I watched 10 live football matches on TV (and MOTD) as Premier League returned
Last Friday, as Sky Sports got their Premier League coverage underway again 90 minutes before kick-off (after a Dioga Jota tribute) with goals and action from the past, all it accidentally proved is how much better it used to be, from Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira in the tunnel to Tony Yeboah’s volley. Ooops.
They followed that with Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher being serious and it was a sharp reminder of what awaits us for 10 long months. It was hard to avoid the feeling Sky chose this first fixture thinking Liverpool would walk it; predictability is much valued by the executive vampires.
Peter Drury was on hand for pre-match excited shouting; Kelly Cates was tasked with getting people to fill for 90 minutes, but you absolutely knew people would talk about Liverpool ad infinitum. That much is always certain.
There’s a trend for filming them filming interviews in a rather meta development. Then there was Kasabian, one of those strangely uncharismatic, anonymous rock bands, hailing from Leicester, performing the new title music, G.O.A.T. Safe to say, as far as bands from Leicester go, they’re no Family (ask yer grandad).
Clearly they think Kasabian fit their target audience and as they’re a bit restrained and faceless, maybe they do. Afterwards the singer looked like he’d been caught doing something illegal and was as magnetic as denim.
Obviously it was all an hour too long and seemed to be designed to more for PR than entertainment. With 20 minutes to go, there was a touch of ‘oh God, there’s still 20 minutes left’ desperation from Kelly. How much more blood could they squeeze out this stone?
Drury’s voice was initially thankfully low (though not low enough) in the mix so I avoided his clumsy Partridge-isms for a bit, though he was back to shouting the full names again like they’re the Second Coming. Over the top. Unbearable. I jumped ship to 5 Live in search of something less block capitals. Hugo Ekitike’s hair looks like an avant garde swimming hat.
Despicable racist abuse was reported, throwing a light on where we are. There was some VAR rubbish as usual to whine about. Why don’t they campaign to abolish it? Because it makes pundits’ jobs easier.
A good game proved what was thought beforehand; Liverpool are defensively all over the place but will score goals. Bournemouth deserved at least a draw. Ibrahima Konate was running around like a loose horse. It was an inconsistent performance by Liverpool. The side looks unbalanced and defensively flaky, if good in attack.
The way Sky Sports went on, you’d think no one had ever won 4-2 in any league across Europe.
“That’s the Premier League!”
No it’s not, it’s football and it’s in no way unique or special except economically. Stop overrating it. It doesn’t need it…but 35 years of shameless knee-jerk propaganda won’t stop now. Not even when Villa v Newcastle isn’t spectacular.
Wolves v Manchester City at 5.30pm was as tedious as you’d imagine. A return to the predictable exhibition football that the league loves so much and likes to pretend is competition. Given Sky obviously thinks getting rid of the 3pm blackout would make them look bad or they’d have already done it, they simply play fewer and fewer games at that time and get around it that way. Just three games on Saturday at 3pm. In this way, they shape our reality to fit their economic desires.
A far more entertaining game was Stuttgart v Bayern in the DFL Super Cup in front of 60,000 fans, which was properly competitive with a cheerful Patrick Owomoyela alongside the long-serving Derek Rae on Sky Sports. Manuel Neuer was incredible, Luis Diaz scored, Bayern won 2-0.
Then it was onto EFL highlights (sponsored by Sky Bet) on ITV, with the increasingly ubiquitous Aaron Paul who has a nice voice, which is an excellent way to catch up with the EFL with magazine elements too, which bring home the proud community aspect of the lower leagues which seems more healthy than the PL hypnotism.
MOTD with Mark Chapman on BBC went off without any anti-Israeli protests or supposed left-wingery to wet the collective BBC pants. It felt unchanged except for the graphics. Wayne Rooney was a pundit. A lot of fuss about nothing. Same old same old really.
On Sunday I listened to Manchester United v Arsenal on 5 Live as any sentient adult would because I can’t stand the sight of despicable Mikel scamming a living with his financially grotesque wages of failure, along with Peter Drury’s shouted hyperbole.
A brief look at Sky Sports after the game revealed a fiercely orange Roy, who I think despised another apologetic, sorrowful, simpering Bruno interview. I’m not surprised.
