mesut Ozil was the story. Oh and we are worried about Neil Custis.
Wow. Plus, why did Didier Drogba never win Player of the Month? And some international break maths...
Marcus Rashford was up for the Man United 'fight' two months ago. What's bloody happened?
It's a typical international week Mediawatch - full of absolute nonsense. Enjoy...
The back pages are fascinating when there is no news to speak of. One poor Sun man has to partner with a ghost...
Sam Allardyce has got England bang to rights here. They just can't score from open play.
It's certainly one of the least accurate. It's absolutely mental stuff from the man who has the 'inside track'.
The final Premier League table has been REVEALED, so we might as well just pack it in now.
'Liverpool could launch double transfer raid on Fulham', apparently. But only if they're really stupid.
We don't usually pity a Sun reporter, but we can make an exception. Plus, Stan Collymore nonsense and more...
Seriously, that's just mental. Plus, Man United went from 'last-action heroes' to a 'miserable imitation'...
Can you get any more patronising? Oh, you could! Plus, some Danny Welbeck click-baitery...
Only The Sun are capable of bringing Man City and Man United fans together. This is quite something.
This is not what we have come to expect from the BBC. Plus, more utter guff.
Did you know that Mauricio Pochettino watches House of Cards like an actual human? Mad.
Stan Collymore, of course. It's all about DNA..except when it's not. And TAA in a team of the week?
"How many 35-year-olds are there in the Premier League?" asks Paul Merson. How about the joint-third top scorer?
One goal and two assists in this Liverpool side is worthy of 'signing of the season' status, apparently.
Wow. There is some absolute bull in the football media. Including Fernandinho as a non-fouling master of the dark arts.
Who could possibly replace Jose Mourinho? And the biggest story in football today is...
Do you look at Anthony Martial 'mucking in by the corner flag' and think of Eden Hazard?
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