England player ratings as Pickford, Bellingham and subs shine in ludicrous win over Mexico

Well that was certainly a football match that happened.

A truly extraordinary World Cup last-16 clash saw England run out 3-2 winners over Mexico at the Azteca, but that tells only a fraction of the story of a game featuring a red card, two penalties and an astonishing late rearguard from a Three Lions defence that hasn’t looked remotely like they had that in them in the tournament up to now.

A truly ridiculous spectacle to be watching at four in the morning. But also magnificent.

Jordan Pickford

Absolutely immense in a critic-answering game he seemed to relish thoroughly. Fine save low to his left to keep Raul Jimenez’s header out of his bottom corner on 15 minutes and then another high to his right from the same source in that frenzied period just before half-time. That one was a touch more Hollywood than the genuinely brilliant first save – which was Gordon Banks off Pele for the TikTok generation – but both were vital for preserving what England had at that febrile stage of proceedings.

Could do nothing about the first goal, the second was a penalty where he lost a battle of wits with Raul Jimenez, and then spent the rest of England’s breathless attempt to see the game out making a series of correct decisions about when to come, and what to do when he did, as well as giving us a couple of examples of our very favourite bit of Pickford business: big daft flamboyant dives at shots he, we, and literally everyone inside the stadium know to be well off target. Hero.

The apologies are already coming in.

Jarell Quansah

He was doing absolutely fine. Right up until he wasn’t. A desperate and unnecessary challenge that could have only one outcome, the touch on the ball quite correctly not saving him from the fate a reckless studs-up challenge into an opponent’s shinbone should always suffer.

The right-back curse continues to strike in many and varied ways for England. Not sure Keir Starmer or Andy Burnham or whoever’s in charge now will be trying to get Infantino to let Quansah off with this one.

Nico O’Reilly

Was bubbling over when he was subbed. Don’t think it was a ‘save him from himself’ situation because it all seemed to be planned before he started getting all pointy-elbowed with the Mexicans, but it probably did save him from himself.

We remain for now entirely unconvinced that England’s defending and defenders more generally give them the right to play a free-role left-back, but outside of this kind of backs-to-the-(Wonder)wall effort we’re not sure England can do that much differently.

Even his shot that hit the post was actually deflected there.

Ezri Konsa

We genuinely have no idea what’s happened to Konsa at this tournament. Sure, we never thought he was a world-beater or anything like that. But a solid reliable sort to play in the middle of your defence against what is, thus far, quite limited opposition? It should have been fine. It has not been fine.

Struggled desperately again at centre-back, with his best work coming when he was shuffled out to right-back post red-card. He was running on fumes by the end and at the very least joins the ranks of those whose commitment to throwing everything on the line for the cause could not be questioned. Cut out a couple of crosses at source, and given the carnage that was ensuing, any of those interventions could have been absolutely vital.

Marc Guehi

Seemed to enjoy himself when it was just time to defend in very English fashion for an extended period of time. There is something to be said for simplicity in a complicated world.

Declan Rice

Picked up an incredibly stupid booking in the very first minute for a high foot in an entirely unnecessary area of the pitch but given everything that followed he managed the situation extraordinarily well. Remains to be seen how much he emptied the tank across the 100-odd minutes after that early error, but England cannot be without him in a big game as he showed perfectly here.

Elliot Anderson

Brilliant pressing to regain possession high up the pitch to set England on their way for the second goal at a time when all things seemed possible but there were errors too in a performance that lacked his usual control.

Telling that when Thomas Tuchel felt it necessary to go to a back five it was Anderson he hooked rather than the booked and cooked Rice.

Bukayo Saka

Clearly not operating at full match sharpness regardless of altitude, but showed plenty of willingness going forward and back and the cross from which Jude Bellingham opened the scoring was delicious. He may not be at his best, but it’s still undeniable that England simply look a better team when he’s on the pitch, whether that’s as a starter or a finisher. But he had to be sacrificed after Quansah’s moment of madness as England were forced to rejig and scramble through via defending for their lives.

Anthony Gordon

Looked England’s likeliest route to something in the early stages with a couple of enterprising runs that forced corners and a wonderful bit of skill to keep the ball in play that was followed by a tame cross straight to Raul Rangel.

Completed his best game for England by winning that crucial penalty for the third. It was exactly as much of a penalty, incidentally, as the one Harry Kane didn’t get against DR Congo. The crucial difference is that Gordon, unlike Kane, was able to avoid instigating the Dive Animation in his fall. We remain clear that any time a goalkeeper comes out like that and doesn’t get the ball, it’s a penalty and that ‘initiating contact’ is utter woke nonsense designed to make a straightforward decision a matter of opinion.

Jude Bellingham

Stunning, just stunning. Basically had a hat-trick in the first half with his two goals and an outrageous clearance to prevent Mexico making it 2-2 in what at the time felt like an incredibly tense passage of play, but one that was rendered a pleasant stroll in the park by the thundering chaos of that second half.

An inevitably reduced role in that second half for all England’s attacking players but still involved in absolutely everything. Remember when he was a divisive soloist? Good times.

Harry Kane

Another knockout stage goal for the man who only stat-pads in group games, but it was a penalty wasn’t it? Doesn’t really count, even though it meant everything. Led the line imperiously until his late withdrawal as England placed all their eggs firmly in the ‘scramble over the line in normal time’ basket.

Highlight of his performance was the assist for Bellingham’s second. Bellingham and Kane might be the only two people on earth who didn’t think Kane was going to shoot there.

A touch unlucky with the penalty he conceded; it was a penalty, but it’s also one that would never, ever have been given or complained about before we so pitifully handed our game over to the nerds and boffins to micro-manage and pore over looking for every little thing.

Magnificent post-match interview with three per cent of his voice intact as well. He and England go again.

Substitutes

John Stones (for Saka, 57)

The continued struggles of Guehi and especially Konsa in the middle of England’s defence raise valid questions about just how finished Stones might actually be, but brought on to do a very specific job in very specific circumstances here and did it admirably well.

England really did defend well once they’d decided defending was all they’d be doing, and Stones was as good as anyone.

Djed Spence (for O’Reilly, 74)

A genuinely brilliant and vital cameo. One good thing about having a defender who can only really defend and offers very little going forward is that sometimes in a major tournament you have to spend a good bit of time just defending and not going forward.

Cut off plenty at source when brought on as what we guess was nominally left wing-back in England’s back five for those immensely stressful final minutes and made one stunning and vital tackle in particular. He’s had to put up with a lot of very unfair sh*t during this tournament, and we are unapologetically delighted for him getting to play such a significant part in how England saw this win out.

Dan Burn (for Anderson, 74)

Largely magnificent and magnificently large. We had a joke already to go here about how England needed to bring on 1114 Dan Burns, but at times in those final minutes it actually felt like they had.

What he does have are a very particular set of skills, acquired over a very long career, that make him a nightmare for a team just trying to launch the ball into the penalty box over and over again.

It’s impossible to say a game this absurd – one that surely approached ‘its own Wikipedia page’ status by the end – could have one defining image. But if we did have to pick one, we might very well go for Burn calmly and without a moment’s hesitation putting his head firmly and successfully in the way of Raul Jimenez’s overhead kick.

Morgan Rogers (for Kane, 90)

Brought on to try and alleviate the pressure in whatever way he could, with Kane having run out of puff and nobody able to stop the game being entirely defence v attack at that point.

Did a thankless but vital task very well indeed, more than once eating up a few valuable seconds with the tiny crumbs of service he had to feed on.