Enjoyable game between Leeds v Everton on Monday. The latter rather typically played with David Moyes’ traditional grindcore lack of flair. Leeds were good but they needed to score when dominating. Gary Neville was caught saying “Leeds are one set of fans I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near” when they came back from the break unexpectedly. He won’t have been the first to say that, usually while wearing a crash helmet.
The penalty was disputed by everyone. Moyes saying he didn’t know what to say about it then going on to say a lot about a decision he’d have thought fair if it had given him a penalty. Everyone sees through this dishonesty but they continue to blart it out. Remember when they said VAR would clear these things up? Yeah, how’s that going? Another lie, now just ignored, like it was never said.
On Tuesday, Rangers were on Amazon Prime in the Champions League qualifier. They’ve got 17 games on Tuesdays, perhaps they can only get people to work on a Tuesday. Thankfully their waning interest meant it didn’t start until 7.30 for an 8pm kick off. I like Neil McCann on co-commentary and Jon Champion on comms. Neil is a relaxed performer without any waffle in his locker. He seems quite serious. When Scott Arfield and Allan McGregor are pundits, it makes you feel old. Both are voluble, articulate types.
Alex Aljoe has joined, last seen at the CWC. She’s enthusiastic if a bit wary of the mass of seething Rangers fans behind her. Rio Ferdinand isn’t in the Qatar Airways ads anymore. Have sales dropped as a result? What do you mean, no. So it was a pathetic waste of money? Getaway.
Watching Russell Martin, he’s lucky to be at a big club in the CL albeit the qualifiers, considering his previous achievements, though this was so poor that he won’t be much longer. Suspicion is that he talks a good game and interviews well to old men who think he’s ‘modern’ but this hides basic inflexible misunderstanding.. Rangers are not what they once were, making an embarrassing total cock-up for the first Brugge goal and being defensively poor for the second.
Jack Butland looks like Paddy McGuiness and it was all a bit of a joke. Boos rang out after seven minutes and they were already two down. Rangers’ marking was lax and it was no surprise when Brugge scored a third after 20 minutes. People were already leaving. Rangers were defensively no good and just seemed unable to close anyone down. The first 20 minutes were a disaster and Martin must take part of the blame for their collapse.
At half-time Gabby Logan called him Russell Watson, who couldn’t be much worse. Allan McGregor looked really annoyed at Rangers’ poor defending, calling it poor and weak. The second half was better, they scored a stupidly disallowed goal and an allowed one, but were still quite rubbish. Afterwards Martin said: “We have the privilege and the beauty of being in that position of hunting and chasing.” Trouble is, it’s him being hunted and chased out of Glasgow and it’s far from beautiful.
Emma Dodds was being towered over by a sculptured Johan Mjällby on Wednesday for Prime’s coverage of Celtic’s CL qualifier. It must be odd for teams visiting Celtic Park because it’s huge and noisy but Celtic are playing qualifying games because Scottish teams are relatively lowly in the food chain. It’s an odd situation to have this one humongous team in a relatively modest league and they still couldn’t beat the best team in Kazakhstan with 74.5% possession, which rather embarrasses Scottish football, as Celtic are the best team by far. Where has all last season’s CL money gone?
Thursday brought Aberdeen v FCSB (formerly Steaua Bucharest) in the UEFA Europa League play-off first which the BBC showed and Crystal Palace v Fredrikstad in a UEFA Conference League play-off first leg. I was interested in both so I double screened it. Given the disparity in wealth, Palace should’ve walked the tie, Aberdeen not so much.
5 had Palace, unusually. Did they take this opportunity to do something less ordinary and distinctive? Of course not, but the increasingly visible Alex Aljoe hosted the usual on-pitch pundit and manager chats, unlike BBC Scotland who used commentator Liam McLeod to do a piece to camera for Jonny Sutherland. Perhaps no one wanted to go to the granite city.
As usual the Premier League side, for all their pointless riches and big names, struggled embarrassingly (though were excused – don’t ruin the product) to just about overcome a foreign side with a fraction of the resources by a single goal. Aberdeen drew after being two down and will, if the past is any guide, lose and get knocked out in the second leg. Hibs lost of course.
Domestically, the games are superb fun, but in Europe, the Scottish sides are invariably considerably out of their depth. There’s a good chance no Scottish side will qualify for the league stage of any tournament. Both games were quite dull. Glad All Over we were not.