Man United and Tottenham now set to complete 15 transfers this week, it says here
We are firmly now in the midst of the very silliest of transfer silly seasons.
If you believe reports knocking about today, Man United are about to complete seven transfers this week while Spurs go one better and get eight deals down, including five incomings that would set them back close to £400m.
It’s been a strange window all right, but we don’t think either of those targets are about to be hit.
The Sun, meanwhile, hit upon the really exciting part of Arsenal’s potential signing of Vini Jr.
United punt
Mediawatch always gets a tingle of excitement when we see a headline like this one from the Mirror.
Man Utd handed £42m transfer blow after Michael Carrick made feelings clear
Not because we’re interested in Man United suffering a £42m transfer blow or Michael Carrick making his feelings clear, but precisely because we know neither of those things will actually have happened and we’re excited to find out precisely how they haven’t happened in ways that allow that clunky headline to be artlessly bolted together.
The specifics are that the £42m transfer blow is Juventus signing Randal Kolo Muani from PSG. Now the cleverest sausages among you will already have noticed that neither Juventus nor PSG are Man United, and that Kolo Muani is not a player United have shown any particular interest in signing.
So how, then, does that become a Man United transfer blow? Because it means Juventus are now slightly less likely to take Joshua Zirkzee off their hands. And Juventus are, famously, the only club in the world who might sign a Man United flop. So that really is a blow.
Then, of course, we’ve got Michael Carrick and his clear feelings. You already know, of course, precisely how many words of actual Carrick quotes the story contains. That’s right, he obviously hasn’t made his feelings clear by any means so basic as saying them out loud in an interview or press conference.
No, he’s done it like this:
It could leave Zirkzee in a very tricky spot, with Carrick appearing to signal that the forward has little future at Old Trafford, having only given him a brief cameo in the pre-season win against Atletico Madrid.
Can you make feelings clear by ‘appearing’ to do something? A philosophical question for another day. And we’re not even going to get started on the idea that any manager of any club giving any player 17 minutes of any pre-season friendly means anything about anything. Especially when said manager gave said player an hour in which he produced a goal and an assist in their previous pre-season friendly.
Magnificent Seven
Meanwhile, Man United are set to complete seven transfers this very week, according to breathless reports in the small amount of space the Daily Express has left that isn’t devoted to pretending Rupert Lowe and Nigel Farage are going to kiss and make up to end the Burnham Dictatorship that has so vexingly seized this once proud nation.
The headline transfer of those seven is a move for Arsenal’s Myles Lewis-Skelly. There’s also some talk of a Manu Kone-Marcus Rashford swap deal that, while probably tish or possibly fipsy, does definitely qualify as interesting transfer news relevant to the United first-team squad.
Fair to say it’s fairly swiftly downhill for the remainder of these seven deals, alas, with departures for Radek Vitek, Harry Amass, Dan Gore and Toby Collyer rounding out the magnificent seven transfers United could get done this week.
The worst thing is that they didn’t even remember Joshua Zirkzee. Do they not realise Michael Carrick has made his feelings clear?
Famous Five
The Express have hit upon a new theme, it seems, as this morning from them we also get this…
Liverpool can now complete five transfer deals after Bradley Barcola approval
And this…
Tottenham can seal eight transfers this week including £100m Adam Wharton
And this…
Arsenal now ready to complete five transfers as Man Utd ‘investigate’
Mediawatch very much enjoys the way United have been cast in the Gareth Keenan role for the Arsenal story. Alas, the ‘INVESTIGATION IN PROCESS’ turns out to be whether or not to sign Lewis-Skelly rather than anything more entertainingly scurrilous like whose PC was used to make a mucky picture.
All these stories come with a bizarre insistence that everything inside might be wrapped up within this very week.
We don’t think any of these clubs are particularly likely to hit these hefty and entirely arbitrary targets almost three weeks before the season actually starts, but Mediawatch is specifically ready to consume its own hat without condiments if Spurs – even in this maddest of summers – really do sign all five of Savinho, Adam Wharton, Omar Marmoush, Marcus Rashford and Cody Gakpo this week or indeed ever.
We’re not even particularly convinced they’ll sell Cristian Romero, Richarlison and Lucas Bergvall before Friday is out.
Cat call
Arsenal’s ongoing pursuit of Vinicius Jr continues to make understandable headlines. It would be an extraordinary coup – one Mediawatch itself was chuckling at the very idea of just a couple of weeks ago – and instantly jump somewhere very near the top of the list of most spectacular stop-you-in-your-tracks signings in Premier League history.
Suffice to say The Sun aren’t interested in any of that, though. They’ve identified the real reason it would be so monumental.
WHAT A CAT-CH: Vinicius Jr could bring stunning Wag with him to Arsenal who dresses as sexy cat and wears collar with his name on
Love that ‘could’ as if he just might not bother.
And consider also this intro, which couldn’t sound more like it was written by a horny teenager if it tried.
IF ARSENAL buy Vinicius Jr, they will bring his stunning Wag Virginia Fonseca to England as well – and she has dressed up as a sexy cat before.
Please, we’re begging you, stop saying ‘sexy cat’.