Emile Heskey? Roberto Firmino is no donkey. In fact, he's Eric Cantona, only actually good in Europe.
Roberto Firmino is rubbish, apparently. This lot know the value of a striker who lets others do the scoring.
As we all prepare to smuggle our own confectionery into cinemas again, here are ten Hollywood football fans.
Can Paul Pogba and Bruno Fernandes coexist? And who will adorn their fireplaces with golden trinkets?
There is, obviously, no Paul Scholes or Ryan Giggs. But we do find room for fellas from Man Utd and Liverpool...
There is no Ryan Giggs to be found on this list, but one Manchester United icon does make the cut...
Seven years since Sir Alex Ferguson bowed out on a 5-5 draw, we look at ten famous failed football farewells.
How good could Michael Owen have been with enough hamstrings in his right leg? Join us in getting quite sad.
Eight years after Drogba did Liverpool dirty, here are ten players that shone brightest on the biggest stages.
Which players are far and away the greatest ever produced by their country? This was bloody fun.
Gary Lineker and Ian Wright got us thinking: who are the most influential players in Premier League history?
Salah may be the fall guy if Liverpool reinvent their attacking wheel. Many others are considering their last moves.
The Prem has played host to some titanic clashes over the years. Some players couldn't stand each other.
Eric Cantona, Nigel Pearson and Lionel Messi make Jack Grealish look positively remorseful.
Might Harry Kane up sticks and leave his childhood sweetheart? Spurs, we mean. Not his wife. Don't do that.
We are talking records that will NEVER be broken, not probably won't be. Man Utd obviously make an appearance.
A Liverpool capitulation. Jose Mourinho becoming an Amazon courier. Sam Allardyce achieving his ultimate form...
Liverpool can lay claim to two of the best free transfers in Premier League history. But not 1).
Much was expected of this lot this season. But for various reasons, they've all gone backwards...
Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester City and Middlesbrough have representatives, too. But Liverpool dominate.
Virgil van Dijk is in the top ten. But is he in the top three? The Premier League has had some Dutch legends...
Who would have thought appointing Steve Bruce was a masterstroke? Or Liverpool standing still?
A new DoF for Manchester United. Silverware for Wolves. A sacking for David Moyes. And so very much more...
Tim Sherwood and John Carver narrowly missed the cut for our top ten Premier League managers of the decade.
Aston Villa, Norwich and Southampton have more representatives on this list than Arsenal.
What did no-one see coming this season? Chelsea being so damn good, for one. Watford not, for two.
Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man City, Man United and Spurs are all represented.
Liverpool, Leicester, Chelsea and even Norwich are safe. We're not angry with Marcus Rashford, just disappointed.
Imagine how bad Man Utd would have been without their three new signings...
As is tradition, it's time to base our opinions for the entire Premier League season solely on the first weekend.
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