England placed on World Cup red alert as Bellingham handed ‘strong warning’

We desperately need the World Cup to actually start now please now. The nonsense is overwhelming.

The Great Scapegoating of Bellingham has begun in earnest a week out from England’s first game, but in better news the Three Lions have been named as a possible winner by the ‘Living Nostradamus’ which is absolutely great news until you see the rest of his absolute horsesh*t.

There’s somehow even still room for a little bit of Spurs nonsense.

The Bad Tuch

Elsewhere in the esteemed pages of F365, outside Mediawatch’s sordid little grief hole where we fear to tread, you’ll find a list of 10 predictions for the World Cup.

One of those is that Jude Bellingham will be the scapegoat a wounded and angry nation will inevitably require at some point over the weeks ahead. Not exactly a Nostradamus-level piece of soothsaying (this is foreshadowing, by the way), and regular Mediawatch readers won’t need reminding of what might lead someone to that conclusion.

Not sure any of us really thought it might all begin a week before England even kick a ball in anger, mind.

But here comes John ‘Crossy’ Cross in the Daily Mirror.

Thomas Tuchel sends strong warning to Jude Bellingham over England role at World Cup

Uh-oh. Trouble ahead here for sure.

And by the standfirst, that strong warning has grown graver still.

Jude Bellingham has once again earned a spot in England’s squad for the World Cup but boss Thomas Tuchel has sent the midfielder a brutal message on the eve of the tournament.

A brutal message? Everything’s fallen apart. This is worse than the Supercomputer and Express readers’ poll combined.

Thomas Tuchel has insisted England can win the World Cup without Jude Bellingham.

Be weird if he said they couldn’t.

Real Madrid superstar Bellingham is England’s biggest name…

We must just interrupt here to remind everyone that 79-goal striker and literal current favourite for the Ballon d’Or Harry Kane exists.

… but Tuchel made it clear the midfielder is in a three-way fight with Morgan Rogers and Eberechi Eze to start in the No10 role.

But let’s not get completely bogged down. Let’s just look at what Tuchel actually said in his ‘strong warning’ and ‘brutal message’.

“Well, we have a lot of proof we can win football matches without Jude and that’s the more important headline. Jude is with us.

“Jude is in amazing form but we have to stop talking about individuals. Jude is in a sweet spot. But Jude will not win this World Cup alone. It’s simply impossible.

“No-one will win this World Cup alone. We win it as a team. What will we do if Jude has an injury tomorrow and hopefully he will not have one.”

The brutal revelation straight from the horse’s mouth that even in ‘amazing form’ (which doesn’t sound like a very brutal thing to say about someone, to be honest) the big Fraud of Fraud Hall Jude Fraudingham can’t even win a whole World Cup on his own.

Tuchel even went so far as to acknowledge that England have other good footballers besides Jude Bellingham, embarrassing the Real Madrid star by insisting that Morgan Rogers and Ebere Eze are also quite good.

Might as well just send Bellingham home in disgrace now. Save us all time and upset. We’re too angry to even investigate whether there is in fact any actual supporting evidence for the idea Jude Bellingham was or is under the impression he could win a whole World Cup entirely on his own.

Kane is able

You don’t always get such a clear and obvious contrast in how different footballers are treated, but while Bellingham is having his ego checked and brutal warnings sent his way, the Mirror, having remembered he exists, are also out here tickling Harry Kane’s balls for the ‘classy touch’ of sending a message to Christian Eriksen after the Dane collapsed on the pitch for the second time.

Now we’re not saying it wasn’t a nice thing for Kane to have done, but it is a ludicrously low bar for ‘classy touch’ territory. Imagine if Kane hadn’t reached out to his friend and long-time colleague.

Legs ELEVEN

The Tottenham squad overhaul continues apace, with The Sun breathlessly reporting:

Tottenham release ELEVEN players including Europa League final star who was banished from squad by Thomas Frank

The ‘Europa League final star who was banished from squad by Thomas Frank’ is, of course, Yves Bissouma. His departure at the end of his contract is hardly surprising, but we’ll concede it constitutes legitimate news.

But there’s a reason he’s the only person to make the headline. Because the rest of those ELEVEN players have made precisely ONE senior appearance for Spurs between them. We all remember with great fondness Matthew Craig’s late substitute appearance in a 4-1 win over Leeds on the final day of the 2022/23 season.

Red alert

This is the good stuff. This is the World Cup content we all want to see, courtesy of the utter maniacs at the Daily Star.

‘Living Nostradamus’ predicts ‘dark horse’ World Cup winner and where England will finish

You had us at ‘Living Nostradamus’.

39-year-old Brazilian mystic Athos Salomé has been dubbed the ‘Modern Day Living Nostradamus’ by people and in his arsenal of ‘correct’ predictions he claims came true are major world events including the devastating Covid-19 pandemic, the invasion of Ukraine, and the death of Queen Elizabeth II.

What a dubbing that is, by the way.

However, giddy as we may be about all this, we – as we’re sure you did too – couldn’t help by be slightly alarmed by those scare quotes around ‘correct’ there. Almost – almost – suggests that his predictions might be wishy-washy vague bollocks that can be retrofitted after the event to all manner of outcomes. We’re sure that’s not it, though. We’re sure he’s the real deal. Let’s read on.

The soothsayer has achieved somewhat of a peculiar cult status when it comes to international sports analysis and predictions. While not a conventional sports pundit, he claims to have predicted the precise course of the 2024 Euro Cup, as well as correctly prophesizing that Argentina and France would be the two finalists in the 2022 World Cup held in Qatar.

Congrats on predicting the precise course of the ‘2024 Euro Cup’ and naming France and Argentina as the finalists in 2022. No, you’re fine, we don’t need to see any proof whatsoever of this. You seem trustworthy.

But never mind past ‘correct’ predictions. Who’s winning the World Cup this year is what we want to know.

The parapsychologist says his ‘intuition’ is picking up ‘visions dominated by an unusually vivid and intense sensory palette’.

While the psychic hasn’t outrightly named a champion just yet, he has a strong direction towards which he’s leaning, as he shares: “There is red. A great deal of red or orange.”

Hahahahaha! Red. Definitely red. Or maybe orange. How handy that this means the definitely-not-a-fraud soothsayer can have Spain and Portugal and Netherlands running for him from the get-go. That’s the outright favourite and three of the current top eight in the betting. What good luck.

But wait. He isn’t finished. Not by a long way. Because our man is quick to point out that his red prediction also gets Morocco onside, which is fair enough. But who else might it cover?

England. Don’t forget England. They count as well.

“England boasts a highly competitive squad looking to break a decades-long drought. They are historically tied to iconic red away kits during defining moments.”

And you know who else has a tiny bit of red on their kit? France. They’re also in.

…the psychic has backed up his ‘fiery’ claims as he shares that the “red accents on France’s traditional kit” will bring “maximum friction to the pitch”.

That’s the top four in the betting covered off now. But still our new hero isn’t done. Because you’ll never guess who else his fiery red vision covers? That’s right, it’s only the bloody defending champions Argentina. How so?

“They exhibit pure heat and intensity in terms of team spirit, even though they lack red in their traditional look.”

So there you have it. The ‘Living Nostradamus’ has spoken and the World Cup will be won by Spain. Or maybe Portugal. Possibly England. If not them then definitely Netherlands. Unless it’s Argentina, France or Morocco.

We’re just surprised he didn’t notice that Germany have a bit of red on their kit as well, or that Brazil has an r in it, and red begins with r. We’re sure those will apply if need be. Or Belgium. It could definitely have been Belgium, couldn’t it?

Anyway. No real point playing the tournament now.